But it's true, I really do think the universe speaks to us through signs and signals that are meant for us to see and witness. Whether we're more attuned and perceptive to certain things because they're embedded in our subconscious or whether we create these signs and see what we want to, I still interpret it as an uncanny occurrence and a gift from the cosmos.
Like anything, I'm sure there's a logical explanation, and it may even include one of the points I said in the previous paragraph. But I don't really care about defining the phenomenon, I'm more interested in exploring the possibilities of the various interpretations of the signs I see and the effects they may or may not have on my life.
We ignore signs all the time, don't we? So-called red flags and warning signs that tell us to stay away from someone or something, a particular situation. Maybe you call that intuition, but when intuition fails us or when we go against our gut feeling against our better judgment, in hindsight we always say we "ignored the signs." Or when you find yourself in a situation (whether it's confusing, difficult, intriguing, life-changing, etc.) and you're contemplating what to do, sometimes a "sign" will appear that feels like a message meant to help you weigh the very side of your decision that you think it represents.
I am a decisive person by nature. I think something through, analyzing all sides, and make my move when I've drawn the conclusion that one side is better for me than the other. Sometimes I'm decisive to a fault, acting too quickly; you might even be able to call me hasty at times. But I usually feel strongly about something and even in instances where I've looked back and thought to myself "I could've handled that better," or "I could've waited a little longer," my initial feeling and decision are usually no different.
Other times though, when I'm going through difficult times in my life or when I'm faced with choices that are multi-faceted and will leave me with multiple decisions that might affect my life on a deeper level, I'm like the horse in The Neverending Story that gets stuck in the swamp and dies - I just can't move. I waffle back and forth between decisions, going round and round in circles in my head, never getting any closer to a decision because it's either too painful or I come up with a reason to stop thinking about it until I'm in a better state of mind.
I perceive this quality as a weakness of mine, and I wonder if anyone else shares this experience and feels the same way. It's the worst feeling to be stuck in this state and to see signs everywhere that point to the decision you don't want to make, the thing you know deep down that you should do, but can't bring yourself to do quite yet. I always think "maybe after I try this," or "maybe not until that," and sometimes I really feel as though I can solve whatever dilemma I'm having and avoid the decision altogether. But am I just postponing the inevitable? I can't bear the thought of making a hasty decision regarding any serious part of my life, but some decisions are months - maybe even years in the making. What's my problem? I have an innate sense of guilt because of this; I feel like I'm failing, drowning, not moving forward, holding myself back. I struggle with thoughts that I should blame myself for being lazy and push myself towards a decision, but hey, if you're not ready you're just not ready.
Sorry to be vague, but right now there are a handful of things in my life that are troubling me and that aren't all that simple. Yes, I'll be one of the first to say "it's never as hard as it seems, you're just too close to it, just back away and give yourself some space and then make the changes you need to make. Boom." But it's not "just like that." I'm perplexed, I'm struggling with emotional attachment, I'm invested, I'm trying to be responsible and mature, I'm trying to be a good person, I'm trying to do what's best for me but still tolerate the things that may not be best for me, and I'm trying to achieve balance while I juggle all these pending, tentative, incomplete thoughts and decisions that weigh on my mind and heart every hour of every day. Talk about exhausting.
Maybe right now I am ignoring some signs. From things I read and notice, to things people say directly to me. Things that actually happen or don't happen - not little figments of my imagination that I'm creating to subconsciously sway myself towards a belief that is convenient or comfortable for me. It's not like when people get caught in a lie or don't know what they're talking about so they make up supporting facts to dig themselves deeper into whatever falsehood they've created, more or less trying to convince themselves rather than their audience.
There's got to be a word for that. I don't know what it is, but sometimes when people get embarrassed or feel guilty they craft these elaborate scenarios in their minds that they actually decide to believe so they don't feel like they're lying or incorrect or whatever. Yea, this isn't like that. When I see one of these "signs" I acknowledge it, absorb it, sometimes write it down if it's significant enough to remember and think about later, and then I continue on my path knowing that it will be there as a morsel of supporting material for my decision when I'm ready to make it, but that at the present moment I am tucking it away for safekeeping.
I'm all for transparency and disclosure, and normally I'm not so vague. Some of you reading this know me quite well, others only casually, still others maybe not at all. Please keep your inklings to yourself, even if some of them might be accurate, and I promise I'll refer back to this post at a later date when any of these situations have been resolved and then I'll fill you in. Stay tuned.
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