They Say it's Your Birthday!

Da na na na na na na na they say it's your birthday! That Beatles song always pops into my head, every year when I wake up on my birthday.  I think my friend Liz hates that song, haha. 

Anyway, on this 28th anniversary of my birth, which officially began at 8:12 this morning, I am reminded that although birthdays are like our own personal holidays (especially for us Christmas babies), each year they should mean more and more.

See, for most people, the excitement fades with each year.  For some it is replaced by dread.  Many people feel that it's "just another day" and no reason for fanfare or to be treated any differently.  Well I say screw that!  It is NOT just another day, and you should most definitely be treated exceptionally. 

We are all unique, like fingerprints.  Our birthdays are reminders that we should be celebrated, and we should celebrate ourselves.  Most of us get so caught up in the every-day pressure of cramming 36 hours' worth of life into a 24-hour sized package.  We beat ourselves up, we put others first, and we definitely don't take care of ourselves the way we should.

Especially for the ones who feel guilty doing so, birthdays are a time when it's totally appropriate to pamper yourself or do whatever the heck you want - like take off work just to sit around and do nothing.  I've heard people ridicule others for taking off work on the day of their birthday.  I feel sorry for them! If you want to work on your birthday, that's your prerogative, but I'm not going to sit here and praise your work ethic.  If you don't feel like celebrating yourself, then fine.  But I hope you'll let your loved ones celebrate you!

Not all birthdays are milestones, and they say "it's all downhill from ___" (insert year).  But they're all mile markers.  They're all place holders.  They're all like bookmarks, reminding us that we're lucky to see another year, to look back on all we've accomplished and all that we still want to do and to give ourselves a clean slate.  The day of your birthday is like a free space in Bingo or restarting your computer.  You get to unwrap a shiny new year, day 1 of 365, to make a difference and make it count. 

Along with being loved and appreciated, your birthday is an opportunity to love and appreciate where you came from, those who made you, all of the people who care about you, and everything that makes you who you are.  People who don't like birthdays are like grinches and scrooges who don't like Christmas, in my opinion.  Don't think of it as another year older, think of it as another year more awesome, and more you.  Thank all the people who are thankful for you and savor that feeling of being reminded abundantly that the world is a better place with you in it. 

Thanks everyone, for remembering me on my birthday.  :)

Thanksgiving

Today I'm thankful for my struggles.  I'm thankful for the hard times.  I want to take a few minutes to reflect on everything that's brought me this far and to own what I'm going through now. 

Sometimes in life we reach a turning point, a fork in the road.  We know that we can allow ourselves to be complacent and comfortable, settle into our same-old same, and cease the search for more and better.  We all know that tricky feeling of "maybe this is as good as it gets, maybe this is where I'm supposed to be."  Many of us fear leaving that comfort behind, even if only temporarily, to challenge our own beliefs and views, to open our eyes to new experiences and horizons, and to push ourselves to change, grow, adapt, learn, pray, trust, ask for help, and forgive. 

Even when we do have it good and are thankful for our situations and the people and blessings in our lives, we are still painfully human.  What I mean is, no matter how much gratitude we practice, no matter how well we think we embody or deserve all that we have, we can be utterly oblivious to the obstacles that we put in our own way of truly and responsibly living and loving with everything we have.

Yes, I said the obstacles that we put in our way.  In that familiar place of complacency, we fool ourselves.  We naively think we're doing the best we can.  But in that belief we can be our own worst enemies.  We're rarely doing the best that we can.  There's always room to do better, there's a limitless amount of space that will allow each of us to grow beyond our wildest dreams and make our lives more than we could've ever imagined.  But instead of embracing and owning where and who we are, we allow ourselves to walk around thinking we're bigger than we are because we find comfort in that and because it covers up our fear of failing to meet our own expectations and make our dreams reality.

That sense of frustration we feel, that internal conflict and struggle we face when things don't go our way, that's a message.  And too often we cross our own wires to prevent the message from getting through.  Whether it's inconvenient or painful or flattening or dismantling, we protect our pride and our egos, we protect our hearts, and we limit our potential and rob the ones that we love of our true hearts.  When we blame circumstance and others, when we internalize and withdraw, when we defend and fight, we put up walls and we disgrace ourselves.  That is the opposite of humility and openness, two essential elements of growth and happiness.

Sometimes, in order to break out of the denial we're wrapped in, we have to make drastic changes in our lives.  We have to rip the fabric of routine and familiarity in order to give ourselves room to receive, to awaken, to enlighten, to cleanse, to let go, to rejuvenate, to open, and to see.  When we make ourselves uncomfortable and force ourselves to adapt, dig deep, and find strength, then healing and self-love become possible.  Only when we cultivate an environment of change can our senses and mind be heightened in ways we didn't know we needed. 

Whether we remove ourselves from a shaky equation and cut it in half, hoping to reunite its factors and solidify it, risking losing that half of ourselves forever; whether we close a chapter in our story that hurts to leave behind in order to be able to turn a new page; whether we open old wounds and let them bleed so that they can finally heal, instead of continuing to bandage and ignore them; whether we finally begin to embrace where we've been and what we've done and own our truths instead of being ashamed of our scars and mistakes...

When we do any of these things, we hit the reset button.

Insert your own metaphor here, but failure to do the work necessary to facilitate your own blossoming is to deny yourself an opportunity for true happiness, to steal from yourself an encounter with unconditional love.  So be thankful for the pain, because it will fade away and refresh you.  Pain is temporary, and it will only make you stronger.  Be thankful for the chance to feel and to understand and to see clearly.  Be thankful for the opportunity to see that yes, you may have been wrong.  You may have hurt people.  You may have screwed up.  But that path led you to this moment to make peace with that, own it, and make your future different. And in doing so, you can really give yourself to the ones you love, and the ones who are still standing there loving you, in the way that they desire and deserve.

Be thankful for the struggles.  They are some of the biggest blessings of all.  And be thankful for the chance to hit the reset button.

Ditch the Armor

 

Not terribly long ago, a dear friend kindly explained to me how brightly I shine, but pointed out the caveat that I'm prone to projecting this sort of tough-girl façade, which only takes away from my natural light and likeability.  Feeling incredibly exposed and caught off guard, I reflected on my friend's statements for some time; both touched and bewildered. 

You see, this front of mine, this virtual armor, if you will, is something I've been building and wearing for years, and it used to be voluntary and intermittent, only applied when necessary.  But I suppose after a while it became second nature, a permanent part of me, like a skin graft so undetectable that it was barely worth pointing out.  Little did I know I was wearing it around like an obnoxious fur coat or bright red leather pants; this huge chip on my shoulder had become so obtuse and bulky that I was the only one I was fooling.  I should have known that a true friend can always see through the armor. 

Let's not rewind through time and get into why and how this persona I'd developed over the years came to be.  Instead, let's focus on the fact that it was brought to light, it has been nurtured and fed entirely too long, and I don't want to enable it anymore.  I don't want to keep adding chunks of metal onto this shield, becoming more and more hardened, increasingly impervious to whatever it is I'm attempting to protect myself from.  No more "tough girl" for me.  Not that it was ever intentional, not that it's how I wanted to be perceived, but there are times when people create characters, extensions of themselves, to distract from what's truly there, to defend against the elements and the harsh possibilities presented by a reality that they're scared to be a part of.

Metaphorically speaking, maybe I subconsciously thought that my shiny armor made me more captivating, attractive, or intriguing in some way.  Maybe I gleaned some false sense of security from it, thinking that I had an advantage over anyone I encountered because I could see them in their natural state but I - I was a mystery.  Maybe I didn't realize that my armor was only partial and that it didn't extend like chain mail down my arms and legs, so that people could still see the beating heart I wore on my sleeve.  Truth is, I'm sick of carrying the shield around. It's heavy, it's dragging me down, and it's dulling my shine. 

I don't want to live behind this wall anymore.  I want to extend the same grace and kindness to everyone I meet.  I want to allow myself to be open to the world and all the experiences it has to offer, even if that means allowing myself to be vulnerable, to accept the possibility of being hurt (as opposed to pretending that absolutely nothing can hurt me because I won't let anyone get that close), and throwing caution to the wind, leaping with my eyes closed.  I want to give and to love freely, I want to remember what it feels like to be the kind of beautiful that only comes when you are truly and unapologetically yourself, without being tainted by the concern of others' perceptions or opinions.  I want to love and give without assuming that someone is incapable of doing the same for me.  I don't want to feed into preconceived notions based on fear and insecurity and past hurt.  I want to forgive, let go, trust. 

The following words and ideas aren't mine, and I'm sure they've been spoken many times throughout history, but I thought they were fitting for what I'm feeling:

• Change is a prerequisite to growth
• Change hurts
• Change humbles
• Change requires coming clean
• Change is illuminating
• Change can be facilitated by loss, grief, suffering, desperation
• Change is purifying

Small Victories

Sometimes losing means winning. Many blessings are often disguised as hardships, such as loss. Loss of a job, which forces you to take control of your life and make decisions that push you outside of your comfort zone, perhaps landing you a job doing something you love and thereby greatly improving the quality of your life.

Loss of a loved one, which is always tragic, can sometimes shed new light on a dream or a purpose. You always see people who defend noble causes in honor of a loved one, and what starts as paying homage to the memory of their life ends up helping thousands of people in similar situations and realizing a higher calling.

Loss of a relationship, loss of a home, loss of health. All losses can have silver linings if we choose to see them. They can forge unity and strength, community and triumph. They can be the wake-up calls we need to promote change within our own lives, showing us we've been taking things for granted, "doing it wrong."

Today though I'm talking about something much smaller. However, my recent loss still represents an issue with great challenges. Sometimes we try something and fail over and over, perceiving instability or fearing one result or another. I'm talking about weight loss.

For many people weight loss signifies a huge life change. Most people, especially those who have never struggled with weight, view weight loss as a simple choice and a superficial change to one's physical appearance. But the changes are not purely physical. They are as psychological as they are bodily. Metaphorically speaking, weight loss represents for many people the purging of some sort of emotional baggage. Replacing it with strength and resolve. Filling the void with confidence instead of seeking comfort through the pursuit of harmful habits.

No, I wouldn't consider myself someone with a weight problem. Nor am I unhealthy. But I can empathize with those in these categories, whether they have a medical condition, disease, food addiction, or just basic bad habits. Most people with weight problems (either obesity or being underweight) suffer from body image issues. Whether they've had those issues from the beginning or developed them as a result of their worsening condition, it's a legitimate psychological mountain with varying degrees of severity and impact.

Overcoming body image issues is extremely difficult. Even if there's absolutely nothing wrong with a child, teenager or young adult who is simply thin as a result of active metabolism and genetics, that person can develop body image issues or turn to overeating because of the taunting from others. "Skinny" kids get labeled anorexic, bulimic, skeletal, and disgusting by classmates and peers. Adults tease and prod, tactlessly expressing their concerns.

Girls are tormented by the fact that they don't look mature and feminine like some of their more "normal" friends. They feel ugly. The theme affects boys too, who don't feel as masculine or tough as some of their counterparts, who may be athletic, more popular, and more liked by the opposite sex. There is almost just as big a stigma associated with being underweight as with being overweight.

Along with the development of overeating and unhealthy habits, kids who are bullied for being too skinny also often turn to dangerous ways of seeking attention and redeeming likeability. In girls this may mean becoming promiscuous, dressing proactively or inappropriately, or overcompensating in some other way. In boys it could lead to retaliation and violence, turning to substance abuse in order to "fit in," or maybe even criminal activity in hopes of being seen as brave and daring in order to gain popularity. Kids can act out in all kinds of ways as they start to feel alienated and distanced from what they view as social norms.

I probably don't have to delve into the psychology of overweight kids. I'm making the assumption that it's safe to say they get teased worse than anybody else. Many of them grow up feeling worthless, unliked, even disgusting. If it's genetic and their parents are overweight, they may feel angry and helpless. If it's self-inflicted as a means of seeking comfort from an unstable home environment, they may feel confused and experience self-loathing.

The pressures of society and the media telling girls they have to be thin and curvy and telling boys they have to be tall and muscular, or whatever comparative "norm" is promoted as desirable at the time, forces adolescents to want to "keep up" with each other and try to mold themselves to be more like somebody else. As if adolescence weren't awkward enough, trying to shape and define your physical appearance before you're even finished growing is like torture to most kids.

Whether girls are throwing up in bathrooms or stuffing their bras and putting on lipstick because they think it's going to make people stop making fun of them, the common denominator is that they don't like themselves. Even without a medical diagnosis or evident disorder, the psychological harm exists. Whether teenage boys are tempted to use steroids or try to "bulk up" in some other unsafe way, it's rare that they find and embrace their identity in their uniqueness.

The kids we knew as "misfits," "nerds," and "punks" were rarely happy to be labeled that way. And the ones who did it for the attention or because they liked the culture were most likely seeking some other form of comfort and unity, whether in the lyrics of songs by bands that they identified with or in the compassion of close friends who might've been among the chosen few made privy to family or emotional problems.

For most, body image issues are not just some "phase" (and are not always indicated by weight). They don't change with ebb and flow of new fads and trends, and they don't usually just go away on their own. It's typically a lifelong struggle with insecurity and self-doubt, the compulsion to always compare oneself to others, forcing feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, and the cyclical never-good-enough complex that spins you in circles until you forget you're only competing with yourself.

Therefore, weight loss (or healthy weight gain) and bodily change, regardless of how small or dramatic, signify something huge for most people: a change in mentality, an altered perception of self, and the triumph over an internal conflict. For most, holding oneself accountable is the biggest struggle of all. Having to answer to yourself at the end of the day is so much harder than having to respond to a trainer or a program. Completing tasks and meeting goals are not necessarily equivalent to actually feeling differently about yourself. Learning to love oneself unconditionally is something that many people never accomplish. Being happy when you look at your reflection in the mirror, beyond just what you see, is the hard part for many.

I've struggled with body image issues my whole life and have always had an inferiority complex. I compare myself to others obsessively. I was one of the kids who got teased for being skinny and a late bloomer, and I got labeled with eating disorders as if they were nicknames, even though I had no existing medical conditions. I was just a healthy kid with a rapid metabolism. I was tall and awkward and it took me a lot longer to grow into my features than other girls my age, and I always resented them for that.

As I got older I started to fill out and my metabolism started to slow down. I've never considered myself "fat" but I've put on some weight over the years and it's gotten to a point I'm uncomfortable with. A lot of people might read this and think, "oh please, that's everyone. You're no different than anybody else." And that's their prerogative, but I know that some people are affected by things that others just aren't, and I'm addressing those things within myself. See, I tend to seek food for comfort, for amusement, for satisfaction. If I'm bored, I eat. If I'm sad, I eat. Angry, lonely, nervous, you name it. It's become sort of a hobby.

When I was younger I could literally eat whatever I wanted because I never put on weight and I continued those habits into adulthood, until I realized it was unhealthy and I was no longer immune to the effects of overindulgence. I started to get mad at myself for lacking the willpower and discipline to make healthier choices, or to maintain them for longer than two weeks before reverting to my old ways. I'd see nothing wrong with eating a whole pizza or devouring a half gallon of ice cream, and then I'd wonder why I was gaining weight and I'd hate myself for it.

My clothes stopped fitting and I'd buy new ones, I'd make excuses not to go somewhere when I was disgusted with how I looked after trying on everything in my closet that was now at least two sizes too small. I would get stomach pains from continually "sucking it in" and then I'd tell myself that no one could notice and I still looked the same. I'd try gimmick after gimmick, thinking I'd find a magic pill that would allow me to keep pigging out and gorging myself without changing my lifestyle or working harder at being healthy.

Finally I decided I've had enough. I'm a couple years shy of thirty and I want those years to be some of the best of my life. I'm done with hating myself, pitying myself, and envying others. I decided to join Weight Watchers. For those of you who have heard of the program but are unfamiliar with what it's all about, first let me tell you that diet programs are not restricted to any kind of stereotype or number. You don't have to weigh a certain amount or be declared obese to join one of these programs. It's for anyone who needs education and assistance with their goals, and it gives you guidance and control.

Number one, I chose Weight Watchers because it doesn't restrict your food choices (it's not proprietary. With NutriSystem I think they send you their own brand of food that you commit to eating. Some other companies make you buy cookbooks or smoothie-making equipment, or tell you to commit to a liquid diet and buy all their supplements). Weight Watchers does have their own brand of food that you can buy in the supermarket, but that's not a key component to joining their program, which gives you the freedom to make choices and learn as you go.

I also got a good deal. I signed up for three months (which is really the minimum amount of time you should commit to something before expecting to see real results) for under $60. At the end of my 3 months, my rate will renew monthly at under $20/month. This is less than I pay for my gym membership and I use it every day, so it's worth it to me. For the money you get the full version of the app (the free version is limited), the full support of the website with your own private, personalized identity, the tools and resources of the website and mobile app, and the ability to go to any meeting in the area.

What I value most about it is the education. For me, the problem wasn't what I was eating, but how much. I knew enough to understand that cheesesteaks and fries weren't healthy choices and I tried my hardest to practice moderation with my weaknesses, sweets and carbs. I kind of had a grasp on the science and makeup of foods. What was totally over my head was quantity and portion size. I've always had a hearty appetite, and I sort of became known for how much I could eat. I loved the attention and bragging rights, and pigging out made me feel good.

My body became accustomed to the amount of food I'd consume and I started needing larger quantities on a regular basis, just to satiate myself. I eventually lost that "full" signal your brain sends to your stomach to tell you to stop eating, which indicates a hormonal imbalance of leptin and ghrelin (look it up). I'd just keep going until whatever was in front of me was gone. Oh, and there was always room for dessert or another drink. For some reason I'd make excuses for those things, telling myself they didn't count as food.

So when I learned that a single 5-oz. glass of my beloved red wine was worth 4 points, I nearly cried. How could the universe be so unfair? What have I done to myself? I mean, I'd been drinking two to three glasses almost every night! That's almost half my daily food allowance. I started to understand that the way I'd been living and treating my body was not only gluttonous but unhealthy, and I was in denial. It was time to stop kidding myself and finally take action. That was three weeks ago, and I've lost about 5 pounds. That may not sound like much to you, but I haven't seen the number on the scale this low in almost 3 years.

Weight Watchers calculates a points value for all foods and beverages based on their fat, carbs, fiber, and protein. You don't have to count calories, it's all factored in. I have been so surprised at the points values of some of the things I thought were harmless or "healthy." And some of those things may in fact be healthy, but not in the amounts I was consuming. Weight Watchers forces you to account for your portion sizes and meal choices. It encourages you to plan ahead, it gives you advice on situations where you might not have healthy options, and it has guidelines for "cheat" foods and scenarios. They assign you a points-plus value per day that is calculated by your height, weight, age, and weight loss goal. You stick to that amount of points per day, you lose weight. It's that simple. Put less food into your body, lose weight. It may sound mindless, but some people really need help with that, and I'm one of them.

The cool thing is that you also get an allowance - a weekly budget of "bonus" points - for situations where you're forced to cheat (happy hours, office parties, special occasions, or just drinks/dessert). Obviously you can't use all the allowance points every week or use them as excuses to eat bacon and fries every day, but they're there because we're human and things happen. Just to give you an idea, I'm currently on a 26-points-per-day diet with a weekly allowance of 49 bonus points. My first goal weight was set at 8 pounds below my starting weight and after I reach that, in a few more weeks, they'll reset my goal weight based on my progress and maybe even give me a higher points allowance.

Healthy weight loss is not rapid. Anywhere from a half pound to two pounds per week is healthy, depending on the individual. And they say that the slower you lose it, the longer you keep it off. In three weeks I've lost just shy of five pounds and I couldn't be more excited. You're only supposed to weigh yourself once a week, and every time I'm about to weigh in I get excited to see the surprise on the scale. I almost can't believe it's working because nothing else has - but I haven't actually changed my diet in a real way before.

Weight Watchers works even if you can't increase your physical activity. They don't set guidelines for how much you should work out, but they do encourage and reward exercise. You can enter points values for physical activity and if you're ever in a deficit of your points allowance, it'll take from your activity points to balance what you ate. Like I said, put less food in your body and you will lose weight. Weight Watchers re-teaches you how to eat. With 26 points per day I try to stick to 6 or 7 points per meal and leave room for snacks throughout the day. The first week was hard because I'm used to eating double or triple what I'm eating now, but it's surprisingly doable and manageable if you plan your choices accordingly.

For example, a vegetarian chicken patty is 4 points and string cheese is one point. Then I can have a yogurt or some cracker chips, or a brownie bar. When I went food shopping, it was actually fun to use the barcode scanner and Weight Watchers database to look for the brands and foods that I was used to eating and see how many points they were worth per serving. Some things I was pleasantly surprised with, others I put right back on the shelf. I bought foods that specifically lend themselves to eating fairly healthy but that are also filling enough to be satisfying in smaller portions. I even bought snacks and desserts that aren't too bad. Some of the Weight Watchers desserts are downright delicious :-)

Another thing is that you're allowed to eat all the fruits and veggies you want, as long as they're fresh or frozen and not cooked in oil, butter or fattening sauce. That definitely encourages you to eat fruits and vegetables with every meal, which are actually filling substitutes for chips or junk (albeit somewhat less satisfying, but there's always a degree of sacrifice). I snack on baby carrots or apple slices, I have a banana with breakfast, and I make lots of fresh vegetables with dinner now. Just by trying to stay within your points allowance you eat healthier automatically.

For foods that aren't in the database they have a calculator so that you can type in the information off the nutrition label. Common mistakes, such as serving sizes (2 servings in a can of soup), are easier to avoid using the Weight Watchers app. And it's so handy to be able to pull it up on your phone anytime. It forces me to be honest and accountable for everything I eat, which ensures an accurate measurement and result. And then every week when I weigh in and track my weight loss, I get an email patting me on the back and encouraging me to keep up the good work. You become your own coach and Weight Watchers becomes your cheerleader.

Maybe it's not for everybody, but it's something that I needed. I lack the discipline and knowledge to make the changes without help and this is the perfect amount of guidance for me because it teaches me and allows me to still be in control. It's amazing what you can do when you actually stick to a plan, and sometimes it's as simple as monitoring what you're eating. It's a lifelong change in habits and something I'm sure I'll use for a long time. It's not a gimmick, it's not hard to stick to, it's proven and it just takes some adjusting.

I'm still going to the gym as much as possible, which isn't always as often as I'd like, and I know that will only help me further along in my progress. I'm turning a new leaf and every small loss is a big win for me. I'm squashing that little voice inside that tells me I'm inadequate and that I'm not going to be able to change it. This is one way that I'm learning to love myself, and I am confident for the first time that I'm in control of my body and my body image issues. Losing the weight and the baggage along with it!

Oh, and dark chocolate is low in points, fyi ;-)

We All Need a Little Help Sometimes...

...and there's nothing wrong with that. 

Whether you get by with a little help from your friends, whether you turn to God/your faith, whether you seek the help of a professional or a support group, we all need a little help sometimes.  I think one of the most grown-up things I've done recently (besides actually dry cleaning clothes for the first time) is acknowledge that I need help, admit the things I need help with, and actually take the steps necessary towards asking for the help. 

Those of you who know me and/or read this regularly ("regularly" is kind of ironic considering how sporadically I actually write anymore) know that I'm Christian and believe in God.  Whether you believe in God or another religion, or maybe you just believe in a higher spiritual power, then surely you must know how it feels to pray.  And not just those prayers that you were taught to say every night before you go to sleep that kind of sound the same each time (the ones you actually doze off while praying and don't really finish).  I mean the deep, sincere prayers, the kind that come from going through hardships and needing something to cling to. 

I can't believe I never thought of this before, but I finally started a prayer journal.  It's strange to me that the idea never occurred to me, considering how much I love to write and use writing as my preferred means of communication.  My mind is so busy that it's hard to concentrate on prayer, even during the day, without getting sidetracked and interrupted by other thoughts.  Writing (typing) my prayers really helps me focus and hear the things I want to say.  Plus it's a good way to keep track of things that are going on in your life and to look back and remember what you were going through at any given point in time. 

The act of prayer is different for everyone, and it's personal, but I'm sure of one commonality upon which most would agree: that prayer is comforting.  So, thankfully, we can pray anytime.  And when we pray, we are kind of soliciting God's ear and his guidance.  We are usually directly asking Him for something (and hopefully always thanking Him for something).  But what about the times when unsolicited help just crosses your path in the most unexpected of ways? What about the times when God seems to literally answer your prayers before you've even prayed them and sends you a message of some sort to wake you up and tell you just what you need to hear?

That happened to me the other day.  I was leaving my office and was on my way somewhere, driving.  Out the passenger-side window I recognized someone on a street corner, someone I went to college with and hadn't seen in several years.  I was going too fast to stop and say anything, but I thought it was bizarre because he isn't from around here, and if even two more seconds had gone by I would've never known he was in town.  So later on that night I contacted him via Facebook and confirmed that it was him, and suggested that we have lunch while he's in town visiting.  We scheduled lunch for this past Thursday. 

In the meantime, a few things happened that were extremely tough.  I was dealing with my grandfather's sudden passing and the pain of not being able to travel to Louisiana to be with my family for the funeral, a couple of close friends experienced tragic losses (to protect their privacy I won't elaborate), and I also went through a very difficult couple of days emotionally, which included some relationship pitfalls and some personal struggles.  The week just felt so confusing and heavy, like I was being knocked backwards and held down. 

The night before lunch with my friend, I'd had one of the worst nights I've had in a long time.  The kind that are so ugly it hurts to even look back and reflect on them, but so prickly that they attach to your brain and won't let you forget.  I barely slept, and I was exhausted.  I thought about canceling lunch since I hadn't gotten much done early in the day, due to being tired and distracted, but I decided to go - I felt compelled to - it was too weird how we crossed paths in that moment after all these years with so many other factors pointing to us never seeing each other again. 

Now let me clarify: we weren't close friends or anything.  We weren't even in the same class.  As a matter of fact, our familiarity with each other could be considered inconsequential.  If I hadn't passed him on the street corner after work the other day, I might've never given thought to never seeing him again.  But running into each other despite the odds was just too uncanny to ignore.  So we met for lunch.  And what I anticipated would be small talk about what we've been doing for the past several years quickly turned into one of the most amazing, enlightening, miraculous conversations I've ever had.  It felt so surreal.  When he started telling me about things going on in his life and about his journey to overcome personal struggles, all of his words sounded like they were meant for me.  I felt like I was looking in the mirror.  I felt like someone had spied on me and sent him to deliver this message.  I felt like asking, "How did you know?"

The honesty and humility with which he told his story was absolutely refreshing, especially considering we're virtually strangers.  But it felt like we were meant to be in that moment.  I praised his maturity and growth and told him I admired his self-awareness.  So many people go through life, lost, in denial, not even knowing they're downward spiraling and making excuses for their own existence.  Here was someone who faced a series of trials and struggles, realized he had problems that he needed to fix before he lost everything or became seriously ill or hurt, sought the help necessary to start repairing what was broken, distanced himself from things that triggered problematic behavior, and began to heal, forgive, and be grateful for each day.  Talk about strength.  Think of all the people that blame the world for their issues, or who never even consider that they're part of the problem themselves?

I realize how vague this all sounds, I do.  But since I'm talking about a real person I can't in good conscience air his dirty laundry for the sake of my story.  I can tell you, however, that while I didn't identify directly with his specific set of problems, I very much related to the thinking behind them. It was like a light bulb went on, illuminating some mystery that really shouldn't have been a mystery at all. It was like wiping the dust off an old book and feeling like I was seeing it for the first time, except someone else was reading me the pages.  And I was stunned at how easily these words of hurt, progress, and recovery flowed from his mouth, as if he was grateful to be saying them.  I was left speechless at several moments in our conversation because, as I said previously, I felt like he was sent to deliver this message to me at exactly the time I needed it most.  Talk about a wakeup call.  And in the span of an hour, we parted ways.  I went back to my office and he went about his day.  He won't be staying in the area much longer and when he leaves, it's very unlikely that I'll ever see him again. My life was changed, I mean the fabric of it, from what I was feeling before we met to what I was feeling after, in just an hour.  And it came out of nowhere.  What if I had never recognized him or reached out to him?  It was like God and the universe wanted me to have that experience right then.

Everyone takes their own time responding to crisis.  Everyone takes their own time recognizing it even exists.  The journey is different for everyone, and for some, it never happens.  But for many, even in times when we catch a glimpse of a problem, we deny it, push it to the back of our minds, rationalize our way out of our own spotlight until we can think of another cause or something more significant to occupy that space, and we keep going.  We let the same problems (or detrimental thoughts or behaviors) recur again and again, confused as to why, as if we're walking through dense fog.  It can't be us, we think; blaming it on any number of outside factors and influences.  But yet, when we really stop and take a look around, when we're truly alone with ourselves and open to our thoughts, the answers appear, too bright to ignore.

For me, it's not a substance abuse problem or some dark secret I'm hiding.  I guess you could say I'm addicted to control. I try to control everything in my life, down to every word and interaction. But learning that you can't control everyone and everything, learning to relinquish control and surrender to what will be, that's hard. I like to think of it as a character flaw, or bad code. I realize that in so many situations I have forced my own agenda where it might not have been appropriate, where it might've caused damage. And it wasn't with ill intentions, I always meant well. But good intentions are wasted when the actions don't match, and usually they're mismatched because of lack of control. Which, of course, makes me crazy and compels me to fight even harder. That's a good word for it; a compulsion, compulsive behavior. 

Being able to own a situation that didn't turn out how you wanted it to and look at what you did to put yourself there, to open yourself up to that possibility. To think about why you couldn't carry out your intentions, without finding fault or placing blame solely on others and pointing the finger instead of turning inward. And then, forgiving yourself and moving on, with the will and knowledge to do better next time. That's hard. Maybe not for you, maybe not for a lot of people. But my friend taught me something else that felt like I was being pinpointed somehow - that responding and reacting are different. Sometimes when we think we're responding, we're reacting. Stopping yourself and verifying the way you feel, why, and the necessity of what you're about to say or do is essential to not over reacting and causing further damage. You always play a part in the problems you face. Small or large, it's not about blame, but you're part of the equation. And the second you realize you can't control or influence someone else to do or say what you think they should, you're better off. As my friend put it, all you can do is show up, do your best, and let the rest unfold. 

I'll openly tell you that my biggest problem is cyclical negative thinking, carried to an extreme where my thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions, and behaviors are all controlled by something that isn't even real.  A manifestation of what I imagine to be any combination of worst-case scenarios, all projected farther into the future than anyone can predict.  This mindset stems from a deep-seated fear of not being loved, not being good enough for anyone.  (Go ahead, laugh and mock me).  But really - somewhere along the line, unbeknownst to myself, I developed this fear and harbored it inside me, nurtured it, until it became this monster that consumes me and every last shred of self-esteem and positivity I've ever mustered.  It voids my redeeming qualities and can make me too miserable to even stomach myself. And while "negative thinking" may sound silly and inconsequential to those of you who have "real" problems, let me assure you that this is an affliction by which I could suffer many wounds if not for the insight and resolve I'm trying to gather. 

They say that fear and anger are two of the most toxic emotions.  They can destroy a person from the inside out, like a poison.  It wasn't until the other day that I realized, I mean wind-knocked-out-of-me realized, that my whole life is governed and controlled by my fears, which spawn worries and anxiety, which breed negative thinking, which dictates my behavior, and all of this creates so many problems that have been bewildering me for so many years.  I don't expect anyone to understand; I'm not going into a whole lot of detail, but it won't be until I seek help for this thought process that I can finally be happy and feel the weight be lifted.  Not to say that I think my wiring and circuitry will change, we're built the way we're built, but I can at least learn to understand myself, my triggers, and my patterns of behavior so that I can change my outlook and start to cope.  Start to forgive myself, start to forgive others, start to heal, start to lose the guilt and the pain I've been carrying around.  And most importantly, not lose myself or reach for other toxic things to use for filling that void. 

I feel like I've been shouldering the weight of the world for so long, and the other day when my friend was talking to me, it was like he was lifting it, word by word.  I realized it's ok to feel the way I do and that I'm enough.  I'm allowed to forgive myself.  I don't have to beat myself up and force myself to live in the wreckage of the past.  (Yes, more ambiguity - sorry.  I don't mean to keep dancing around the real meat of the story while only giving you the bones.  It's more detail than I'm comfortable with providing to an obscure audience.)  But that day, I was immediately grateful for everything - my problems, my awareness, the fact that I was open to receive the message I was handed.  Signed, sealed, delivered.  I came home and started my prayer journal, and just today I actually took another step towards my recovery by talking to someone, a professional.  Laugh if you wish; I'm grown-up. 

God works in mysterious ways.  He definitely hand-delivered a message to me through the vessel that is my friend, and from the story of my friend's struggles I was able to begin to recognize and feel my own pain that I'd been numb to.  There is an ongoing conflict happening inside of me - waging war on my mind and my heart, suffocating me and turning me ugly from the inside out.  I will now embark upon conquering that fire - and truly healing myself so that I may radiate positivity and happiness from this moment forward.  It starts with being grateful, being humble, and forgiving.  Life is too short to be anything but.

I am getting help. I am getting help letting go.  I am letting go. 

Don't Take For Granted...

Girl Power

Women, in general, are a self-deprecating species. Afraid to seek and demand both what we want and need, we often settle for one or the other, a less-than-ideal situation which leaves us unfulfilled, bitter, and resentful.

 

Now of course I'm not talking about all women, and I'm certainly not making a sweeping generalization of the entire gender. What I'm doing is making an observation from experiences with women I either know well or have come in contact with. It's also all over TV: women who suppress their true inner desires and feelings for what they believe is the benefit of someone else. Martyrdom. Women are far worse offenders than men and seem to be naturally susceptible to this impulse. Why?

 

I don't have all the answers, but I can make an educated guess or two. I'd say that the majority of self-sacrificing women are indirectly or subconsciously taught to be afraid of reaching for goals, actually attaining them, failing to attain them, and/or hurting someone else in the process (or someone perceiving them differently).

 

Many girlfriends, wives, mothers, and sisters are afraid that their drive to succeed and their pursuit of happiness will leave someone else high and dry, displeased, or inconvenienced through the displacement of time and energy that used to be devoted to another area (or person).  Others have been subliminally influenced to believe that they aren't qualified to achieve what they want, nor do they deserve it. And still others think to themselves that it's wrong to seek additional fulfillment when their basic needs are already met. So what if they're not nurturing their hearts and souls, their situation accounts for most of their human necessities, so they should be grateful, right?

 

Wrong.  Many women procrastinate or refrain altogether from setting out to make change in their lives, or to recognize a catalyst for change. Some who do notice an opportunity seem to ignore it as a way of punishing themselves, sort of like catharsis, as if ceaseless sacrificing makes them a better person and therefore comforts or reassures them.  They become the charitable, selfless giver, the person everyone takes from.  Then they ignore that empty feeling that comes from the void they've perpetuated through failure to self-nurture. Always putting oneself last can take its toll on a person.

 

This is such a detrimental perspective these days, and there are many factors (environmental, media-related, family upbringing, male influence, psychological, demographic, etc.) to blame. I'm glad to see what seems like a renaissance happening where more women are getting out there and taking charge of their lives and filling them with all that they want, and it's nice to see the media somewhat promoting this through advertisements for universities and various professional fields. But what about what's beyond professional and educational betterment of self? What about recreational, spiritual, creative, romantic, physical, and otherwise?

 

The purpose of this post is to recognize and be grateful for all of the women in my life and networks who are positive influences on me. I am related to, friends with, have learned from, have been mentored by, and have interacted with some really strong, incredible women who, at some point in their lives, figured this all out and are living examples of how to not be one of these empty victims of self-sacrifice.  These women, all of whom I consider close to me, either have had it right all along or have experienced some kind of turning point where enough was enough, propelling them towards a new kind of inner strength and determination.

 

I feel extremely lucky and blessed to share my life with these women, who nurture me and teach me that yes, I can strive for everything I need and want, that I don't have to settle, and that it's not wrong to make requests or changes if that's what's necessary to be happier and become a better version of myself. These women understand that it is not selfish to take care of yourself, to make yourself happy, or to put your own needs first - and sometimes at the expense of a task or commitment being postponed, adjusted, or renegotiated.

 

I'm one of the women who finds myself procrastinating at times and not knowing why, until I realize that there's something about my goal that scares me. I'm one of those women who sometimes feels guilty asking for things that will improve my situation in some way even if they might not seem "necessary" or "important" at the moment. And I'm one of the women who are learning to make the most important change of all, the change to this mindset.

 

We are entitled to happiness. We do deserve to control and shape our own lives. After all, we're the ones who have to live them. We can work towards all of our goals and make ourselves qualified for anything. We should not feel guilty about wanting more fulfillment and feeding our hearts and souls, not just handling our responsibilities and catering to others.

 

I'm so glad to know the women I call moms, aunts, sisters, friends, cousins, teachers, mentors, and colleagues.  I thank them and hope that they recognize just how special they are, and I hope that someday I can inspire someone in the same way.

 

 

Noise

Surely there must be a name for this syndrome with which I have diagnosed myself that leaves me feeling like my head is always full of noise.  Buzzing, whirring, spinning, echoing, ceaseless noise.  It's like I am not the gatekeeper to my thought factory and I do not have the remote control for the  intensity, repetition, frequency, degree of annoying-ness or volume (haha, get it? volume vs. volume? let me know if you need help with that one).

Let me try to put this into words as best I can: say you have five or ten thoughts in your head at the present moment.  And they're all rolling around as you juggle the concepts and processes that are spurred by each.  Whenever you start to think more in-depth about thought A, thought B chimes in and interrupts loudly.  Then thought A has to start over from the beginning.  Meanwhile, thoughts C, D, and subsequent others are all rotating mildly in the background so that you don't forget they're there.  All this comes with corresponding mnemonic devices and acronyms and jingles to help you remember everything. 

So let's say you're singing the alphabet in your head, but you're also thinking about your upcoming doctor's appointment, what to pack for your lunch tomorrow, which restaurant to call for dinner reservations, and where to stop on the way home for milk.  Your thought process might go something like this: ABCDEFG....doctor Tuesday...turkey & cheese, Bonefish Grill, ShopRite.  Maybe then you narrow it down to smaller bits and pieces of those phrases and mentally scroll through them like a carousel.  But then, the second you start to think about what else to pack with that turkey & cheese and whether you're going to make it before or after doing the dinner dishes and whether or not there's honey mustard in the fridge and how much bread you have left, all of a sudden you hear ABCDEFG...!!!! very aggressively, and then you have to start having the turkey & cheese conversation again, and probably somewhat audibly. 

And while you're speaking to the host at Bonefish Grill you get tongue-tied as you attempt to communicate your desire to make a reservation for two at 8 pm because you're still thinking about turkey & cheese at 10 pm and ABCDEFG!!!!! Thoughts can be so rude and wreak so much havoc.  Talk about unnecessary anxiety.  But I'm convinced this isn't an anxiety disorder, nor do I have a slacking mind.  But maybe I should do some brain exercises, if there are such things; not the kinds that flex your intelligence and memory muscles, but the kind that help you actually find that remote control so that you can switch your brain to the OFF position or at least tell it to SHUT UP!!!

Songs are the worst, too.  The second the lights go out there's always some song prancing and cavorting through my mind, and I always remember every single word and chord, so of course there's no peace until the song runs through to completion at least 75 times! If you try to stop in the middle, your nagging, annoying mind comes down with a case of OCD and reminds you that you can't end a song in the middle of a verse! And if I try to focus on my breathing, that annoys me too because there's always that slight nose whistle or throat dryness or sinus rattle.  If I try to really relax and feel my spine and limbs sink into the mattress and just think "Ahhhhh...." the song quiets down for a second before it crescendos again.  If I say to my brain "SHHHHH!!!! Shut up! You need to sleep!" that just makes it worse.  It's like it's mocking me, saying "You're not the boss of me!" All this while watching the clock tick away. 

Oh, what do I do? I can't always rely on sleep aids just because I can't find any internal peace and quiet.  The "noise" isn't even from things I'm stressed about, usually; rather, inane worthless thoughts that leave me wondering "how much room in my brain is consumed by these trivial curiosities and all these song lyrics?" Where can people dispose of their excessive, unwanted thoughts and why do they get louder when you don't need them? Can I make more space in my brain somehow? What kind of specialist would one even seek for a problem like this? It doesn't sound worthy of a psychologist, psychiatrist or even a general practitioner to me.  Zen guru? Meditation expert?

Somebody please tell me how to find my remote control.  My puffy eyes and exhausted brain thank you in advance.

Out of Darkness Something Beautiful Blossoms

Have you ever journeyed into the depths of your pain and cried with your entire being? I mean with every last cell and molecule, hurling your heavy sadness into the air and hearing the echo of your emptiness as you howl and gasp for breath. Have you ever found yourself tangled in the emotional wreckage, utterly twisted and crumpled and broken like the gnarled, fractured metal skeleton of a car crash, a hollow shell of yourself, unable to pick your retching body up off the floor?

This is a monster. Love, life, loss, pain, tragedy, whichever face it's wearing when it comes to get you. But I'm talking about love. Jaw-clenching, soul-baring, gut-wrenching, painful, real love; complete with red-rimmed, bloodshot eyes, splitting head, and churning insides. That resounding desolation where no one can hear your violent sobs, that chasm of aloneness that you spiral into - that's where love goes when it breaks. And if you can't let go, it takes you with it, dragging you precipitously over the jagged cliffs of the abysmal pit before you get swallowed whole by the fiery hell and succumb to the burning as the walls cave in around you.

After you feel like you've expelled your innards and cried every last tear and diced up what's left of your heart, as you look up from your spot on the ground waiting for the skies to open and bathe you in fresh rain to wash away your salty teardrops, you realize it's still not over.

When you open your puffy eyes and try to stand on your weakened, shaky legs you fall down again, tumble, collapse into a pathetic heap. You try to think, imagine, plan your next steps; rebuild, regroup, recover. But as your temples throb and your body aches from all the heaving, you curl yourself up into a ball and clutch empty air inside your fists because that's all your shattered psyche can handle.

You don't know how it got this way or if it can be fixed - sewn, stitched, glued, bandaged, repainted, rebuilt, reassembled; you just know it has to be different, right now, one way or another. It is in these times and these dark places that our true strength is tested. Our resolve, our will, and our faith are tried. It's not a question of how long it takes to recover, or in what way we self-medicate or lick our wounds, rather how we choose to carry on and what new reality we cling to.

From the blackest, most charred and barren spirits who despair in their shattered dreams, hope springs. From the longest nightmares and the deepest cuts, something beautiful blossoms. Maybe it's a second chance, a rebirth of an existence that fell off track. Maybe it's a fresh start, a new beginning, a breath of life to revive a dream, a soul, a heart.

The road to recovery is usually long. Whether it's long and winding, slow and steady, or more crisply focused than you've ever seen; use that clarity, use that strength, use that steadfast determination and turn them into golden bits of inspiration to climb that mountain, turn that corner in your soul, become stronger than ever before, and surprise yourself when you're able to look back over your shoulder at everything you've put behind you and say "I did it."

Don't grow cold, don't wall off your heart. Put miles under your feet or your wheels if you must; but don't be afraid to dig your heels into the ground if that's what you're being called to do. Close the door to the past if you must, and start opening some new ones if that's what your heart needs. Or hold someone tighter and with more intensity than you've ever held them before. Tell them you're not letting go.

Believe in second chances - they just might be life-savers. Trust your gut and listen to your heart.  Flee or put roots down.  Fly, flourish, conquer. But don't go rushing to decide right away: let your wounds heal; pick yourself up and dust yourself off, because there's more in store for you.

And I hope it's beautiful.  

What it Takes

• It takes strength:  I'm not talking about the kind of strength you get by lifting weights - I mean the kind of strength that's on the inside.  The strength of your heart, your mind, and soul.  The kind of strength you get from facing the rough times, conquering them, and coming through on the other side a better, smarter person.  That's the kind of strength to be really proud of.
• It takes heart:  You have to care enough and have enough courage, not only to make it in this world, but to make your life everything you want it to be. 
• It takes determination: No matter what curveballs get thrown your way, no matter how daunting the challenge, you have to decide to do whatever it takes to make the outcome favorable.  You are responsible for knowing what's best for you and going out there to get it.
• It takes confidence: We're not all born with an unwavering belief in ourselves, but "the journey of a lifetime starts with a single step." Never tell yourself you can't do something.  You'll be so surprised how liberating it is to look back on a situation you never thought you'd survive and be able to say "I did it." When you don't give yourself the choice to fail, you won't.  When you make overcoming the only option, you will.
• It takes love: Loving yourself enough to be honest about what you want, what you need, and what's working or not working in your life is paramount to the ability to improve your situation.  Don't ever tell yourself you don't deserve what you want.  Don't ever make yourself a victim of circumstance.  There is a season for everything, and with new seasons come winds of change.  Evaluate which chapters in your life must end and set your sights on new beginnings. 
• It takes faith: You might not be able to predict your future, but you should believe in it anyway.  You can set your course and forge your own path.  You can change directions.  You can reach far-off goals.  You can start over.  If you think it's too late, if you think you're defeated, shame on you.  You don't have to know how, you just have to know that you can.
• It takes respect: Respect for yourself and the world around you is crucial to living well.  Respect yourself enough to know and convey that you have governance of all conditions in your life.  Respect others enough to build more bridges than you burn, to walk away from conditions that don't suit your purpose, and to avoid conflict that does not serve the greater good of which you are in pursuit. And respect the world around you enough to leave everything a little better than you found it.  Make your mark, but make it a good one.
• It takes purpose: Having goals is one thing, but you have to be willing to plot the course and sketch the road map of how to get there.  But do it in pencil - allow yourself room to change course if life calls you elsewhere - but never stop moving.
• It takes reflection: Soul searching isn't easy for everyone.  It can be painful and reveal things we don't wish to see or have been trying to ignore.  But the most refreshing soul searching happens in the face of change you've been resisting or struggles you've been facing.  So often we just "go through the motions" and accept whatever hand we're dealt.  When we look in the mirror and really try to understand how we feel and why, explain our actions and reactions, and identify the positive and negative components of our lives, it becomes easier to decide what stays and what goes, when to "take out the trash," what starts with you, and what ends today.
• It takes guts: "Guts" - having the kind of spirit to go out and grab life by the horns in any little way.  This could mean stepping out of your comfort zone, being assertive, taking charge, pursuing what you want, making something happen.  If you're scared and if you're satisfied with the status quo, ask yourself why and then challenge yourself to change that. 
• It takes perseverance: "Don't put off 'til tomorrow what you can do today." "Yesterday you said tomorrow." "When the going gets tough..." - how would you finish that sentence? Don't be the person who looks back on their past and kicks yourself for not trying things, letting opportunities pass you by, or lazily awaiting the future that drifted beyond your grasp because you didn't put forth the effort to obtain it.
• It takes moderation: Know your limits.  Do all you can, but don't overstep your boundaries.  Some can take a little, some can take a lot, but baby steps are better than leaps and bounds if those large strides are going to push you over the edge.  The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it, so pursue your goals wisely, and pace yourself.
• It takes forgiveness: We all mess up.  All the time.  And usually, when everything seems to be going our way and we're getting along nicely, something blindsides us out of nowhere and trips us up.  The way we handle the bumps in the road is up to us, but if we don't forgive ourselves when we falter, we risk repeating the past and falling into a pattern of self-loathing.  Forgiveness of others is also essential to moving forward.  Let go of those grudges, make peace with your scars, and write a letter to your former self and your future self to tuck away somewhere as a reminder of how to get through the hard times.
• It takes balance: If you have 1,000 goals, all of a different nature, you're going to have to pick a starting point and identify the best way to achieve your goals at a reasonable pace.  You can't work three jobs, record an album, start your own side business, free-lance, handle all your home and personal responsibilities, and also eat, sleep and breathe simultaneously.  Going back to moderation, pick a couple of things that you think you can reasonably start working on together. Set your pace, and don't set the bar too high or push yourself to be done everything at once.  Be realistic in your expectations of yourself, and celebrate the little victories more than you mourn the minor setbacks. And for heaven's sake, don't beat yourself up if you need to take a break.  Whether it's a diet or a hectic schedule - sometimes half a pizza, a carton of ice cream, and a day on the couch are just what your soul needs! Just plan to go even harder after you feel rejuvenated and rested and don't be tempted to make those little "breaks" your norm.
• It takes humility: There's nothing wrong with a pat on the back and a little pride when you've accomplished something.  But always knowing that you're blessed and that you had help is crucial to keeping your feet on the ground, even if your head is in the clouds.  And don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.  There will come a time when you can pay it forward and return the favor.
• It takes positivity: No matter what, keep telling yourself "it will get better." When you're down, there's nowhere to go but up.  Tell yourself you can do it, you can beat it, you can change it, you can fix it, and you can begin or end.  And most importantly, tell yourself that you call the shots.  It's your life - you can choose the things and people with which/whom you surround yourself.  You can alter your environment.  And if that means changing your circumstances, you can do that too.  The biggest mountains we climb are the ones we climb in our heads.  Don't even think, just know you can - and then do.

Inquiring Minds Want to Know...

I have what I'd like to call an over-active mind.  I'm not just referring to my imagination, either (though perhaps one day I'll post about that in greater detail, it's quite vivid in sometimes scary ways).  I'm overly curious and inquisitive about anything and everything.  Sometimes I'll find myself wondering about the most random things while I'm driving or walking or eating.  I just thought I'd share some of them to see if other people can relate (or if you all just think I'm crazy).

I've always been mystified by the ocean.  So the other day when I was on a boat, cruising over the waves and looking out at what appeared to be a massive expanse that holds its own shape, with peaks and valleys and smooth surfaces and frothy surfaces and god-knows-what swimming around underneath it all, I started thinking about units of measurement and just how someone would quantify that immense a body of water in both distance and depth.  I understand I could probably have just googled it, but I was on a boat.  And then I forgot.  And when the moment passes, the object of your curiosity is rarely as important to actually research a few days later.  But, almost as if to remind me, I heard a radio commercial a couple of days after this boat ride and it said "there are over 358 million trillion gallons of water on earth."  So how did they come up with that number, I wonder?

Moving on...I drive into the city every day.  When I see the trash trucks and the public works employees and all the solar trash cans and think of the thousands of actual trashcans and bags that must be emptied and collected every day, I wonder where it all goes.  Obviously to a local dump or landfill, but since different neighborhoods have different trash days, do they all have their own landfills? Does the trash go somewhere else to get sorted before it goes to the landfill (like to a waste management facility)? Kind of like how mail goes to the post office first instead of directly to our houses from the sender? And what about the ripped bags and bags full of glass? Do trashmen ever get hurt by our careless disposal of sharp and broken objects? What about when trash is so heavy it breaks the bag because the resident didn't double-bag it?  Do the trashmen have to rebag it? Is that one of the reasons they make good money (besides just dealing with smelly trash all day and riding around in an ugly truck in an ugly outfit stopping every five seconds)?

And what about the sewer systems? All the manholes in the city and all the sewer grates; think about it.  I know they're not all sewer - some have to be electric or other kinds of wires, but whatever.  When you think of streets as arteries running into the hearts of living, breathing cities, those massive underground networks become less invisible, and kind of creepy.  Who goes down there? When? How often? To do what? Or is it ignored? Other than the subways, do you ever wonder what else is going on underneath you? Or if you're in, say, the 11th Street subway, do you ever wonder what's going on underground just a couple of blocks away from you and what's behind those subway walls? Can you get a map of the underground tunnels of a city (not the Septa map, like a sewer system map), or is there secret, classified stuff that happens down there? Like a whole creepy underworld?

Then I heard a Peco commercial.  At least I think it was Peco.  Someone talking about hauling away your old energy-guzzling refrigerator and paying you $35 for it.  Anyway, where do they take the refrigerators? Back to their warehouses? Or are there special refrigerator dumps (I'm picturing a mountain of refrigerators sitting somewhere).  Or do they go to regular dumps? Surely they can't all be recycled for parts, right?  What about the really old ones? Same with unused electronics.  You always see cell phone drop-offs and camera/computer recycling, but where do they go? Who's sitting in some lab taking them all apart? And is the content always really "wiped" or "destroyed," or is someone secretly hacking into hard drives and memory cards and viewing all of our information?

What about food permits? Who has to have them (do restaurants even have to have them, or street vendors, concert venues?) Are there different permits for different types of food and if so, do they vary in cost (are seafood permits more expensive?) Is restaurant insurance expensive? Does it cover everything? How many times does a restaurant have to get complaints, receive bad reviews, be found in violation of food safety laws, and get unsatisfactory cleanliness inspections before it gets shut down? What about all these places you see sporadically on the news about food courts with mouse feces and other vermin, uncovered containers, mold? Chemicals in food, hazardous particles in ice dispensers? We only see a couple here and there - think how many of those places must exist!

Or what about chemicals and drug names?  First let's start with chemicals.  Check this picture out:




How 'bout the "linoleamidopropyl PG-dimonium chloride phosphate"? What the heck is that? Why are all these fancy names needed for soap/cleanser ingredients?  Who the heck is naming these chemicals? Or even the pharmaceutical commercials: Humira, aka adalimumab, is a drug used to treat rheumatoid arthritis.  I can't even pronounce adalimumab.  Who came up with that? How was that made?  I'm sure the little packet or even the website could tell you, but I don't have that much time.  Who came up with Humira? What's that supposed to mean? It doesn't sound at all similar to adalimumab.  Isn't it a scary world?  And what about all the side effects of all these drugs?  Bodies aren't mean to have drugs pumped into them, so naturally when you treat one thing you harm another.  But I wonder if it's possible to ever manufacture drugs without side effects (or with far fewer side effects), or if it's all a big scheme by the pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies and health care networks to get more money out of patients.  How sick would that be? Keep everyone sicker under the guise of getting them better.  Line our pockets.  Hmm...

Totally switching gears on you now (are you exhausted yet?) and moving on to song lyrics.  Every time I hear a great song I wonder how the songwriter came up with the inspiration.  Not all songs are really about their alleged subject.  Sometimes the people in these songs don't even exist.  So was it a string of words that popped into someone's head and then a whole song was built around that, rhyming structure, melody, chord progression, etc.?  Or did someone different write the lyrics and the melody? And in some cases, is someone else entirely different from either of the songwriters the one actually singing the song?  And how many songs exist about women and how many songs exist about men? And how many songs exist with the word "love" in the title? Are there musical statisticians sitting in a room somewhere collecting data and putting it into song databases for people like me who wonder these things? I googled my "love" title question and couldn't find even an approximate answer.  One guy Mike has a blog where he shared that he has 1,189 songs with the word "love" in the title in just his iTunes collection alone.  SO fascinating. 

Then sometimes when I see babies (or hear babies or smell babies) I think about the actual act of a human gestating and giving birth to a real live baby, like the rest of our mammalian friends do.  And then I compare our species to animals.  And then I think it's gross (sorry guys, don't mean to offend anyone, I'm just not interested in actually having a baby).  And then I wonder why we have to have little cellular eggs and little micro tadpole sperm and why we have to get all big and alien-like and carry something around for 9 months - why can't we just lay eggs like reptiles and birds do and incubate them until they hatch? Wouldn't that be cool, to lay an egg much smaller than the size of a newborn, nurture it for several weeks, and then watch a baby hatch out? Then none of that stuff would have to happen to your body and overall it would just be a much less unpleasant experience.  Plus you wouldn't be like, "Sorry guys, I can't go out, I'm pregnant." You'd just be like, "Hey wait, let me get a sitter for this egg and I'll meet you there!" 

In case you're laughing hysterically (and hopefully not grimacing in disgust), I have plenty more material.  These are only a handful of thoughts that float through my brain in any given 30-minute period.  Is that normal or do I have some form of A.D.D.?  It's literally hard to stop myself right now.  I was on a roll and I have hundreds more things I wonder about constantly.  All this while I'm going about my day-to-day routine and actually thinking about real stuff, like working out and my grocery list (oh yeah, that reminds me, is everything at Trader Joe's made at some colorful, happy factory? Do you think all the workers in all the stores hum and ring bells and sing?) Sorry - there goes my brain again.  I just can't shut it off, like ever!

Please tell me I'm not the only one like this. For the love of God.  Humor me, someone!

Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign

Yes, I'm singing the song by Canadian group Five Man Electrical Band. I tend to sing most things that remind me of a song.  Like the fact that I believe there are signs everywhere.  Yep, I'm one of those people, the kind that logical, intellectual people shake their heads and scoff at.  If you're one of them, you should probably stop reading, because everything I'm about to say is likely to annoy you.

But it's true, I really do think the universe speaks to us through signs and signals that are meant for us to see and witness.  Whether we're more attuned and perceptive to certain things because they're embedded in our subconscious or whether we create these signs and see what we want to, I still interpret it as an uncanny occurrence and a gift from the cosmos. 

Like anything, I'm sure there's a logical explanation, and it may even include one of the points I said in the previous paragraph.  But I don't really care about defining the phenomenon, I'm more interested in exploring the possibilities of the various interpretations of the signs I see and the effects they may or may not have on my life. 

We ignore signs all the time, don't we?  So-called red flags and warning signs that tell us to stay away from someone or something, a particular situation.  Maybe you call that intuition, but when intuition fails us or when we go against our gut feeling against our better judgment, in hindsight we always say we "ignored the signs." Or when you find yourself in a situation (whether it's confusing, difficult, intriguing, life-changing, etc.) and you're contemplating what to do, sometimes a "sign" will appear that feels like a message meant to help you weigh the very side of your decision that you think it represents. 

I am a decisive person by nature.  I think something through, analyzing all sides, and make my move when I've drawn the conclusion that one side is better for me than the other.  Sometimes I'm decisive to a fault, acting too quickly; you might even be able to call me hasty at times.  But I usually feel strongly about something and even in instances where I've looked back and thought to myself "I could've handled that better," or "I could've waited a little longer," my initial feeling and decision are usually no different. 

Other times though, when I'm going through difficult times in my life or when I'm faced with choices that are multi-faceted and will leave me with multiple decisions that might affect my life on a deeper level, I'm like the horse in The Neverending Story that gets stuck in the swamp and dies - I just can't move.  I waffle back and forth between decisions, going round and round in circles in my head, never getting any closer to a decision because it's either too painful or I come up with a reason to stop thinking about it until I'm in a better state of mind. 

I perceive this quality as a weakness of mine, and I wonder if anyone else shares this experience and feels the same way.  It's the worst feeling to be stuck in this state and to see signs everywhere that point to the decision you don't want to make, the thing you know deep down that you should do, but can't bring yourself to do quite yet.  I always think "maybe after I try this," or "maybe not until that," and sometimes I really feel as though I can solve whatever dilemma I'm having and avoid the decision altogether.  But am I just postponing the inevitable? I can't bear the thought of making a hasty decision regarding any serious part of my life, but some decisions are months - maybe even years in the making.  What's my problem? I have an innate sense of guilt because of this; I feel like I'm failing, drowning, not moving forward, holding myself back.  I struggle with thoughts that I should blame myself for being lazy and push myself towards a decision, but hey, if you're not ready you're just not ready.

Sorry to be vague, but right now there are a handful of things in my life that are troubling me and that aren't all that simple.  Yes, I'll be one of the first to say "it's never as hard as it seems, you're just too close to it, just back away and give yourself some space and then make the changes you need to make.  Boom."  But it's not "just like that." I'm perplexed, I'm struggling with emotional attachment, I'm invested, I'm trying to be responsible and mature, I'm trying to be a good person, I'm trying to do what's best for me but still tolerate the things that may not be best for me, and I'm trying to achieve balance while I juggle all these pending, tentative, incomplete thoughts and decisions that weigh on my mind and heart every hour of every day.  Talk about exhausting. 

Maybe right now I am ignoring some signs.  From things I read and notice, to things people say directly to me.  Things that actually happen or don't happen - not little figments of my imagination that I'm creating to subconsciously sway myself towards a belief that is convenient or comfortable for me.  It's not like when people get caught in a lie or don't know what they're talking about so they make up supporting facts to dig themselves deeper into whatever falsehood they've created, more or less trying to convince themselves rather than their audience. 

There's got to be a word for that.  I don't know what it is, but sometimes when people get embarrassed or feel guilty they craft these elaborate scenarios in their minds that they actually decide to believe so they don't feel like they're lying or incorrect or whatever.  Yea, this isn't like that.  When I see one of these "signs" I acknowledge it, absorb it, sometimes write it down if it's significant enough to remember and think about later, and then I continue on my path knowing that it will be there as a morsel of supporting material for my decision when I'm ready to make it, but that at the present moment I am tucking it away for safekeeping. 

I'm all for transparency and disclosure, and normally I'm not so vague.  Some of you reading this know me quite well, others only casually, still others maybe not at all.  Please keep your inklings to yourself, even if some of them might be accurate, and I promise I'll refer back to this post at a later date when any of these situations have been resolved and then I'll fill you in.  Stay tuned. 

To Some People That's Beautiful

I want to sing and dance
Every now and then I can be reckless and wild
I get a little emotional sometimes
But it's beautiful

I give everything I've got
I keep going until there's nothing left
I lay my soul bare and keep coming back for more
But it's beautiful

I'm particular, I think too much
I'm organized, I'm a mess
I'm loyal to a fault
But it's beautiful

I don't trust easily, I'm wary
I'm haunted by things that have happened and things that haven't yet
But I dive right in without heeding my own warnings
And it's beautiful

I'm not perfect, but I'm far from ordinary
I can't be pinned or stifled
My spirit is something special
And that's beautiful

I can be silly, I can be sappy
I can be way too serious sometimes
I overcompensate and I like to earn love
But you know what? It's beautiful

I've got a bright side and a dark side
At my best I glow and radiate
At my worst I withdraw and give in
But it's beautiful

I over extend myself
If you have my love there's almost nothing I wouldn't do for you
I can be like sweet sunshine in the morning
And that's beautiful

I'm a wanderer, I love living
I don't always know where I'm going or what I'm doing
I have a big heart and I'm not afraid to use it
And that's beautiful.

_________________________________________________________________

The point of these ramblings tonight is that all of us are special and wonderful in our own unique ways.  Some of us choose to let our loveable side show while some of us hide it away.  I've been seeing dozens of posts on Facebook and Instagram in the past couple of weeks that are lovey-dovey, cutesy, and romantic.  A girl being swept up in a man's arms, dipped for a kiss on the cheek; a girl being brought breakfast in bed; a girl publicly recognizing and appreciating her boyfriend and how hard he works; another girl describing how wonderfully thoughtful her boyfriend is and how a small gesture from him made her day; a guy announcing that he has the best girlfriend ever because of how well she takes care of him; another guy proclaiming proudly how much he loves his fiancée; a couple posting pictures of themselves holding hands and kissing...

Of course, there are always going to be unhappy posts, stories of endings and betrayal, regrets and poor decisions.  And I'm not one of the people who hates reading about any of these things (or the happy ones).  I see a lot of folks complaining like "keep that stuff to yourself, it makes me want to throw up, no one cares about how in love you are, get a room," or "stop airing your dirty laundry online, if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all, I'm so sick of scrolling through my news feed and reading about everyone's most recent drama or heartache..."

To those people I say delete the ones who are annoying you then.  That's what social media is for - it's a forum to publicly express and share anything you want.  Some people have a natural tendency to share more when they're happy; others are more inclined to share when they're depressed.  If you feel the need to criticize what someone is sharing then maybe there's something going on (or not going on) in your life.  If you don't like it, don't read it, or unfriend them, simple as that.

Everyone has a right to their feelings and the expression of those feelings.  If they choose to use social media as an outlet then so be it, that's their prerogative.  But I for one, enjoy reading and seeing what my "friends" are experiencing.  It reminds me that there's so much in life that goes on, that could go on, that we miss.  If you're one of those lucky girls whose boyfriend publicly proclaims his love for you and regularly tells you how great you are and expresses affection in a public way, then by all means, brag about it.  And hold onto that.  And cherish it, because it's something not every girl has, even though it's something that we all have a right to feel.  I'm happy for any and all of you and I support that you feel happy enough to share it with everyone. 

And if you're one of the ones who's upset and something bad happened to you recently, hold on, because this too shall pass, and if it makes you feel better to share and if someone connects to you and is there for you, then that's great.  And hopefully by reading other people's happy posts you'll feel optimistic that your outlook can change for the better. 

We all are exquisite creatures.  Every girl (and guy) deserves someone who is going to make her feel that way.  Someone who is going to love her for who she really is - all the things that make her her - maybe even if some of those things are not so nice.  Someone who will admire and embrace the characteristics that she possesses, the things she accomplishes, the good deeds she performs.  Someone who will let her know how she enriches his life and brightens his day.  Someone who makes her feel like he knows what he has and doesn't want to lose it and will do whatever it takes to keep her by his side.  Someone who knows her better than she knows herself and who is her biggest supporter, fan, and best friend.  Deep down, don't most of us want that? Yea, I want someone who's going to make a big deal over me once in a while.  So what? I am a big deal.  Is it asking too much?

If you have that, I'm happy for you.  If you don't, you can, and if you never stop searching, one day you will.  Don't sell yourself short, don't settle for less than you deserve, don't trap yourself into thinking you have a "type" or a standard that is impossible to meet.  We all deserve to be loved as much as we love.  Allow those who can deliver that feeling a glimpse into your soul.  Let that wall come down and forget your fear for long enough to test the waters and see if anything is there. 

When people praise you, compliment you, and sincerely offer you a gleaming opinion of yourself from their perspective, accept it with grace and let it linger.  Reflect on it.  Ask yourself if you see the things about yourself that they see.  Then ask yourself if others in your life see the same things.  If the people you spend the most time with don't see the best in you and bring out the best in you, maybe they're dulling your shine.  You shouldn't have to try to get someone to recognize you for who you are.  You shouldn't have to try to give someone the feeling that they crave being around you and that they're just magnetically drawn to you.  You shouldn't have to try to get someone to think you're awesome, to love you to the moon and back, to sing your praises, to compliment and thank more than they criticize and doubt, and to respect you and cherish you like the treasure that you are. 

That should all come naturally.  Every girl (and guy) deserves that.  We all deserve that.