Flux

At a time when my life seems fairly settled, static, predictable, and still, it's interesting to secondarily witness the states of flux and transition that many of my friends and people I'm somehow connected to are experiencing.

First, let it be noted that I use the terms "settled, static, predictable, and still," in a positive and not all-encompassing way.  I don't view all aspects of my life that way, but most are, for right now at least, pretty consistent.

Everyone has heard the familiar saying from Greek philosopher Heraclitus "The only thing constant is change."  (Other sources attribute this quotation to French author Francois de la Rochefoucauld).  Lately this thought seems to be gaining more and more verity.  Nearly everyone in my life or network is going through some sort of life change, and it feels like I'm watching the world spin while I'm standing still.  It makes me wonder if there's some sort of cosmic event that I've been excluded from.  It's a strange feeling for me, because I'm so used to my life always being in a state of change, and I'm wondering if I've lost momentum somehow. 

One of my close friends got on a plane to Nebraska today (well first Chicago, then Nebraska) to visit her boyfriend whom she hasn't seen in months.  She'll be there for a week - away from her job and her own network of people and contacts, in a completely different environment.  Nebraska isn't a place we're all familiar with as a common destination, so I'm imagining peaceful, tranquil, and rustic surroundings with the occasional mountain, bear, and lots of corn.  Nice getaway, I'd think.  Seems like a place where you can hear yourself think.  I forgot to mention: he's a Nebraskan who moved to Philly for a while (how they met) and then moved back to Nebraska. 

In a week (I think) one of her close friends in Philly is moving back to the west coast.  That's a huge move.  There's a man out there waiting for her too, but she's also changing her employment status, her geography, her climate...and oh yea, she's a Californian who moved to Philly for a while (how they met) and is moving back to California. 

In this way I am fascinated by the seeming ebb and flow of people and relationships into and out of lives and cities, like hubs and spokes or tides. I have several other friends who are making moves that might seem to be smaller on the surface (not thousands of miles), but are actually significant and maybe even milestones in their lives.  I have friends who are expecting, engaged, leaving or finding jobs, or switching gears completely.  It's so neat to watch relationships form and see paths be traced that you never would've expected.  It's also so strange to see how people and lives grow apart and how time and journeys change the things you used to expect and accept as the norm. 

At a time when everyone around me seems to be taking such giant strides and making such drastic changes to their lives, why do I feel like I'm standing still? I'm not really standing still - I might be taking baby steps towards my goals - but there are ideas and goals that seem so far off in the distance that every time I try to focus on them I lose my train of thought, go in circles, or just can't hear myself think.  I'm an obsessive list-maker and goal-visualizer, I'm notorious for taking first and even second steps, but my closing ratio these days (the rate at which I cross things off my list and actually follow something through to completion) seems like it's dipping. 

It's so easy to get sidetracked in every compartment of life: on the job, at home, and any other area in which you are due to put plans into motion or make changes.  Do I just have too much going on?  Why does it feel like I'm so due for transition when most things in my life are in their place, as I mentioned earlier?  In the cases of the lives I'm witnessing, it doesn't seem as though the changes taking place are simplifying anything, which of course I don't know for sure, and when I think of making major changes myself I think of complication.  But would things be less complex and would progress be easier to come by if I first complicated my life to make a greater, overarching and simplifying change? And if so, where would I begin? Or is this the way it's supposed to be, and should I be glad that things seem slower right now when all I'm used to is crazy? I mean, my day-to-day life is jam-packed which is why it feels like I should be making more progress than I am.  So it's a bit ironic that even with all the clutter and hustle I feel like I'm running in place.

 

 

We Really Do Have It All

The other day as I was driving I was daydreaming, as usual, about all kinds of fancy things I want (but will probably never actually buy).  I daydream just for the sake of it - it's like window shopping for the soul.  I love my car and it's never had a major problem, but that doesn't mean I don't fantasize about a fancy car I can't afford.  I don't have a few thousand dollars to blow at Sephora, but that doesn't mean I don't make wish lists on the website.  Catch my drift?

Then I got to wondering about how people mentally window-shop about multitudes of other things, as if a variety of choices were laid out in front of them for their choosing, like in a department store.  People fantasize about different jobs, different significant others, different homes, different lives altogether.  Sometimes the new options they're imagining in their lives are so far from their current reality that it's unlikely they'll ever really experience those things.  But what if they do?

Everyone knows that novelty wears off.  Most of us have experienced the thrill of making a big purchase and splurging on something to reward ourselves.  Part of the reason it feels so good is because it's a rarity, something we can't afford to do all the time, and so we treasure it.  But then there are those people who become so addicted to this feeling of novelty and variety and specialness that they start chasing it, endlessly searching for a sense of fulfillment that comes not from within, but usually from material items or stretching oneself beyond their means. 

In today's society I believe that we're victimized by the media and by standards imposed upon us by the rich and famous.  There also seems to be this whole new breed of people who think they deserve everything life has to offer and that it's theirs for the taking without having to work hard like anyone else.  In a culture where people get famous for no reason and where there are reality shows about hicks in swamps and teenagers having babies, it's not hard to understand the effect that excess and glamorizing the asinine have on our collective culture. 

Women, especially, are taught never to settle, to always want more, and essentially to never be content.  We've become so brainwashed by the pursuit of "having it all" that we can't even see when we already do have it all.  What does this "all" consist of? And who is quantifying it? And how are we to define "having" it? Does it mean leasing something extravagant with payments more than we can afford, rendering our bottom line inflexible? Does it mean plastic surgery and the constant struggle with body image issues to always compete with the next superstars that females are taught to compare themselves to? Or does it mean never "settling" for someone who treats you like gold but for some reason doesn't make you as happy as you think you could be because he's not what society tells you is good enough for you?

What ever happened to the powerful, independent, self-sufficient women who inspired young ladies to work, go to school, save, and better themselves?  Women who had families and made sacrifices and still found time to get a degree or work two jobs and exercise...those strong women of yore, like many of our mothers, used to be role models for our society (maybe in the bygone feminist era) - now it's Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and the like - who teach our young sisters and nieces that beauty without brains pays off as long as you can publicize your sexuality or inherit a fortune with which to exploit yourself in any way possible.  They've taught us that money can buy - or trump - talent and hard work, and that all that matters is your looks, your clothes, your house, your car, who you're dating, and how much cash you can rake in from endorsement deals on products made in sweatshops overseas.  This sends the message to our youth that wealth and excess are equivalent to long-term happiness.  Our jobs as human beings contributing to society are growing more and more difficult because we have to constantly remind the generations after us that these pursuits are ephemeral, fleeting, irrelevant.  We have to constantly conjure up ways to think outside the box and teach the youth what it means to be a good person, how to define and measure success, and how to appreciate life and cultivate it with love, passion and kindness. 

When we're all so inundated by the messages that we're worthless without x or inferior without y, or better if we have z, or that we need 3 cars when we only drive one and that we need a 10,000 square foot home when we only have 2 people living there, or that we should be shopping at fancy department stores because we're not cool if we don't, or that our hair must be perfectly coiffed, our teeth overly whitened, and our makeup perfect at all times, or that if our measurements aren't within a certain range of proportions we're not beautiful, or that if we don't send our children to the most expensive schools (not because we truly believe it's best for them and we're blessed to be able to afford it but because we care where our friends' kids and our neighbors' kids go and how we look if we send our kids elsewhere), it becomes a daily exercise in discipline and faith to remind ourselves to be contented and delighted by the smaller things in life and to take pride and joy in what we do have and what we can achieve if only we could stop worrying about how to get to a point we're never meant to reach. 

I'm not saying men are immune to this sort of social structuring; we see the inflated egos driving around all the time, with their muscles hanging out the windows of their expensive sports cars (that they're probably financing at a high interest rate because they don't work hard enough to be able to actually afford a reasonable payment).  We see the overcompensation every day - nice to look at, appear to be successful on the surface, but are really just adult babies who can't take care of themselves or hold an intelligent conversation. These men also chase the next best thing in the dating pool - the girl with the biggest boobs or the most designer clothes.  What ever happened to men who want a real woman? One who actually cares about them and not their wallet or the amount of fun and entertainment they can bring to her life, one who has her own plans and makes her own money, one who maybe still knows how to cook and/or clean (for an added bonus)?

What happened to counting your blessings and being thankful for what (and who) you've got? What happened to the days where people weren't keeping up with the Joneses, but with their own standards and goals? So many of us forget and take for granted each and every day that we're blessed to live in America, we're blessed to have a roof over our heads, we're blessed to have food to eat, jobs to go to, family and friends to love.  If you've got $100 in the bank and an iPhone in your hand, you're richer than a heck of a lot of people.  So what if there's no room in your budget to go shop at Michael Kors on a regular basis?  Maybe one day there will be, and maybe that will feel good.  But is that what defines your happiness and satisfaction with life?

You can't pick and choose every single aspect of life as if you were designing a home from the ground up, starting with a blueprint.  This especially applies to the people we choose to keep in our company.  We're so trained to always fight and defend ourselves against not being given enough, being taken for granted, being unappreciated, that we lose sight of the fact that maybe we're the ones not seeing what's in front of us.  Life isn't one giant Sims game.  I have a few friends who are in relationships that their other friends are always criticizing, saying "leave him, you're too good for him," or "you deserve so much better," or "don't you want a girl who does XYZ?"

I don't feel that it's anyone's place to criticize another person's relationship unless the advice was solicited, for one.  But here's another thing: maybe your girlfriend doesn't do XYZ but maybe she's the nicest, sweetest, most kind-hearted person you've ever been with and you honestly feel loved when you're with her.  Sure, you could dump her and go try to find another person who makes you feel as good but also does XYZ, but then you're running a rat race.  Is anything priceless or sacred anymore?  Sure, your boyfriend might be too busy to share in every solitary interest or activity you have, but have you stopped to be thankful for the fact that he works his butt off and you're not dating a lazy slob?  Everything is a toss-up, give-or-take.  Once you start realizing that maybe you do have all you ever wanted, or almost - (if you look back to when you were a kid and think about what you thought your life would be like, maybe you've actually surpassed your own expectations) - then maybe you won't feel the need to keep running like a hamster on a wheel in pursuit of all things that can fill imaginary voids. 

In this culture of excess, where everything is paid on credit because we buy things we don't have the cash for, where fakeness is rewarded and skating by on the minimum amount of work or talent is acceptable, where you can't trust most people you encounter and where beauty and money are prized above integrity, honesty, and kindness, it's no wonder people don't know they already have it all.  But in trying to remember and hold onto the values that are truly important, be thankful for the people in your lives who do exemplify something better.  I have several friends that I consider myself lucky to know, who are always just a phone call away if I need some perspective or insight.  I have family that retains good, old-fashioned values and still reminds me of the importance of being polite in public and of teaching children to be well-mannered and respectful.  I have mentors who value intelligence and innovation more than their bottom line.  And in addition to all this, I live in a beautiful house, with an amazing man, a reliable car, two flexible jobs, an entrepreneurial and adventurous spirit, and my youth and health. 

I already have it all.  Anything that comes to me now is a bonus and a blessing. 

When I Grow Up...

Monday night I was singing at the restaurant (Fellini Café) and I was waiting on a British family who used to be regulars but now they only come in every few months or so.  It had been a while since I'd last waited on them, so they were happy to see me and catch up.  At the end of the night, after telling me how much they'd enjoyed the evening and my singing, the dad asked me to remind him what I do for a living outside of the restaurant.  When I told him I work for a bank and described my role as Relationship Manager for the Investment Subsidiary, he gave me a puzzled look and asked, "So is that your hobby, or is this your hobby?" To which I replied, "This is."  To me, hobbies are something you enjoy and practice leisurely, which is how I think of my singing.  My bank job is, well, my job, career, whatever you want to call it. 

Then he asked me if I have a banking/financial background (i.e. is that what I went to school for?), and of course I told him no, and explained how the job sort of fell into my lap back in November of '08 when I was looking for something a little more substantial and regular than waitressing.  He asked me what I'd really like to do, and I told him I want to start my own writing & editing business; not just a proofreading service, but a boutique where I also coach people on how to effectively deliver their message and set themselves apart.  I started telling him that I was already in the (very early) planning stages of this idea, and he said something like, "That's all fine and good for now, I guess, until you grow up and decide what you really want to do." 

Normally I'd be offended or at least a little put off by a comment like that, but he said it in such a polite (and British) way, with a big smile, while his wife and kids were beaming at me too, and so I just nodded in agreement and said goodbye.  But I've been thinking about it all week, and I think he's got it wrong (and so do a lot of people).  Why do so many people define "growing up" as settling into one career or trade for the rest of their lives?  I know the traditional train of thought is go to college, get an entry-level position in your field of study, work your way up, go back to school and get your masters', and then keep climbing the ladder until you're at the top of your respective game and successful by anyone's standards.  That's the plan; that's how most people define progress. 

But what if you have more than one talent, gift, or interest?  Read back to my other blog post on Focus and you'll see that I find myself to be one of those people.  And I'll say now as I said then, no, not all your hobbies or interests can be a career.  But some people just change more than others, and some people like routine.  Some people want variety, adventure, and stimuli and some people want security, safety, and consistency.  I felt like telling my customer, "I am grown up, and that is what I want to do, and I'm going to spend the rest of my time finding creative ways to make that happen, even if I have to start small and do projects on the side while I keep my day job to pay my bills, which is, by the way, responsible and grown-up of me, rather than quitting my job because there's no passion in it and going broke and defaulting on my bills.  So there."

Maybe I won't be like Jennifer Aniston in Wanderlust who makes documentaries about penguins and starts her own baking business and then finds a hippie commune and "drinks the Kool-Aid" (and then also ends up publishing books for her writer friends at the commune and becomes rich and happy because she found something she loved and believed in - it's a good movie, watch it) - but I'm perfectly happy with embracing the possibility of finding ways to be successful in whatever interests me and whatever I can do well.  Whether that's in my field of study (music/French/Italian) or my current career path (finance), why is that anyone's concern but mine?

We have a responsibility to ourselves to be happy.  Why does "growing up" have to mean that we're not happy or don't pursue ways to make a living doing things that we love? Why do people frown upon changing directions or bouncing around as if it makes you some kind of wayward wandering lost soul? As long as you're doing it consciously and keeping your bills paid and not shirking your responsibilities, then I think it's great!

Again, maybe being a Jill-of-all-trades is not the most focused way to be, but it's not a problem as long as you can hone one or two interests and keep the rest as hobbies.  If I'm not distracted and irresponsible, if I'm doing what I need to do as a human being, then who gets to say I'm not grown up just because I'm dabbling in different areas?  Maybe I'm more grown up than he is, because I have more areas of interest and potential, maybe I've learned and committed myself to more and like to nourish my active mind. 

When I "grow up," I don't want to be one of those people who just falls into complacency in one routine and one area, thinking that's the way it ought to be, without any hobbies or interests or alternate possibilities.  I always want to have a few cards up my sleeve, something to fall back on, and strive to learn more and be able to make changes if that's what I dream of.  And right now, it is.  When I grow up, I still want to be me. 

Adding In a Little "Sometimes"

It's the strangest feeling to notice yourself changing as you get older.  Everything seems changeable - from my tastes in food and fashion to my dreams and beliefs.  Then there are certain things that don't necessarily change completely, but evolve, deepen, or mature. 

For those of you who know me well, you know that I have a tattoo on my shoulder that's an old Italian proverb advising us not to be too trusting: "Fidarsi e bene, ma non fidarsi e meglio."  Literally translated, it means "It's good to trust, but it's better not to." 

Everyone knows that the experiences you go through shape your opinions, values, and beliefs, but people don't necessarily realize that their convictions are being formed while it's actually happening. I was several years younger when I got this tattoo, and I was at a time in my life when finding this proverb in a textbook seemed like a message meant for me.  I was going through a painful time and I honestly believed that it's better not to trust anyone than to ever let anyone in.  It felt like the right thing to do and it felt therapeutic. It was like I was proclaiming to the world that I'd been hurt and I was tough behind my wall, so better not to mess with me. 

Someone asked me recently "What does your tattoo mean?" and as the words were leaving my lips, it felt strange to hear my voice saying them.  Because now, although I still believe the saying is wise and applicable to much of life, I might just change it to "sometimes it's better not to."  But that's not how the proverb goes, and my inscription still reminds me of a time in my life when I learned some hard lessons and felt strongly that I could only depend on myself. 

There's much to be said for being self-sufficient and for trusting in yourself (which is different from believing in yourself or having faith in yourself, by the way), but there's also something to be said for the type of progress, growth and healing that come with age and time and that allow you to learn to trust again even after having made such mistakes in the past. 

I'm so grateful I didn't let my scars get so thick and dense that I refused to let my walls down again.  I still use good judgment and discretion in most cases, and I have strong intuition and inclinations against being overly trusting or straying from the path that I believe is right.  But it's such a priceless feeling to have someone in your life that you really do trust implicitly, who knows you better than you know yourself, someone that you can just sink into and that you look forward to being your honest self around.  It feels more than comfortable, it feels safe, it feels right, and it feels beautiful.  Yes, it comes with a degree of vulnerability, so it's especially important for me to continue practicing gratitude and openness - gratitude for the changes that have occurred in me when I could've gone so far in the other direction, down a path of self-destructive behavior and not letting anyone too far into my life, and open-mindedness, with an open heart and open eyes. 

This change and growth doesn't just apply to being trusting; there are other scenarios where I've seen myself change almost as if I was seeing me through someone else's eyes.  But today, as I translated the words scrawled across my back in a different language (which is ironic in itself), I realized how much I've grown as a person and how my beliefs, opinions, and convictions aren't all in such stark contrast anymore.  Now, I'm starting to see a little bit of gray. 

Now, I'm adding in a little "sometimes."

Recognition

Recognition is underrated.  Much of my life I've struggled to come to terms with the fact that no one will ever be recognized for all of the (good) things they do.  Everyone is different: some people don't verbally recognize or acknowledge the deeds of others, some do it infrequently, some do it all the time because they believe in the power of positive reinforcement (or they're just really nice or thankful), and others don't simply because they're oblivious to the efforts of others. 

There are varying opinions on this topic based on the deeds being recognized, the reason one does them, the reason one would offer recognition in the first place, why the deed-doer wants recognition, and the effect of the deed and its subsequent acknowledgement on both the recipient and the giver. 

First things first.  Why do some people need recognition more than others and what makes them want it in the first place?  I'm not sure I have all the answers to this, and I'm not about to go conduct a psychological study or survey anybody.  All I know is that I'm one of those people who needs to be recognized or acknowledged for things that I do, whether I'm doing a good job on something or going out of my way to do someone a favor.  It's kind of like when you hold the door for someone and they appreciate it and acknowledge you by saying "thank you." You get a small sense of gratification and fulfillment that you did something nice for someone (on a very small scale).  It makes you feel good and inspires you to keep doing nice things. 

There are those of you who argue that things like this should be thankless; that one should not expect, want or need to be recognized for anything they do and that good deeds are almost voided in the expectation of their recognition.  People of that mindset also tend to feel that people who need to be recognized or acknowledged for who they are (concerned with their reputation, care about what people think, etc.) are not only insecure, but do not truly and genuinely possess any of the qualities for which they seek recognition.

I disagree with those people and I feel that recognition and acknowledgement (accompanied by the occasional "thanks") are necessary, deserved, and should be expected (to an extent).  I'm not concerned with where this trait or desire comes from (need for control? insecurity/need for approval? the way we were raised? the need to rank oneself by other metrics than one's own?) but I know I possess it, and if that means I'm admitting to any of the psychological factors between the parentheses, then so be it. 

Someone recently told me about an exercise that an elementary school teacher came up with for her class one day.  She would pick one student each week and ask the rest of the kids in the class to anonymously write down something that they liked about their classmate.  All the students turned in their papers and the teacher typed all the thoughts onto one piece of paper and gave it to each student at the end of the school year.  The person who told me the story knew one of the students who had participated in this exercise and said that even after he was a grown man, he cherished that piece of paper.  One day he died, and the paper was found folded up in his wallet.  He had carried it with him everywhere because it meant so much to him.  He didn't know most of those kids anymore, and he didn't know which ones had written certain opinions, but those innocent, untainted childhood accounts of his positive qualities obviously reminded him of traits that were hard for him to recognize in himself.  Or maybe they were things he wanted to remember during hard times, when it was more difficult to feel good about himself.  Whatever the reasons, the recognition was valuable to him. 

Many corporations implement recognition programs and reward performance in various ways.  Smart companies know that success begins with their people and that employees must feel valued in order to meet expectations and remain happy in their jobs.  It's not just in the form of monetary rewards either; simple accolades mean more to most people than incentive dollars.  I think it applies to any person in any job - whether it's your boss that says you're doing a good job, or a co-worker who gives you credit for an idea in a meeting in front of the rest of your team, or you receive a raise or promotion.  Recognition feels good and motivates people to continue doing good work.  But why should accolades be reserved for corporate structure?  How many times in our daily lives and inside our relationships would a little recognition go a long way?

Whether you're a mother, a father, a significant other, a husband, a wife, a child, a student, a teacher, a doctor, a coach, an athlete, an artist, a performer, a customer service rep, a sister, a brother, a friend, etc., it feels good and it is meaningful to have someone in your life - whatever the capacity - tell you that you're doing a good job, that they appreciate what you've done, that you mean something to them, or just simply thank you for something.  Recognition reinforces and strengthens relationships.  It's not about coddling or babying anybody, and it's not about the people who are being recognized being too weak to stand on their own or having an inadequacy complex.  It's about a positive exchange and encouragement of continuation of positive cycles of behavior. There's nothing worse than bending over backwards for someone and they have nothing positive to say; in fact, they have no problem critiquing, complaining or criticizing, which tears you down and makes you feel unvalued. 

Now why are some people so stingy with their words?  Why do some people find it so difficult to recognize others, and why are they so seemingly unwilling to offer words of thanks and praise?  Is it an ego thing?  Is it stubbornness?  Is it because they are overly hard on themselves and they themselves feel underappreciated so it's hard for them to give more than they've gotten?  Is it because they really don't feel positively towards other people and their actions? Is it because they're never satisfied with anything?  Who knows.  But those people are missing out.  Positivity breeds positivity.  And to that effect, I believe recognition breeds recognition.  Praise fosters praise.

There are differing dynamics between all of the relationships where praise for another may be deserved (see above).  But when there's an absence of appreciation, gratitude, praise, satisfaction, etc. it's hard to begin.  It's just not a behavior that everyone possesses.  I feel like it could almost be therapeutic - if you're not a praiser or recognizer, start offering one compliment or gratuitous "thank you for..." each day and see how good it feels when someone responds positively.  I firmly believe that this can change so much of a person's attitude towards another person (or department or family member).  In relationships, it's easy to fall into competition over who praises more or who recognizes less, and if one person rarely makes the other feel appreciated, the other may get resentful and fail to recognize him or her either. 

Like I said, without delving into the human psyche and conducting behavioral research, all I have are my feelings and experiences and I can't understand the people who think everything should be thankless and that wanting recognition takes away from what you're doing.  If you save someone's life on the street and they thank you for it, you feel great.  If they don't thank you for it, you still feel great, and you'd still do it again, but you'll never know what a difference you made in their life or whether they even wanted to be saved.  Maybe that's an extreme example, no one saves someone's life just for recognition (at least I hope not!).  But my point is, I'm not holding the door for an elderly woman to hear her say thank you.  Sometimes they're grumpy and they don't say anything or they tell you they don't need your help.  It doesn't mean I won't hold the door anymore.  But when they do recognize your effort and show appreciation for taking a moment of your time to do something selfless, it almost reaffirms your faith in the world because to recognize good in someone is to be good yourself. 

Almost no one can continue on a path of constantly doing good for others or doing people favors or working their butts off or going out of their way to exceed expectations or helping people or putting others before themselves - without getting any thanks, recognition, or praise.  People get resentful, they feel unappreciated, taken for granted, and saddened.  When people aren't told by the important people in their lives that they're appreciated and that they bring feelings of gratitude and satisfaction, or when no one recognizes their efforts and they're sincerely trying to help or make someone happy or be the best they can be, they lose something.  They lose motivation and self-respect and they start wondering why they try so hard in the first place and whether or not they even matter. 

Seriously, how hard is it to say to someone who's important in your life, "thanks for doing that," or "I appreciate you," or "you look nice today," or "it means so much to me how hard you've been trying to do xyz..." or "great job on that project last week, you nailed it!" What have you got to lose by praising someone? What harm can it do? I think good can only give way to good in this case.  Try it. 

Dinner Tonight

I started writing another post about actual stuff but I saved the draft so I can finish it when I'm more focused.  Nothing deep tonight, I'll just tell you about my culinary adventures:

Just ran around to a few stores to pick up all the ingredients for a delicious and somewhat healthy southwestern themed meal. 

I'm using the crockpot for a chuck roast with some crumbled chorizo.  I put a jar of salsa verde, some beef broth, adobo, and some taco seasoning in the crockpot on top of the meat.  That's going to cook for a few hours and it's already starting to smell delicious!

In the meantime, I'll be prepping my southwestern quinoa.  First you sautee onions and garlic in a little bit of olive oil.  Then you add the quinoa, some vegetable broth, cumin, cayenne pepper, and salt & pepper.  Bring that to a boil, reduce heat and simmer about 20 minutes.

While the quinoa is cooking on low, I'll prep my roasted veggies.  I bought carrots, red potatoes, sweet potatoes, zucchini, and onions.  I'm going to cube them into about 1-inch pieces, toss them in olive oil and sprinkle them with taco seasoning (so easy)! They'll roast on a foil-lined baking sheet for about 40 minutes on 425 degrees.  

Back to the quinoa, stir in a can of corn and a can of drained, rinsed black beans, sliced black olives, and continue to simmer.  Chop some fresh cilantro and avocado and sprinkle chia seeds on top to finish it off.  

When the meat is finished you can shred it and add it to taco shells or just eat it mixed into the quinoa.  

And of course, dessert! (Which I can't take credit for...thanks Trader Joe's) happy 5th birthday Cortney!!

And of course, our gin bay breeze cocktails with sparkling pink lemonade and a splash of lime :) night!

Enjoy!

Redemption

Are recognition of a need to change and willingness to change, grow, and improve enough? Is it sufficient to say you want to change, take some steps, and then fall back into whatever type of behavior you're trying to correct because of lack of true effort or care?  Do you think people really can change who they are or just learn to identify their triggers and weaknesses and evolve enough to walk away from situations that might put them in danger of acting in a detrimental way?

Much can be taught.  Much can be remedied, soothed, and counseled. Communication can be improved, baggage and insecurity can be dissolved, stress, anxiety, and depression can be treated, certain things can be managed.  But the actual threads that are woven into the fabric of who we are: can they be yanked out and replaced without unraveling the entire person? Can selfish people become caring and learn empathy for others? Can stubborn people become more easy-going and open-minded? Can egotistical, arrogant people become humble? Can the weak become strong and independent or are they forever doomed to have vices, crutches and issues with dependency?

I'm not asking these questions out of doubt, I'm asking because I want to know what other people think.  Sometimes I feel that anything can be changed when I'm feeling optimistic, and maybe that's partially because I firmly believe that a lot of my own personal issues come down to mind over matter.  A lot of things are mental, and it takes a certain strength and willpower to overcome obstacles that you've identified as opportunities for change. 

But other times I am uncertain.  Sometimes it feels hopeless.  And not just because it's harder for us to objectively see people trying to change or because we're not in a position to judge them since we don't know their thoughts or how hard they're trying, but because it seems there's a lot of helplessness and despair in the world that people don't know how to rise out of.  People just sink into these dark, sad states where everything really does revolve around them because they have come to know nothing different.  Call it a complex, a need for attention or approval, a coping mechanism, a means of self-defense by constructing a wall around one's self, call it what you will; but why does it seem so difficult to empower the powerless these days?  

Even when some folks are hell-bent on being so drained and draining that they suck the life out of everything around them, why do we see people feeding into that and enabling them, instead of empowering, inspiring and encouraging them to change?

For these types of people, I'd say recognition and willingness are two crucial catalysts that are a sufficient first step.  It may take years to break patterns of thought and behavior, to reopen wounds and heal scar tissue, but I think it's all possible.  I don't think anyone is hopeless.  Change is vital to the human condition. Someone has to desire change, but if they proactively seek out resources, tools, education, and support, it can happen. 

What do you think?

All My Different Lifetimes

I'm running a little short on time, energy and thoughts for this post so I thought I'd put on record all the things I think I was or will be in all my different lifetimes, just to inspire you to do the same and to get you thinking about all the possibilities and choices that we each have.  So many of us make the mistake of thinking that what we're doing is our assigned fate and that we're limited to what we see and that we don't have the power to change it.  But life is what you make it so I say pick your passion and do it!

• I think in one of my "past lives" I was probably an obese Italian woman who loved to cook and eat.  I was probably one of those old ladies that just constantly tried to feed people.  I could talk about food for hours without tiring.  How does that translate to this lifetime?  Well, I've thought about starting a separate food blog, or maybe compiling a collection of recipes, maybe writing a food column with reviews and stuff like that, or maybe even creating a YouTube cooking channel.  Of course I'd love to take a culinary class too.
• Then there's singing, all kinds: I currently sing opera/classical, but I've always wanted to be a back-up singer in a band, or a pop singer - and I really just liked the whole spectrum of dramatic arts (acting included).
• Writing (see my post on Focus)
• Translator
• Life Coach/Motivational Speaker
• Event Coordinator
• Communications/Broadcasting/Journalism
• (Next day edit: I forgot to mention teacher, cartographer, international tour guide, photographer, painter)

This list is just my way of putting some of my options in a visual format.  You don't have to have a degree in something for it to be an option.  It's really true that we can all do anything we set our minds to.  Especially when you think about all the people that start over and change careers in the middle of their lives, or the people who are in a field totally different from what their qualifications are on paper. 

What would you do if you were to make a change?

What Would We Learn if We Switched?

Lives with other people, that is.  Do you ever wonder? Do you ever find yourself observing strangers and thinking it's so odd to see all these other humans, so different from each other, going about their lives and knowing nothing about one another?  What if they all had surprising commonalities? How many of them would have deep, dark secrets? Do you ever see someone and just wonder "WHAT are they doing?! Where are they going? What's going on in that head?"


The 2011 movie The Change-Up, for those of you who are Jason Bateman (Arrested Development) and Ryan Reynolds (The Green Lantern) fans, is a cute play on this likely frequently thought-up premise.  And it makes you almost want to experiment (I wonder if people with twin siblings have ever pulled a switcheroo to play a prank on someone or to help one another out).  Just think of all the things you think you know.  Every little detail of your life that is unique to you that a complete stranger would know nothing about.  It's so much more than just your mannerisms and demeanor, but they wouldn't know your routine, they probably wouldn't have the skills to do your job, they wouldn't talk like you or compose emails in your specific syntax.  And if you woke up in someone else's body and had to fake it for a day, do you think you could handle it? Would you freak out or keep your cool? What if you absolutely hated their life and the person they were and you were disgusted by them? What if they were secretly a bad person, maybe even a criminal, and you had the opportunity to tip off the local authorities about them - would you do it? You'd have to come up with a different story, because nobody would believe you were them for a day. 

Of course this is all very far-fetched, but it also calls to mind that show What Would You Do?  There are so many questions that can be raised from imagining things like this and from finding yourself in almost unreal scenarios.  Meeting new people always makes me wonder what we could learn from others if we switched lives for a day.  Other than being incredibly freaked out, I think it would be a humbling experience that would put a lot of things in perspective for many people. 

I enjoy meeting people and learning about them.  I ask lots of questions and really try to visualize their unique experience.  I have a lot of respect for everyone's different backgrounds and talents and it's just so cool to hear about people who are different from you.  I think a lot of times people get so caught up in themselves and their little world with their deadlines and their problems that they forget they're not alone, nor unique.  Yes, we're all different but every life and body comes with a set of stories, issues, tragedies and triumphs.  They might be different, but everyone has experiences.   Don't you ever catch yourself doing something and wondering if you're weird or if other people do it too?  I always wonder if everyone else has so much constant activity in their minds, like rampant thoughts all the time.  I have this ceaseless inner monologue (sometimes it's more like a dialogue - just kidding) and sometimes I feel like I just have a hyperactive mind, or like I'm acutely aware of all these different things and I can juggle all these different trains of thought at once.  I know I'm not alone, but then I see other people who just look so vapid and vacant and I wonder what it must be like to have a quiet mind?  Is anyone ever just thinking about nothing? Not thinking at all while awake? Is that a different state of being? Can you flip it on and off like a switch, and if so, who do I need to talk to about teaching me to master that? 

If you had the ability to switch lives and bodies with someone you barely know, just for one day, would you do it? Or would you be afraid? Would you be able to relinquish control of all the things in your life that are so close to you or would you be afraid they would royally mess it up? Would you be afraid of messing up their situation? Would you try to make it better in some way, if you could?  There's a saying that says "leave everything better than it was when you found it."  Imagine if you could just stumble into someone's life as if time were frozen and tangible and just shift things around and use your resources to help them out. What if you could put money into their bank account or use your connections to get them something they need? On the other hand, what if you found their life so dark and depleted that in one day, it changed you in a haunting way?  What would you learn from that? Would you learn that every little thing you've obsessed over is now pale in contrast and seemingly irrelevant, or would you hold tight to the premise that everyone's unique reality bears the same weight and that no one can be graded for scale and scope of experience?

There's much to be inspired by and to ponder.  The world doesn't revolve around each of us individually.  We all orbit each other.  You can learn beautiful things from people you'd never suspect to have anything to share or contribute on the surface.  But how amazing would it be if, in one instant, you were transformed into a body that was either better than yours or that you hated?  You suddenly had a whole head full of memories that weren't yours, spanning a lifetime you didn't live.  You could suddenly be a lefty instead of right-handed.  What if someone close to the person you switched with was going through a really hard time and you had to be there for them?  You'd have new inside jokes, new connections, new sensations.  What if the new you had post-traumatic stress disorder and you kept getting scary flashbacks and didn't know how to deal with it? What if you had to take necessary medications for a health condition they have just to keep their body alive, but in your reality it was a medication you were allergic to? And how would you balance all the thousands of micro decisions that fill a day if you knew in the back of your mind it was only temporary? Knowing that, would you instead hide out until 24 hours passed, wasting the opportunity to boldly venture out into society, posing as someone else and relearning things native to you? Would you be riveted or cowardly?

You might discover an amazing untapped talent that was never cultivated  in the life you were borrowing.  What if you could help them discover this? Or what if people could steal traits from one another as if we were all machines?  What if you could download and nurture their raw, unused talent or natural athletic ability and in turn leave behind some kind of instinct or strength or intellect to help them get along better? What if you could correct someone's course - and what if someone attempted to correct yours when you didn't want or need to be changed? Could you stop it and redirect or would time have already moved on so quickly that a stranger's edits were already saved and integrated into the fabric of your life?

There are so many moral and ethical questions that arise just from the simple act of pondering the inheritance of a life other than that of our own.  There are billions of people in this world - I'm sure others have thought about this too, in other countries and languages - but as commonplace as it may be I don't think anyone could honestly answer many of these questions unless faced with a similar situation in actuality. 

Technology is growing increasingly unfathomable.  The things we can do these days are astounding.  We're taking trips to the moon now, phones and tablets seem to rule everything, we can track anyone and anything anywhere at any time...it's almost scary.  We've become so reliant on it - kids don't go to libraries anymore to check out encyclopedias for research or use a thesaurus to write - there are websites for that.  Spell Check, AutoCorrect, Wikipedia, and social media are the new reference materials of this generation (and a handicap if you ask me - Spell Check is wrong a lot! It doesn't contextually correct homonyms, for one - i.e. buses/busses).

Anyway, I digress.  I wouldn't be surprised if, one day, almost as if in a science fiction novel, someone comes up with technology to at least simulate the life experience of others.  And if it ever becomes reality, I can only hope that some evil person won't use it as the ultimate act of terror and torture (like turning your life into a movie and removing you from it, putting an incompetent understudy in your place and forcing you to watch helplessly while they stumble through your important presentation, million-dollar deal, interactions with your loved ones, and anything else that would make you cringe).  But instead I'd hope they would use it for good and to teach everyone all the things that they could stand to learn from just being granted the privilege of seeing from behind the eyes of another human being. 

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

And it's not even Christmas! If I just got that song stuck in your head for the next few hours, you're welcome. 

I love late spring, right before summer starts.  It's so vibrant and full of promise.  You're so excited about the fun months that lie ahead, even though you know in the back of your mind it'll be over before you know it.  And as you think of all the things you're going to pack into your extended summer days and nights, you daydream about not being at work and just becoming a drifter, leaving everything behind to start a bar on an island...

Or is that just me?

No but seriously, this morning the weather was perfect.  Warm but with a cool breeze.  Sunny but not sweltering.  Mildly humid but not swampy.  Today was the perfect weather for t-shirts and flip-flops.  And I dig it.  It's only a matter of time though before our perfect, long-awaited early June climate gives way to temperatures in the high 90s with stagnant air and high humidity.  In my office building, that means ice packs and fans because the AC is temperamental and picks its moments when it wants to work. 

Anyway, this is really a post about nothing except for me looking forward to the summer and feeling inspired by the weather.  It's those morning strolls to the office when the breeze is blowing and the sun is shining that make me feel like I can tackle the day and punch my to-do list in the face. 

And PS - my friend Stearns Matthews is recording an album.  We went to Westminster together and he's super talented.  Anyway, as some of you may know, it's expensive to record an album and so he's looking to his friends and his network for support.  I love seeing people make their dreams come true any way they can, so I'm on board.  Here's the link where you can donate as much or as little as you like and if you'd like to learn more about Stearns and his project you can click here: Stearns Matthews Records His Debut Album - Let's Do This! Thanks in advance everyone :) As I said to Stearns this morning via Facebook chat, I hope to record an album sometime in the near future as well, and I would hope people would support me too.  So I'm paying it forward, because I believe in what he's doing and I believe in the power of music in people's lives around the world.  (The website is super cute too - you can change your "perks" for the amount of your donation.  I'm not telling you more than that :)

Goodnight y'all! Hopefully a more substantial post tomorrow (I've had some wine tonight and it's been a long day).  Sweet dreams!

Love is Enough

Sometimes we expect so much out of life that we're easily let down.  Sometimes we lose sight of our blessings and take for granted all we have.  The same holds true of relationships: we tend to expect so much out of our significant others that it's hard for them not to disappoint us, but they're humans too.  When you met your significant other, you were probably captivated and intrigued by the person they were and you didn't expect them to think, feel, or act like you.  You warmed to your similarities and were fascinated by your differences as you got to know them and discover things about their personal story. 

But as time passes and attachment sets in and you become invested in someone, heart and soul, it's easy to project your perspective and sensitivity onto the one who shares your life, almost expecting them to read your thoughts, predict your feelings, moods, and reactions, and share your opinions too.  And when they inevitably don't or can't, it's easy to point the finger at them for falling short. But instead of giving in to our frustration, can't we remember what a blessing it is to simply have someone to love and to be loved in return?

We should all try to love more simply for the sake of loving, and relish being loved for who you are, rather than trying to fine-tune the ways in which someone expresses their love for you.  It doesn't always have to be like it is in the movies (and it's not going to be).  If that's what you have, that's great and I'm happy for you.  But not everyone has a storybook romance that's always picture perfect (or pretty damn close even at its worst).  Not everyone has that Ryan Gosling/Rachel McAdams in the Notebook, awestruck, absolutely sick over each other kind of love.  Not everyone is going to love you for every single thing you think they should love you for; but instead, maybe they'll pick up on some things about you that you didn't even know were loveable.  Better yet, maybe they'll love the parts of you that you don't even like, the parts you wish you could just erase.  And really, who are we to dictate how another should love? It's a personal and vulnerable thing that each heart does differently, it's not just a sentiment or a fleeting emotion.  It's an experience, a part of life that has different intricacies for each person. 

Sometimes we need people that aren't what we think we need or what we expect.  Sometimes there's a higher plan at work that was orchestrated without our knowledge or understanding.  Sometimes people balance each other out, and little disputes, differences, and annoyances come with the territory.  Everybody's different, and you don't get to go plug your specific, desired criteria into a computer and build the person you want (and what fun would that be, unless you're really into science fiction and think it would be cool to just replicate a robot that fits all your qualifications?).  Compatibility and chemistry are funny things, and they don't mean that someone will always have just the right amount of tact or that they'll never let you down.  But if you've got someone who would do anything for you and who places your happiness at a level that rivals that of their own, if you've got someone who has allowed their world to be dramatically changed simply to have you exist within it, then don't let that go. 

If you're truly unhappy with your circumstances, then by all mean, cut your losses and leave.  Change your situation.  Why waste anymore of your time or theirs? But if you know you're with someone who truly, honestly loves and cherishes you and whom you couldn't imagine yourself walking away from, problems and all, embrace that.  Show them a little extra appreciation just for being in your life.  I'm sure we've all had people and situations that were easy to dismiss and walk away from.  But if you're with someone you can't see yourself without, someone who seems to complete you and be your best friend, even when things are tough and you're confused and having second thoughts, give yourself some time to rest your mind and let go of your emotions and then give it a second look.  Assess the root of what you have in the person that's standing in front of you. I'm not saying to settle if you think you're getting less than you deserve, but I'm saying that the grass isn't always greener on the other side and sometimes people get so caught up in chasing the next best thing, only to realize they had gold right in front of them. The next person or situation that might seem better at first will likely be missing some of the qualities you cherish and take for granted about your current situation, after the novelty wears off.

A friend and mentor gave me this little piece of wisdom tonight, almost out of nowhere, long after I'd already thought of writing this post: "Remember these words: there are going to be ups and downs.  My wife and I still have them, but that doesn't mean you don't love each other.  There's no one I'd rather have the ups and downs with.  Because even when it's down, it's still with her.  When you really love someone, it's worth it.  And you work through it and it gets better.  But don't make the mistake of expecting it to always be perfect."

Sometimes the little glimpses of perfection happen at the most imperfect times.  They're not planned or scripted.  Sometimes it doesn't all make sense until you've been through too much.  Just don't walk away too soon, or you could miss out on seeing what it's all about. 

The Big Picture

Tonight I'm thinking about skepticism, cynicism, and faith.  These were some of the key points that were discussed at the church service I attended today.  Today's service was a celebration for breaking ground on their new building.  It was really exciting and everyone's happy that the church is expanding. I know not everyone is religious or even spiritual, so I won't go into any heavy churchy discussion here, but the principles from today's sermon apply to everyone in their everyday lives, regardless of beliefs or backgrounds. 

The online free dictionary defines skepticism as "a doubting or questioning attitude or state of mind," and cynicism as "an attitude of scornful or jaded negativity, especially a general distrust of the integrity or professed motives of others." The two terms are often used interchangeably, but cynicism is worse than skepticism.  One can be skeptical without being negative.  A skeptic simply questions (and sometimes moves beyond questioning to doubt), and there's nothing wrong with questioning.  It's more of a logic, intellect, and understanding thing. But cynics are on another level - cynics don't believe or trust in nearly anything, and their attitudes towards others and all of their actions, words, or intentions are not only negative, but critical and fault-finding.  Cynics seek to poke holes in the ideas of others, they close themselves off to the possibility of truth or enlightenment on the topic of whatever it is they doubt.  Skeptics, however, are more open - they will allow you to show them evidence that proves the matter, even if they start off questioning it.  

Now that we've cleared that up, some statistics for you:  Out of an average group of 100 people polled in a nearby community, 7 reported battling with depression, 12 had experienced anxiety, 7 had addiction problems, 8 were unemployed, and the majority of the rest of the group shared feelings of hopelessness, fogginess, and general apathy towards life.  Another common denominator was that 60 of those 100 people had no sort of faith whatsoever - no religious or spiritual affiliations, no personal beliefs, just themselves and their own lives.  Many explained feeling powerless and alone, afraid to make moves or take risks in their lives for fear of failing.  Thinking nothing better was out there for them, they were cynical and full of self-doubt. 

Everyone has their own story.  And I'm not making this a religious thing, but just a faith in general thing, a belief in something bigger than yourself.  I'm sure there are reasons why non-believers don't believe.  I'm not here to judge or challenge anyone, I'm just sharing my own position.  I know a couple of people who aren't particularly spiritual but explained that they felt differently after having children, that it was a feeling they couldn't quite put into words other than to say they realized it wasn't just them in the world anymore (and not just literally).  But there's a bigger story, and a bigger picture.  It's bigger than any of us, but we all play a part in it. 

I'm sure you can think back to at least one time in your life when you were afraid to do something, almost paralyzed by your fear, like something was holding you back and you just couldn't seem to get started.  And then maybe there came a time when something in your life required a leap of faith and you plunged into something with your eyes closed and your mind and heart open, just hoping and trusting it would all work out.  You had faith.  Maybe you don't believe in the power of positive thinking, but I do and its effects are very similar to having faith (any kind of faith).  But faith and hope are different. Positive thinking and optimism, hoping something will work out, that's not the same as knowing and trusting that it will - without empirical evidence, without knowledge of the future, without supporting details - that's called faith.  I strongly believe that if you constantly exude negative energy and thoughts, negativity will manifest in your life.  But conversely, thinking positively and having faith can change everything.  When you change your thoughts and the way you look at things, the things you look at change.  "Be the change you wish to see in the world," as Gandhi so simply put it.

Imagine yourself walking a tightrope over a fjord hundreds of feet above nothing but fog, glacial rock and ice cold water.  You'd need more than concentration and luck to make it across.  In a life-or-death situation, you would truly need faith that something bigger than yourself would carry you to the other side.  Would you dare be cynical in a situation like that? Right as you were dangling your foot out over the edge of the precipice, about to take that first crucial step, would you really tell yourself there's no way you're making it across and that it could never happen and that you're probably just going to die?  What if your child (or lover or parent or sibling) was on the other side waiting for you? Or even if you're not a person of faith, would you muster up a little prayer?

So many people when facing obstacles or struggling with afflictions turn inwards.  They rebuke everything and everyone around them, they give in to self-doubt, self-pity, and cynicism.  They can only see inside the tunnel of their circumstance, they can only see their own little story.  But we're all part of a much bigger story.  We're all destined for greatness.  As Americans we are so comfortable in our perfect little lives (even when our lives aren't perfect by our standards).  Even when there's drama and problems, we've got our cars and our homes, our big screen TVs and our paychecks, our central heat and air conditioning and our electricity, furniture, food in the pantry, our designer clothes and fancy things, our loved ones, along with everything else we take for granted.  We have our routines, we have our social circles and our territories, our own little environments and comfort zones.  And that fogginess that most of those people reported feeling was in spite of all that. 

Because we're made to reach outward, not draw inward.  We're made to go beyond our comfort zones, our little worlds, and think of more than just ourselves.  We're made to do the best we can and find something we love instead of just settling for what's comfortable.  We're made to serve, make a difference, help others, and to fulfill our role in the bigger story, whatever our individual parts might be. People make the mistake of thinking they can't make a difference, they're not cut from that cloth, they're not that type of person, they're too ordinary.  But you don't have to donate to charity or even volunteer at one to make a difference and make your life more meaningful (I recommend it, but those aren't the only ways).  You can do small things every day, and you can also find your purpose and your calling and figure out how it changes the world around you for the better. 

So when I started thinking about the church's groundbreaking ceremony and how special it is for them now that they'll be able to seat over 2,000 people (when the congregation started back in the 80s in the pastor's living room), I realize that it's the community outreach and the expansion that are so powerful.  Have you ever heard the saying "you have to make room for the things you want in your life?" The church is literally making room for anyone and everyone who need something more in their lives.  They've already exceeded capacity in three or four buildings and they just keep growing.  If you build it, they will come (this seems to be a recurring theme lately).  And for eight years now they've overcome obstacle after obstacle, and they've held firmly to their faith, and everything is finally falling into place and this multi-million dollar expansion is being brought to life.  When you act on faith, you act as if the thing you want is already real, has already been achieved, is already in your grasp. 

Whether you're religious or not, it's a beautiful thing to witness all these people giving testimony on video about how much their lives have changed just because this place and these people exist and have made room and welcomed them in.  What if the congregation was full of cynics who decided it was ok to be comfortable and just close the doors?  What if they didn't care that there were hundreds, maybe thousands more people in the community who could benefit from their expansion and their service?  What if they gave in to their temptation to give up when the work felt like too much and the goal felt impossible? What if they didn't think that they could impact communities internationally, beyond their walls right here in Burlington County?

Maybe I'm not articulating well enough tonight.  This all seemed to flow so smoothly in my head earlier.  But my message is this: Leap and you will be caught; doubt and you will fall.  Having faith, positivity, and the belief in something other than yourself is crucial to making it in this world and making a difference.  Or you can just stay so wrapped up in your own little life, withdrawing into yourself and doubting everything around you, negative and cynical about the world and your plight and everyone who shares the space around you and breathes the same air.  Your life will be so dramatically different, and much darker. 

In life there is so much we can't control.  And if you're familiar with "Bridge Posts" you'll know I wrote one about relinquishing control the other day.  But as so many of my friends have also come to realize lately, we can control the way we think and the things we choose to let in, accept, and give power.  So instead of perceiving yourself as a victim and building a wall around your heart (which won't protect you against all bad things but will close you off to the good), open your eyes, open your hearts, and open your minds.  And realize that there's a bigger story and a bigger picture.  You can choose how it ends and how it's seen from now on. 

Focus

This post is similar to the one on discipline, but I'm going to veer off to the edge a little. 

I'll cut right to the chase.  I've always considered myself a "Jill of All Trades," pretty good at a lot of things, but master of none.  I attribute this to being inquisitive, curious, and easily fascinated.  I'm interested in a variety of things, and I practice them until I become adequate, and then I start on something else.  For example, I really wanted to learn how to play guitar.  So I learned the basics, did the exercises, and I can strum simple melodies and play most of the chords just fine.  But I'm not a skillful guitar player by any means - I can't finger-pick or compose my own tunes, I don't have any finesse or command of the instrument - I can just get by.  Same with piano, same with German.  I even bought myself a book on Turkish and convinced myself I was going to learn that.  Wanna know how that turned out? I can say "I love you," "monkey," and "trash can."  You get the picture. 

Even the things that I would consider to be my best talents (the ones I've spent most of my life on), I have sort of let lapse, fall into a lull, not practicing enough to really keep my skills sharp and refined. And maybe (getting analytical here) it's because I fear not being good enough.  Maybe I possess this engrained sense of self-doubt that chases me away from finishing what I start.  Maybe I'm afraid of mediocrity. Then comes the stunning question: am I masquerading? Am I just a really good imitator? Not in all cases, no.  But sometimes.  This is not something I enjoy admitting, nor do I enjoy making the excuses that follow.  So before I tell you that I work too much and I don't have time, energy, or resources to be constantly practicing (whether it's my music or my languages), I'll tell you that I think it's time for a big change in my life, which will require some laser focus. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm content with where I am.  I'm blessed to have two flexible jobs, one with people I love who are like family to me and where I get fed extremely well and everyone's a fan, and the other where my boss believes in me and I've made some pretty good friends over the course of the past year.  I've moved ahead, I'm doing well "for my age," and I'm being given professional freedom to shape my career towards a direction and a skillset that's more suited to me (marketing, relationships, communication - as opposed to paperwork, numbers, reports).  But contentment, at 27 years old, simply isn't good enough for me. Isn't there more to strive for?  Why waste precious life on simply being content? Should we ever settle for merely satisfactory if we can use our talents to propel us towards greater happiness?

Back to my current situation - I'm grateful for many things.  Among my blessings I count the endless choices I feel I have.  Since I'm so easily interested in so many things, I seem to learn rather quickly and I enjoy getting the hang of things.  But surely all of these things I enjoy can't be careers or ways from which to make a living.  Unfortunately, some of them must be reduced to hobbies.  So while I might think it'd be interesting to learn Portuguese, I can't make that my life's biggest goal (doesn't mean I can't dabble).  I mean, three years ago I seriously thought I was moving to Costa Rica to teach English (ESL).  I had the brochure, the map, the application, I'd done the research...and then...was it money? Was it fear? Was it some other part of my life that I felt was tying me here? Some sense of responsibility to everyone else around me? What stopped me from really achieving that if it's what I truly wanted?  Did another interest spark my curiosity? Was it a fear of semi-permanence? I set my mind on taking a road trip around the country and I made that happen - even though it was with pretty-much strangers, and very low-budget (think camping in a tent in Yellowstone at 20 degrees).  But it was one of the most amazing things I've ever done - however, it had a set end date - there was nothing to fear, no failure to be had (save for getting a flat tire in the Arizona desert and having a headlight burn out, but you know what I mean).  It was an adventure, albeit a temporary, non career-forming one.  Maybe that's the key. 

I've been conducting an experiment on myself (focus, determination, you know the drill) and I'm liking the results.  And I'm proud of myself for sticking to it (not so typical of me - I'm easily distracted and enjoy meandering and finding different phases to fall into).  I don't want to be a shape-shifter anymore.  I think I've identified a goal and have given myself a reasonable time frame for achieving it (or coming close).  I've always wanted to write (as much as I've wanted to sing, travel, and explore languages/cultures).  I don't see why I can't write about everything else I love.  Language comes easily to me, I'm passionate about it (if you've read/listened to my grammar rants or if you were in my middle school English class taught by Ms. Megronigle and witnessed my chagrin when she proudly announced that I, the youngest student in the entire school, was a published author at age 11, then you know this about me), and the abundantly free-flowing bits and pieces that make up language combine themselves in my head in myriad ways. 

Hey, I'm the kid that was selling hand-written, hand-bound stories I'd written on the side of the street instead of lemonade.  They were in pencil, and crudely illustrated, but I sold some! In this big world there are people writing things that reach across continents and communities in seconds, through the internet, or published internationally in bookstores.  It's amazing, really.  Not everyone who ventures into a Barnes & Noble knows what they're looking for.  Some people really do just pick up a book that caught their eye and purchase it.  Wouldn't it be amazing if you were the author of that book? Someone cared enough, was interested enough, to pick up your book and buy it and spend their time reading it, not even knowing what they had set foot in there to buy.  Whether they love it or not, you reached someone, somewhere, entirely out of your realm, who knows nothing about you or your life.  Astonishing.

There are many mediums to choose from (another blessing of choice), and maybe I'll dabble in a few of them before I finally settle on one that I can perfect (lyrics, newspaper or magazine columns, restaurant reviews, essays, novels - fiction or non...).  But I think I've found "it," the thing that screams above the sounds of everything else, the thing that just feels so good to do.  It feels better than cooking - because I can't eat it so it lasts longer.  It feels better than singing - because I'm not so in-my-head judging myself and wondering what others are hearing and which select few people in the audience can detect my rusty technique and occasional disconnection from the score and whether they think I'm a phony (or who's even paying attention and why is that old lady crying and aww that's so sweet he's holding her hand and why would you request Phantom of the Opera and eww my cords feel fat tonight I should've slept more and I wish these girls behind me would stop talking so maybe if I give them an evil stare and hit a high note really loudly right next to them they'll shut up and ugh why must it be that time of the month when I need to sound floaty on these high notes and why is singing in French such a pain in the ass?)

...It (writing) feels downright therapeutic and productive, and the most amazing part of it is that there are so many different forms that are widely accepted.  The phenomenon we call Twitter, limited to a few dozen characters and full of hash-taggery, is an abomination of language, yet it's so widely embraced (I'm on Twitter too, I'm not judging).  There may be an old-school, preservationist way of contemplating the art of writing, but anyone can express themselves through it, as a vehicle.  And not everyone can spell, or articulate with vocabulary and inflection, not everyone has a style, not everyone understands narrative, and not everyone uses punctuation or knows the difference between patients and patience, or they're/there/their.  It's kind of like singing, in that everyone's voice is unique; some are raw and gritty, others angelic and restrained - but the techniques aren't judged as harshly.  A certain acceptance comes with writing; you wouldn't believe some of the things that are printed/published (or maybe you would, because you've probably read them). 

And even though it's all subject to opinion, there's enough opinion to go around the world several times.  I mean, I'm not a fan of James Joyce or his particular style (and yes, there definitely is one), but he's considered a literary genre in and of himself.  Regardless what you like, what the masses like, or what they think of you, there's just something about feeling your pen scratch on paper and watching the words scrawl themselves out in front of your eyes, or letting your fingers type away and watching what unfolds...even if you backspace a few times ;) It's not for them, it's for you.  Unless someone likes it.  And then someone else likes it.  Or it reaches someone.  Or it helps someone.  Then it becomes bigger than yourself.  And in this way I'm intrigued and inspired. 

So within the next few-several years or so, along with that cooking class and dance class I've been wanting to take, along with that culinary tour around the world and that photography workshop I've been dying to try, I think you can start looking for more than blog posts from me.  I just don't know where yet.  There's that key I mentioned earlier (reference to road trip paragraph) - maybe this doesn't have to be a game-changer until I'm ready for it to be.  Maybe I can just do it on the side, building my confidence and refining my preferences and style.  Or maybe I don't get to choose when it becomes a game-changer, because it might just take me by surprise.  But either way, it's time to start exploring it and sticking with it. 

Well then, let the laser focus continue.  And may all my moves and choices be aligned towards sharpening my mind, body and spirit so that I can clearly pursue that goal.