Recognition

Recognition is underrated.  Much of my life I've struggled to come to terms with the fact that no one will ever be recognized for all of the (good) things they do.  Everyone is different: some people don't verbally recognize or acknowledge the deeds of others, some do it infrequently, some do it all the time because they believe in the power of positive reinforcement (or they're just really nice or thankful), and others don't simply because they're oblivious to the efforts of others. 

There are varying opinions on this topic based on the deeds being recognized, the reason one does them, the reason one would offer recognition in the first place, why the deed-doer wants recognition, and the effect of the deed and its subsequent acknowledgement on both the recipient and the giver. 

First things first.  Why do some people need recognition more than others and what makes them want it in the first place?  I'm not sure I have all the answers to this, and I'm not about to go conduct a psychological study or survey anybody.  All I know is that I'm one of those people who needs to be recognized or acknowledged for things that I do, whether I'm doing a good job on something or going out of my way to do someone a favor.  It's kind of like when you hold the door for someone and they appreciate it and acknowledge you by saying "thank you." You get a small sense of gratification and fulfillment that you did something nice for someone (on a very small scale).  It makes you feel good and inspires you to keep doing nice things. 

There are those of you who argue that things like this should be thankless; that one should not expect, want or need to be recognized for anything they do and that good deeds are almost voided in the expectation of their recognition.  People of that mindset also tend to feel that people who need to be recognized or acknowledged for who they are (concerned with their reputation, care about what people think, etc.) are not only insecure, but do not truly and genuinely possess any of the qualities for which they seek recognition.

I disagree with those people and I feel that recognition and acknowledgement (accompanied by the occasional "thanks") are necessary, deserved, and should be expected (to an extent).  I'm not concerned with where this trait or desire comes from (need for control? insecurity/need for approval? the way we were raised? the need to rank oneself by other metrics than one's own?) but I know I possess it, and if that means I'm admitting to any of the psychological factors between the parentheses, then so be it. 

Someone recently told me about an exercise that an elementary school teacher came up with for her class one day.  She would pick one student each week and ask the rest of the kids in the class to anonymously write down something that they liked about their classmate.  All the students turned in their papers and the teacher typed all the thoughts onto one piece of paper and gave it to each student at the end of the school year.  The person who told me the story knew one of the students who had participated in this exercise and said that even after he was a grown man, he cherished that piece of paper.  One day he died, and the paper was found folded up in his wallet.  He had carried it with him everywhere because it meant so much to him.  He didn't know most of those kids anymore, and he didn't know which ones had written certain opinions, but those innocent, untainted childhood accounts of his positive qualities obviously reminded him of traits that were hard for him to recognize in himself.  Or maybe they were things he wanted to remember during hard times, when it was more difficult to feel good about himself.  Whatever the reasons, the recognition was valuable to him. 

Many corporations implement recognition programs and reward performance in various ways.  Smart companies know that success begins with their people and that employees must feel valued in order to meet expectations and remain happy in their jobs.  It's not just in the form of monetary rewards either; simple accolades mean more to most people than incentive dollars.  I think it applies to any person in any job - whether it's your boss that says you're doing a good job, or a co-worker who gives you credit for an idea in a meeting in front of the rest of your team, or you receive a raise or promotion.  Recognition feels good and motivates people to continue doing good work.  But why should accolades be reserved for corporate structure?  How many times in our daily lives and inside our relationships would a little recognition go a long way?

Whether you're a mother, a father, a significant other, a husband, a wife, a child, a student, a teacher, a doctor, a coach, an athlete, an artist, a performer, a customer service rep, a sister, a brother, a friend, etc., it feels good and it is meaningful to have someone in your life - whatever the capacity - tell you that you're doing a good job, that they appreciate what you've done, that you mean something to them, or just simply thank you for something.  Recognition reinforces and strengthens relationships.  It's not about coddling or babying anybody, and it's not about the people who are being recognized being too weak to stand on their own or having an inadequacy complex.  It's about a positive exchange and encouragement of continuation of positive cycles of behavior. There's nothing worse than bending over backwards for someone and they have nothing positive to say; in fact, they have no problem critiquing, complaining or criticizing, which tears you down and makes you feel unvalued. 

Now why are some people so stingy with their words?  Why do some people find it so difficult to recognize others, and why are they so seemingly unwilling to offer words of thanks and praise?  Is it an ego thing?  Is it stubbornness?  Is it because they are overly hard on themselves and they themselves feel underappreciated so it's hard for them to give more than they've gotten?  Is it because they really don't feel positively towards other people and their actions? Is it because they're never satisfied with anything?  Who knows.  But those people are missing out.  Positivity breeds positivity.  And to that effect, I believe recognition breeds recognition.  Praise fosters praise.

There are differing dynamics between all of the relationships where praise for another may be deserved (see above).  But when there's an absence of appreciation, gratitude, praise, satisfaction, etc. it's hard to begin.  It's just not a behavior that everyone possesses.  I feel like it could almost be therapeutic - if you're not a praiser or recognizer, start offering one compliment or gratuitous "thank you for..." each day and see how good it feels when someone responds positively.  I firmly believe that this can change so much of a person's attitude towards another person (or department or family member).  In relationships, it's easy to fall into competition over who praises more or who recognizes less, and if one person rarely makes the other feel appreciated, the other may get resentful and fail to recognize him or her either. 

Like I said, without delving into the human psyche and conducting behavioral research, all I have are my feelings and experiences and I can't understand the people who think everything should be thankless and that wanting recognition takes away from what you're doing.  If you save someone's life on the street and they thank you for it, you feel great.  If they don't thank you for it, you still feel great, and you'd still do it again, but you'll never know what a difference you made in their life or whether they even wanted to be saved.  Maybe that's an extreme example, no one saves someone's life just for recognition (at least I hope not!).  But my point is, I'm not holding the door for an elderly woman to hear her say thank you.  Sometimes they're grumpy and they don't say anything or they tell you they don't need your help.  It doesn't mean I won't hold the door anymore.  But when they do recognize your effort and show appreciation for taking a moment of your time to do something selfless, it almost reaffirms your faith in the world because to recognize good in someone is to be good yourself. 

Almost no one can continue on a path of constantly doing good for others or doing people favors or working their butts off or going out of their way to exceed expectations or helping people or putting others before themselves - without getting any thanks, recognition, or praise.  People get resentful, they feel unappreciated, taken for granted, and saddened.  When people aren't told by the important people in their lives that they're appreciated and that they bring feelings of gratitude and satisfaction, or when no one recognizes their efforts and they're sincerely trying to help or make someone happy or be the best they can be, they lose something.  They lose motivation and self-respect and they start wondering why they try so hard in the first place and whether or not they even matter. 

Seriously, how hard is it to say to someone who's important in your life, "thanks for doing that," or "I appreciate you," or "you look nice today," or "it means so much to me how hard you've been trying to do xyz..." or "great job on that project last week, you nailed it!" What have you got to lose by praising someone? What harm can it do? I think good can only give way to good in this case.  Try it.