Out of Darkness Something Beautiful Blossoms

Have you ever journeyed into the depths of your pain and cried with your entire being? I mean with every last cell and molecule, hurling your heavy sadness into the air and hearing the echo of your emptiness as you howl and gasp for breath. Have you ever found yourself tangled in the emotional wreckage, utterly twisted and crumpled and broken like the gnarled, fractured metal skeleton of a car crash, a hollow shell of yourself, unable to pick your retching body up off the floor?

This is a monster. Love, life, loss, pain, tragedy, whichever face it's wearing when it comes to get you. But I'm talking about love. Jaw-clenching, soul-baring, gut-wrenching, painful, real love; complete with red-rimmed, bloodshot eyes, splitting head, and churning insides. That resounding desolation where no one can hear your violent sobs, that chasm of aloneness that you spiral into - that's where love goes when it breaks. And if you can't let go, it takes you with it, dragging you precipitously over the jagged cliffs of the abysmal pit before you get swallowed whole by the fiery hell and succumb to the burning as the walls cave in around you.

After you feel like you've expelled your innards and cried every last tear and diced up what's left of your heart, as you look up from your spot on the ground waiting for the skies to open and bathe you in fresh rain to wash away your salty teardrops, you realize it's still not over.

When you open your puffy eyes and try to stand on your weakened, shaky legs you fall down again, tumble, collapse into a pathetic heap. You try to think, imagine, plan your next steps; rebuild, regroup, recover. But as your temples throb and your body aches from all the heaving, you curl yourself up into a ball and clutch empty air inside your fists because that's all your shattered psyche can handle.

You don't know how it got this way or if it can be fixed - sewn, stitched, glued, bandaged, repainted, rebuilt, reassembled; you just know it has to be different, right now, one way or another. It is in these times and these dark places that our true strength is tested. Our resolve, our will, and our faith are tried. It's not a question of how long it takes to recover, or in what way we self-medicate or lick our wounds, rather how we choose to carry on and what new reality we cling to.

From the blackest, most charred and barren spirits who despair in their shattered dreams, hope springs. From the longest nightmares and the deepest cuts, something beautiful blossoms. Maybe it's a second chance, a rebirth of an existence that fell off track. Maybe it's a fresh start, a new beginning, a breath of life to revive a dream, a soul, a heart.

The road to recovery is usually long. Whether it's long and winding, slow and steady, or more crisply focused than you've ever seen; use that clarity, use that strength, use that steadfast determination and turn them into golden bits of inspiration to climb that mountain, turn that corner in your soul, become stronger than ever before, and surprise yourself when you're able to look back over your shoulder at everything you've put behind you and say "I did it."

Don't grow cold, don't wall off your heart. Put miles under your feet or your wheels if you must; but don't be afraid to dig your heels into the ground if that's what you're being called to do. Close the door to the past if you must, and start opening some new ones if that's what your heart needs. Or hold someone tighter and with more intensity than you've ever held them before. Tell them you're not letting go.

Believe in second chances - they just might be life-savers. Trust your gut and listen to your heart.  Flee or put roots down.  Fly, flourish, conquer. But don't go rushing to decide right away: let your wounds heal; pick yourself up and dust yourself off, because there's more in store for you.

And I hope it's beautiful.  

To Some People That's Beautiful

I want to sing and dance
Every now and then I can be reckless and wild
I get a little emotional sometimes
But it's beautiful

I give everything I've got
I keep going until there's nothing left
I lay my soul bare and keep coming back for more
But it's beautiful

I'm particular, I think too much
I'm organized, I'm a mess
I'm loyal to a fault
But it's beautiful

I don't trust easily, I'm wary
I'm haunted by things that have happened and things that haven't yet
But I dive right in without heeding my own warnings
And it's beautiful

I'm not perfect, but I'm far from ordinary
I can't be pinned or stifled
My spirit is something special
And that's beautiful

I can be silly, I can be sappy
I can be way too serious sometimes
I overcompensate and I like to earn love
But you know what? It's beautiful

I've got a bright side and a dark side
At my best I glow and radiate
At my worst I withdraw and give in
But it's beautiful

I over extend myself
If you have my love there's almost nothing I wouldn't do for you
I can be like sweet sunshine in the morning
And that's beautiful

I'm a wanderer, I love living
I don't always know where I'm going or what I'm doing
I have a big heart and I'm not afraid to use it
And that's beautiful.

_________________________________________________________________

The point of these ramblings tonight is that all of us are special and wonderful in our own unique ways.  Some of us choose to let our loveable side show while some of us hide it away.  I've been seeing dozens of posts on Facebook and Instagram in the past couple of weeks that are lovey-dovey, cutesy, and romantic.  A girl being swept up in a man's arms, dipped for a kiss on the cheek; a girl being brought breakfast in bed; a girl publicly recognizing and appreciating her boyfriend and how hard he works; another girl describing how wonderfully thoughtful her boyfriend is and how a small gesture from him made her day; a guy announcing that he has the best girlfriend ever because of how well she takes care of him; another guy proclaiming proudly how much he loves his fiancée; a couple posting pictures of themselves holding hands and kissing...

Of course, there are always going to be unhappy posts, stories of endings and betrayal, regrets and poor decisions.  And I'm not one of the people who hates reading about any of these things (or the happy ones).  I see a lot of folks complaining like "keep that stuff to yourself, it makes me want to throw up, no one cares about how in love you are, get a room," or "stop airing your dirty laundry online, if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all, I'm so sick of scrolling through my news feed and reading about everyone's most recent drama or heartache..."

To those people I say delete the ones who are annoying you then.  That's what social media is for - it's a forum to publicly express and share anything you want.  Some people have a natural tendency to share more when they're happy; others are more inclined to share when they're depressed.  If you feel the need to criticize what someone is sharing then maybe there's something going on (or not going on) in your life.  If you don't like it, don't read it, or unfriend them, simple as that.

Everyone has a right to their feelings and the expression of those feelings.  If they choose to use social media as an outlet then so be it, that's their prerogative.  But I for one, enjoy reading and seeing what my "friends" are experiencing.  It reminds me that there's so much in life that goes on, that could go on, that we miss.  If you're one of those lucky girls whose boyfriend publicly proclaims his love for you and regularly tells you how great you are and expresses affection in a public way, then by all means, brag about it.  And hold onto that.  And cherish it, because it's something not every girl has, even though it's something that we all have a right to feel.  I'm happy for any and all of you and I support that you feel happy enough to share it with everyone. 

And if you're one of the ones who's upset and something bad happened to you recently, hold on, because this too shall pass, and if it makes you feel better to share and if someone connects to you and is there for you, then that's great.  And hopefully by reading other people's happy posts you'll feel optimistic that your outlook can change for the better. 

We all are exquisite creatures.  Every girl (and guy) deserves someone who is going to make her feel that way.  Someone who is going to love her for who she really is - all the things that make her her - maybe even if some of those things are not so nice.  Someone who will admire and embrace the characteristics that she possesses, the things she accomplishes, the good deeds she performs.  Someone who will let her know how she enriches his life and brightens his day.  Someone who makes her feel like he knows what he has and doesn't want to lose it and will do whatever it takes to keep her by his side.  Someone who knows her better than she knows herself and who is her biggest supporter, fan, and best friend.  Deep down, don't most of us want that? Yea, I want someone who's going to make a big deal over me once in a while.  So what? I am a big deal.  Is it asking too much?

If you have that, I'm happy for you.  If you don't, you can, and if you never stop searching, one day you will.  Don't sell yourself short, don't settle for less than you deserve, don't trap yourself into thinking you have a "type" or a standard that is impossible to meet.  We all deserve to be loved as much as we love.  Allow those who can deliver that feeling a glimpse into your soul.  Let that wall come down and forget your fear for long enough to test the waters and see if anything is there. 

When people praise you, compliment you, and sincerely offer you a gleaming opinion of yourself from their perspective, accept it with grace and let it linger.  Reflect on it.  Ask yourself if you see the things about yourself that they see.  Then ask yourself if others in your life see the same things.  If the people you spend the most time with don't see the best in you and bring out the best in you, maybe they're dulling your shine.  You shouldn't have to try to get someone to recognize you for who you are.  You shouldn't have to try to give someone the feeling that they crave being around you and that they're just magnetically drawn to you.  You shouldn't have to try to get someone to think you're awesome, to love you to the moon and back, to sing your praises, to compliment and thank more than they criticize and doubt, and to respect you and cherish you like the treasure that you are. 

That should all come naturally.  Every girl (and guy) deserves that.  We all deserve that. 

Love is Enough

Sometimes we expect so much out of life that we're easily let down.  Sometimes we lose sight of our blessings and take for granted all we have.  The same holds true of relationships: we tend to expect so much out of our significant others that it's hard for them not to disappoint us, but they're humans too.  When you met your significant other, you were probably captivated and intrigued by the person they were and you didn't expect them to think, feel, or act like you.  You warmed to your similarities and were fascinated by your differences as you got to know them and discover things about their personal story. 

But as time passes and attachment sets in and you become invested in someone, heart and soul, it's easy to project your perspective and sensitivity onto the one who shares your life, almost expecting them to read your thoughts, predict your feelings, moods, and reactions, and share your opinions too.  And when they inevitably don't or can't, it's easy to point the finger at them for falling short. But instead of giving in to our frustration, can't we remember what a blessing it is to simply have someone to love and to be loved in return?

We should all try to love more simply for the sake of loving, and relish being loved for who you are, rather than trying to fine-tune the ways in which someone expresses their love for you.  It doesn't always have to be like it is in the movies (and it's not going to be).  If that's what you have, that's great and I'm happy for you.  But not everyone has a storybook romance that's always picture perfect (or pretty damn close even at its worst).  Not everyone has that Ryan Gosling/Rachel McAdams in the Notebook, awestruck, absolutely sick over each other kind of love.  Not everyone is going to love you for every single thing you think they should love you for; but instead, maybe they'll pick up on some things about you that you didn't even know were loveable.  Better yet, maybe they'll love the parts of you that you don't even like, the parts you wish you could just erase.  And really, who are we to dictate how another should love? It's a personal and vulnerable thing that each heart does differently, it's not just a sentiment or a fleeting emotion.  It's an experience, a part of life that has different intricacies for each person. 

Sometimes we need people that aren't what we think we need or what we expect.  Sometimes there's a higher plan at work that was orchestrated without our knowledge or understanding.  Sometimes people balance each other out, and little disputes, differences, and annoyances come with the territory.  Everybody's different, and you don't get to go plug your specific, desired criteria into a computer and build the person you want (and what fun would that be, unless you're really into science fiction and think it would be cool to just replicate a robot that fits all your qualifications?).  Compatibility and chemistry are funny things, and they don't mean that someone will always have just the right amount of tact or that they'll never let you down.  But if you've got someone who would do anything for you and who places your happiness at a level that rivals that of their own, if you've got someone who has allowed their world to be dramatically changed simply to have you exist within it, then don't let that go. 

If you're truly unhappy with your circumstances, then by all mean, cut your losses and leave.  Change your situation.  Why waste anymore of your time or theirs? But if you know you're with someone who truly, honestly loves and cherishes you and whom you couldn't imagine yourself walking away from, problems and all, embrace that.  Show them a little extra appreciation just for being in your life.  I'm sure we've all had people and situations that were easy to dismiss and walk away from.  But if you're with someone you can't see yourself without, someone who seems to complete you and be your best friend, even when things are tough and you're confused and having second thoughts, give yourself some time to rest your mind and let go of your emotions and then give it a second look.  Assess the root of what you have in the person that's standing in front of you. I'm not saying to settle if you think you're getting less than you deserve, but I'm saying that the grass isn't always greener on the other side and sometimes people get so caught up in chasing the next best thing, only to realize they had gold right in front of them. The next person or situation that might seem better at first will likely be missing some of the qualities you cherish and take for granted about your current situation, after the novelty wears off.

A friend and mentor gave me this little piece of wisdom tonight, almost out of nowhere, long after I'd already thought of writing this post: "Remember these words: there are going to be ups and downs.  My wife and I still have them, but that doesn't mean you don't love each other.  There's no one I'd rather have the ups and downs with.  Because even when it's down, it's still with her.  When you really love someone, it's worth it.  And you work through it and it gets better.  But don't make the mistake of expecting it to always be perfect."

Sometimes the little glimpses of perfection happen at the most imperfect times.  They're not planned or scripted.  Sometimes it doesn't all make sense until you've been through too much.  Just don't walk away too soon, or you could miss out on seeing what it's all about.