For those of you who know me well, you know that I have a tattoo on my shoulder that's an old Italian proverb advising us not to be too trusting: "Fidarsi e bene, ma non fidarsi e meglio." Literally translated, it means "It's good to trust, but it's better not to."
Everyone knows that the experiences you go through shape your opinions, values, and beliefs, but people don't necessarily realize that their convictions are being formed while it's actually happening. I was several years younger when I got this tattoo, and I was at a time in my life when finding this proverb in a textbook seemed like a message meant for me. I was going through a painful time and I honestly believed that it's better not to trust anyone than to ever let anyone in. It felt like the right thing to do and it felt therapeutic. It was like I was proclaiming to the world that I'd been hurt and I was tough behind my wall, so better not to mess with me.
Someone asked me recently "What does your tattoo mean?" and as the words were leaving my lips, it felt strange to hear my voice saying them. Because now, although I still believe the saying is wise and applicable to much of life, I might just change it to "sometimes it's better not to." But that's not how the proverb goes, and my inscription still reminds me of a time in my life when I learned some hard lessons and felt strongly that I could only depend on myself.
There's much to be said for being self-sufficient and for trusting in yourself (which is different from believing in yourself or having faith in yourself, by the way), but there's also something to be said for the type of progress, growth and healing that come with age and time and that allow you to learn to trust again even after having made such mistakes in the past.
I'm so grateful I didn't let my scars get so thick and dense that I refused to let my walls down again. I still use good judgment and discretion in most cases, and I have strong intuition and inclinations against being overly trusting or straying from the path that I believe is right. But it's such a priceless feeling to have someone in your life that you really do trust implicitly, who knows you better than you know yourself, someone that you can just sink into and that you look forward to being your honest self around. It feels more than comfortable, it feels safe, it feels right, and it feels beautiful. Yes, it comes with a degree of vulnerability, so it's especially important for me to continue practicing gratitude and openness - gratitude for the changes that have occurred in me when I could've gone so far in the other direction, down a path of self-destructive behavior and not letting anyone too far into my life, and open-mindedness, with an open heart and open eyes.
This change and growth doesn't just apply to being trusting; there are other scenarios where I've seen myself change almost as if I was seeing me through someone else's eyes. But today, as I translated the words scrawled across my back in a different language (which is ironic in itself), I realized how much I've grown as a person and how my beliefs, opinions, and convictions aren't all in such stark contrast anymore. Now, I'm starting to see a little bit of gray.
Now, I'm adding in a little "sometimes."
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