What it Takes

• It takes strength:  I'm not talking about the kind of strength you get by lifting weights - I mean the kind of strength that's on the inside.  The strength of your heart, your mind, and soul.  The kind of strength you get from facing the rough times, conquering them, and coming through on the other side a better, smarter person.  That's the kind of strength to be really proud of.
• It takes heart:  You have to care enough and have enough courage, not only to make it in this world, but to make your life everything you want it to be. 
• It takes determination: No matter what curveballs get thrown your way, no matter how daunting the challenge, you have to decide to do whatever it takes to make the outcome favorable.  You are responsible for knowing what's best for you and going out there to get it.
• It takes confidence: We're not all born with an unwavering belief in ourselves, but "the journey of a lifetime starts with a single step." Never tell yourself you can't do something.  You'll be so surprised how liberating it is to look back on a situation you never thought you'd survive and be able to say "I did it." When you don't give yourself the choice to fail, you won't.  When you make overcoming the only option, you will.
• It takes love: Loving yourself enough to be honest about what you want, what you need, and what's working or not working in your life is paramount to the ability to improve your situation.  Don't ever tell yourself you don't deserve what you want.  Don't ever make yourself a victim of circumstance.  There is a season for everything, and with new seasons come winds of change.  Evaluate which chapters in your life must end and set your sights on new beginnings. 
• It takes faith: You might not be able to predict your future, but you should believe in it anyway.  You can set your course and forge your own path.  You can change directions.  You can reach far-off goals.  You can start over.  If you think it's too late, if you think you're defeated, shame on you.  You don't have to know how, you just have to know that you can.
• It takes respect: Respect for yourself and the world around you is crucial to living well.  Respect yourself enough to know and convey that you have governance of all conditions in your life.  Respect others enough to build more bridges than you burn, to walk away from conditions that don't suit your purpose, and to avoid conflict that does not serve the greater good of which you are in pursuit. And respect the world around you enough to leave everything a little better than you found it.  Make your mark, but make it a good one.
• It takes purpose: Having goals is one thing, but you have to be willing to plot the course and sketch the road map of how to get there.  But do it in pencil - allow yourself room to change course if life calls you elsewhere - but never stop moving.
• It takes reflection: Soul searching isn't easy for everyone.  It can be painful and reveal things we don't wish to see or have been trying to ignore.  But the most refreshing soul searching happens in the face of change you've been resisting or struggles you've been facing.  So often we just "go through the motions" and accept whatever hand we're dealt.  When we look in the mirror and really try to understand how we feel and why, explain our actions and reactions, and identify the positive and negative components of our lives, it becomes easier to decide what stays and what goes, when to "take out the trash," what starts with you, and what ends today.
• It takes guts: "Guts" - having the kind of spirit to go out and grab life by the horns in any little way.  This could mean stepping out of your comfort zone, being assertive, taking charge, pursuing what you want, making something happen.  If you're scared and if you're satisfied with the status quo, ask yourself why and then challenge yourself to change that. 
• It takes perseverance: "Don't put off 'til tomorrow what you can do today." "Yesterday you said tomorrow." "When the going gets tough..." - how would you finish that sentence? Don't be the person who looks back on their past and kicks yourself for not trying things, letting opportunities pass you by, or lazily awaiting the future that drifted beyond your grasp because you didn't put forth the effort to obtain it.
• It takes moderation: Know your limits.  Do all you can, but don't overstep your boundaries.  Some can take a little, some can take a lot, but baby steps are better than leaps and bounds if those large strides are going to push you over the edge.  The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it, so pursue your goals wisely, and pace yourself.
• It takes forgiveness: We all mess up.  All the time.  And usually, when everything seems to be going our way and we're getting along nicely, something blindsides us out of nowhere and trips us up.  The way we handle the bumps in the road is up to us, but if we don't forgive ourselves when we falter, we risk repeating the past and falling into a pattern of self-loathing.  Forgiveness of others is also essential to moving forward.  Let go of those grudges, make peace with your scars, and write a letter to your former self and your future self to tuck away somewhere as a reminder of how to get through the hard times.
• It takes balance: If you have 1,000 goals, all of a different nature, you're going to have to pick a starting point and identify the best way to achieve your goals at a reasonable pace.  You can't work three jobs, record an album, start your own side business, free-lance, handle all your home and personal responsibilities, and also eat, sleep and breathe simultaneously.  Going back to moderation, pick a couple of things that you think you can reasonably start working on together. Set your pace, and don't set the bar too high or push yourself to be done everything at once.  Be realistic in your expectations of yourself, and celebrate the little victories more than you mourn the minor setbacks. And for heaven's sake, don't beat yourself up if you need to take a break.  Whether it's a diet or a hectic schedule - sometimes half a pizza, a carton of ice cream, and a day on the couch are just what your soul needs! Just plan to go even harder after you feel rejuvenated and rested and don't be tempted to make those little "breaks" your norm.
• It takes humility: There's nothing wrong with a pat on the back and a little pride when you've accomplished something.  But always knowing that you're blessed and that you had help is crucial to keeping your feet on the ground, even if your head is in the clouds.  And don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.  There will come a time when you can pay it forward and return the favor.
• It takes positivity: No matter what, keep telling yourself "it will get better." When you're down, there's nowhere to go but up.  Tell yourself you can do it, you can beat it, you can change it, you can fix it, and you can begin or end.  And most importantly, tell yourself that you call the shots.  It's your life - you can choose the things and people with which/whom you surround yourself.  You can alter your environment.  And if that means changing your circumstances, you can do that too.  The biggest mountains we climb are the ones we climb in our heads.  Don't even think, just know you can - and then do.

Inquiring Minds Want to Know...

I have what I'd like to call an over-active mind.  I'm not just referring to my imagination, either (though perhaps one day I'll post about that in greater detail, it's quite vivid in sometimes scary ways).  I'm overly curious and inquisitive about anything and everything.  Sometimes I'll find myself wondering about the most random things while I'm driving or walking or eating.  I just thought I'd share some of them to see if other people can relate (or if you all just think I'm crazy).

I've always been mystified by the ocean.  So the other day when I was on a boat, cruising over the waves and looking out at what appeared to be a massive expanse that holds its own shape, with peaks and valleys and smooth surfaces and frothy surfaces and god-knows-what swimming around underneath it all, I started thinking about units of measurement and just how someone would quantify that immense a body of water in both distance and depth.  I understand I could probably have just googled it, but I was on a boat.  And then I forgot.  And when the moment passes, the object of your curiosity is rarely as important to actually research a few days later.  But, almost as if to remind me, I heard a radio commercial a couple of days after this boat ride and it said "there are over 358 million trillion gallons of water on earth."  So how did they come up with that number, I wonder?

Moving on...I drive into the city every day.  When I see the trash trucks and the public works employees and all the solar trash cans and think of the thousands of actual trashcans and bags that must be emptied and collected every day, I wonder where it all goes.  Obviously to a local dump or landfill, but since different neighborhoods have different trash days, do they all have their own landfills? Does the trash go somewhere else to get sorted before it goes to the landfill (like to a waste management facility)? Kind of like how mail goes to the post office first instead of directly to our houses from the sender? And what about the ripped bags and bags full of glass? Do trashmen ever get hurt by our careless disposal of sharp and broken objects? What about when trash is so heavy it breaks the bag because the resident didn't double-bag it?  Do the trashmen have to rebag it? Is that one of the reasons they make good money (besides just dealing with smelly trash all day and riding around in an ugly truck in an ugly outfit stopping every five seconds)?

And what about the sewer systems? All the manholes in the city and all the sewer grates; think about it.  I know they're not all sewer - some have to be electric or other kinds of wires, but whatever.  When you think of streets as arteries running into the hearts of living, breathing cities, those massive underground networks become less invisible, and kind of creepy.  Who goes down there? When? How often? To do what? Or is it ignored? Other than the subways, do you ever wonder what else is going on underneath you? Or if you're in, say, the 11th Street subway, do you ever wonder what's going on underground just a couple of blocks away from you and what's behind those subway walls? Can you get a map of the underground tunnels of a city (not the Septa map, like a sewer system map), or is there secret, classified stuff that happens down there? Like a whole creepy underworld?

Then I heard a Peco commercial.  At least I think it was Peco.  Someone talking about hauling away your old energy-guzzling refrigerator and paying you $35 for it.  Anyway, where do they take the refrigerators? Back to their warehouses? Or are there special refrigerator dumps (I'm picturing a mountain of refrigerators sitting somewhere).  Or do they go to regular dumps? Surely they can't all be recycled for parts, right?  What about the really old ones? Same with unused electronics.  You always see cell phone drop-offs and camera/computer recycling, but where do they go? Who's sitting in some lab taking them all apart? And is the content always really "wiped" or "destroyed," or is someone secretly hacking into hard drives and memory cards and viewing all of our information?

What about food permits? Who has to have them (do restaurants even have to have them, or street vendors, concert venues?) Are there different permits for different types of food and if so, do they vary in cost (are seafood permits more expensive?) Is restaurant insurance expensive? Does it cover everything? How many times does a restaurant have to get complaints, receive bad reviews, be found in violation of food safety laws, and get unsatisfactory cleanliness inspections before it gets shut down? What about all these places you see sporadically on the news about food courts with mouse feces and other vermin, uncovered containers, mold? Chemicals in food, hazardous particles in ice dispensers? We only see a couple here and there - think how many of those places must exist!

Or what about chemicals and drug names?  First let's start with chemicals.  Check this picture out:




How 'bout the "linoleamidopropyl PG-dimonium chloride phosphate"? What the heck is that? Why are all these fancy names needed for soap/cleanser ingredients?  Who the heck is naming these chemicals? Or even the pharmaceutical commercials: Humira, aka adalimumab, is a drug used to treat rheumatoid arthritis.  I can't even pronounce adalimumab.  Who came up with that? How was that made?  I'm sure the little packet or even the website could tell you, but I don't have that much time.  Who came up with Humira? What's that supposed to mean? It doesn't sound at all similar to adalimumab.  Isn't it a scary world?  And what about all the side effects of all these drugs?  Bodies aren't mean to have drugs pumped into them, so naturally when you treat one thing you harm another.  But I wonder if it's possible to ever manufacture drugs without side effects (or with far fewer side effects), or if it's all a big scheme by the pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies and health care networks to get more money out of patients.  How sick would that be? Keep everyone sicker under the guise of getting them better.  Line our pockets.  Hmm...

Totally switching gears on you now (are you exhausted yet?) and moving on to song lyrics.  Every time I hear a great song I wonder how the songwriter came up with the inspiration.  Not all songs are really about their alleged subject.  Sometimes the people in these songs don't even exist.  So was it a string of words that popped into someone's head and then a whole song was built around that, rhyming structure, melody, chord progression, etc.?  Or did someone different write the lyrics and the melody? And in some cases, is someone else entirely different from either of the songwriters the one actually singing the song?  And how many songs exist about women and how many songs exist about men? And how many songs exist with the word "love" in the title? Are there musical statisticians sitting in a room somewhere collecting data and putting it into song databases for people like me who wonder these things? I googled my "love" title question and couldn't find even an approximate answer.  One guy Mike has a blog where he shared that he has 1,189 songs with the word "love" in the title in just his iTunes collection alone.  SO fascinating. 

Then sometimes when I see babies (or hear babies or smell babies) I think about the actual act of a human gestating and giving birth to a real live baby, like the rest of our mammalian friends do.  And then I compare our species to animals.  And then I think it's gross (sorry guys, don't mean to offend anyone, I'm just not interested in actually having a baby).  And then I wonder why we have to have little cellular eggs and little micro tadpole sperm and why we have to get all big and alien-like and carry something around for 9 months - why can't we just lay eggs like reptiles and birds do and incubate them until they hatch? Wouldn't that be cool, to lay an egg much smaller than the size of a newborn, nurture it for several weeks, and then watch a baby hatch out? Then none of that stuff would have to happen to your body and overall it would just be a much less unpleasant experience.  Plus you wouldn't be like, "Sorry guys, I can't go out, I'm pregnant." You'd just be like, "Hey wait, let me get a sitter for this egg and I'll meet you there!" 

In case you're laughing hysterically (and hopefully not grimacing in disgust), I have plenty more material.  These are only a handful of thoughts that float through my brain in any given 30-minute period.  Is that normal or do I have some form of A.D.D.?  It's literally hard to stop myself right now.  I was on a roll and I have hundreds more things I wonder about constantly.  All this while I'm going about my day-to-day routine and actually thinking about real stuff, like working out and my grocery list (oh yeah, that reminds me, is everything at Trader Joe's made at some colorful, happy factory? Do you think all the workers in all the stores hum and ring bells and sing?) Sorry - there goes my brain again.  I just can't shut it off, like ever!

Please tell me I'm not the only one like this. For the love of God.  Humor me, someone!

Signs, Signs, Everywhere a Sign

Yes, I'm singing the song by Canadian group Five Man Electrical Band. I tend to sing most things that remind me of a song.  Like the fact that I believe there are signs everywhere.  Yep, I'm one of those people, the kind that logical, intellectual people shake their heads and scoff at.  If you're one of them, you should probably stop reading, because everything I'm about to say is likely to annoy you.

But it's true, I really do think the universe speaks to us through signs and signals that are meant for us to see and witness.  Whether we're more attuned and perceptive to certain things because they're embedded in our subconscious or whether we create these signs and see what we want to, I still interpret it as an uncanny occurrence and a gift from the cosmos. 

Like anything, I'm sure there's a logical explanation, and it may even include one of the points I said in the previous paragraph.  But I don't really care about defining the phenomenon, I'm more interested in exploring the possibilities of the various interpretations of the signs I see and the effects they may or may not have on my life. 

We ignore signs all the time, don't we?  So-called red flags and warning signs that tell us to stay away from someone or something, a particular situation.  Maybe you call that intuition, but when intuition fails us or when we go against our gut feeling against our better judgment, in hindsight we always say we "ignored the signs." Or when you find yourself in a situation (whether it's confusing, difficult, intriguing, life-changing, etc.) and you're contemplating what to do, sometimes a "sign" will appear that feels like a message meant to help you weigh the very side of your decision that you think it represents. 

I am a decisive person by nature.  I think something through, analyzing all sides, and make my move when I've drawn the conclusion that one side is better for me than the other.  Sometimes I'm decisive to a fault, acting too quickly; you might even be able to call me hasty at times.  But I usually feel strongly about something and even in instances where I've looked back and thought to myself "I could've handled that better," or "I could've waited a little longer," my initial feeling and decision are usually no different. 

Other times though, when I'm going through difficult times in my life or when I'm faced with choices that are multi-faceted and will leave me with multiple decisions that might affect my life on a deeper level, I'm like the horse in The Neverending Story that gets stuck in the swamp and dies - I just can't move.  I waffle back and forth between decisions, going round and round in circles in my head, never getting any closer to a decision because it's either too painful or I come up with a reason to stop thinking about it until I'm in a better state of mind. 

I perceive this quality as a weakness of mine, and I wonder if anyone else shares this experience and feels the same way.  It's the worst feeling to be stuck in this state and to see signs everywhere that point to the decision you don't want to make, the thing you know deep down that you should do, but can't bring yourself to do quite yet.  I always think "maybe after I try this," or "maybe not until that," and sometimes I really feel as though I can solve whatever dilemma I'm having and avoid the decision altogether.  But am I just postponing the inevitable? I can't bear the thought of making a hasty decision regarding any serious part of my life, but some decisions are months - maybe even years in the making.  What's my problem? I have an innate sense of guilt because of this; I feel like I'm failing, drowning, not moving forward, holding myself back.  I struggle with thoughts that I should blame myself for being lazy and push myself towards a decision, but hey, if you're not ready you're just not ready.

Sorry to be vague, but right now there are a handful of things in my life that are troubling me and that aren't all that simple.  Yes, I'll be one of the first to say "it's never as hard as it seems, you're just too close to it, just back away and give yourself some space and then make the changes you need to make.  Boom."  But it's not "just like that." I'm perplexed, I'm struggling with emotional attachment, I'm invested, I'm trying to be responsible and mature, I'm trying to be a good person, I'm trying to do what's best for me but still tolerate the things that may not be best for me, and I'm trying to achieve balance while I juggle all these pending, tentative, incomplete thoughts and decisions that weigh on my mind and heart every hour of every day.  Talk about exhausting. 

Maybe right now I am ignoring some signs.  From things I read and notice, to things people say directly to me.  Things that actually happen or don't happen - not little figments of my imagination that I'm creating to subconsciously sway myself towards a belief that is convenient or comfortable for me.  It's not like when people get caught in a lie or don't know what they're talking about so they make up supporting facts to dig themselves deeper into whatever falsehood they've created, more or less trying to convince themselves rather than their audience. 

There's got to be a word for that.  I don't know what it is, but sometimes when people get embarrassed or feel guilty they craft these elaborate scenarios in their minds that they actually decide to believe so they don't feel like they're lying or incorrect or whatever.  Yea, this isn't like that.  When I see one of these "signs" I acknowledge it, absorb it, sometimes write it down if it's significant enough to remember and think about later, and then I continue on my path knowing that it will be there as a morsel of supporting material for my decision when I'm ready to make it, but that at the present moment I am tucking it away for safekeeping. 

I'm all for transparency and disclosure, and normally I'm not so vague.  Some of you reading this know me quite well, others only casually, still others maybe not at all.  Please keep your inklings to yourself, even if some of them might be accurate, and I promise I'll refer back to this post at a later date when any of these situations have been resolved and then I'll fill you in.  Stay tuned. 

To Some People That's Beautiful

I want to sing and dance
Every now and then I can be reckless and wild
I get a little emotional sometimes
But it's beautiful

I give everything I've got
I keep going until there's nothing left
I lay my soul bare and keep coming back for more
But it's beautiful

I'm particular, I think too much
I'm organized, I'm a mess
I'm loyal to a fault
But it's beautiful

I don't trust easily, I'm wary
I'm haunted by things that have happened and things that haven't yet
But I dive right in without heeding my own warnings
And it's beautiful

I'm not perfect, but I'm far from ordinary
I can't be pinned or stifled
My spirit is something special
And that's beautiful

I can be silly, I can be sappy
I can be way too serious sometimes
I overcompensate and I like to earn love
But you know what? It's beautiful

I've got a bright side and a dark side
At my best I glow and radiate
At my worst I withdraw and give in
But it's beautiful

I over extend myself
If you have my love there's almost nothing I wouldn't do for you
I can be like sweet sunshine in the morning
And that's beautiful

I'm a wanderer, I love living
I don't always know where I'm going or what I'm doing
I have a big heart and I'm not afraid to use it
And that's beautiful.

_________________________________________________________________

The point of these ramblings tonight is that all of us are special and wonderful in our own unique ways.  Some of us choose to let our loveable side show while some of us hide it away.  I've been seeing dozens of posts on Facebook and Instagram in the past couple of weeks that are lovey-dovey, cutesy, and romantic.  A girl being swept up in a man's arms, dipped for a kiss on the cheek; a girl being brought breakfast in bed; a girl publicly recognizing and appreciating her boyfriend and how hard he works; another girl describing how wonderfully thoughtful her boyfriend is and how a small gesture from him made her day; a guy announcing that he has the best girlfriend ever because of how well she takes care of him; another guy proclaiming proudly how much he loves his fiancée; a couple posting pictures of themselves holding hands and kissing...

Of course, there are always going to be unhappy posts, stories of endings and betrayal, regrets and poor decisions.  And I'm not one of the people who hates reading about any of these things (or the happy ones).  I see a lot of folks complaining like "keep that stuff to yourself, it makes me want to throw up, no one cares about how in love you are, get a room," or "stop airing your dirty laundry online, if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all, I'm so sick of scrolling through my news feed and reading about everyone's most recent drama or heartache..."

To those people I say delete the ones who are annoying you then.  That's what social media is for - it's a forum to publicly express and share anything you want.  Some people have a natural tendency to share more when they're happy; others are more inclined to share when they're depressed.  If you feel the need to criticize what someone is sharing then maybe there's something going on (or not going on) in your life.  If you don't like it, don't read it, or unfriend them, simple as that.

Everyone has a right to their feelings and the expression of those feelings.  If they choose to use social media as an outlet then so be it, that's their prerogative.  But I for one, enjoy reading and seeing what my "friends" are experiencing.  It reminds me that there's so much in life that goes on, that could go on, that we miss.  If you're one of those lucky girls whose boyfriend publicly proclaims his love for you and regularly tells you how great you are and expresses affection in a public way, then by all means, brag about it.  And hold onto that.  And cherish it, because it's something not every girl has, even though it's something that we all have a right to feel.  I'm happy for any and all of you and I support that you feel happy enough to share it with everyone. 

And if you're one of the ones who's upset and something bad happened to you recently, hold on, because this too shall pass, and if it makes you feel better to share and if someone connects to you and is there for you, then that's great.  And hopefully by reading other people's happy posts you'll feel optimistic that your outlook can change for the better. 

We all are exquisite creatures.  Every girl (and guy) deserves someone who is going to make her feel that way.  Someone who is going to love her for who she really is - all the things that make her her - maybe even if some of those things are not so nice.  Someone who will admire and embrace the characteristics that she possesses, the things she accomplishes, the good deeds she performs.  Someone who will let her know how she enriches his life and brightens his day.  Someone who makes her feel like he knows what he has and doesn't want to lose it and will do whatever it takes to keep her by his side.  Someone who knows her better than she knows herself and who is her biggest supporter, fan, and best friend.  Deep down, don't most of us want that? Yea, I want someone who's going to make a big deal over me once in a while.  So what? I am a big deal.  Is it asking too much?

If you have that, I'm happy for you.  If you don't, you can, and if you never stop searching, one day you will.  Don't sell yourself short, don't settle for less than you deserve, don't trap yourself into thinking you have a "type" or a standard that is impossible to meet.  We all deserve to be loved as much as we love.  Allow those who can deliver that feeling a glimpse into your soul.  Let that wall come down and forget your fear for long enough to test the waters and see if anything is there. 

When people praise you, compliment you, and sincerely offer you a gleaming opinion of yourself from their perspective, accept it with grace and let it linger.  Reflect on it.  Ask yourself if you see the things about yourself that they see.  Then ask yourself if others in your life see the same things.  If the people you spend the most time with don't see the best in you and bring out the best in you, maybe they're dulling your shine.  You shouldn't have to try to get someone to recognize you for who you are.  You shouldn't have to try to give someone the feeling that they crave being around you and that they're just magnetically drawn to you.  You shouldn't have to try to get someone to think you're awesome, to love you to the moon and back, to sing your praises, to compliment and thank more than they criticize and doubt, and to respect you and cherish you like the treasure that you are. 

That should all come naturally.  Every girl (and guy) deserves that.  We all deserve that. 

Independence

I know this may come across as cliche considering the timing, but today let's not take anything for granted. Friends, this isn't just a day for brews, barbecues and horseshoes. Today is a day to remember how lucky we are to have been born and raised in this nation we call home. The rights and privileges we have as Americans have been earned, fought for, and passed down through our history and from our forefathers. Though we may be a young country in terms of age relative to others, our story and our roots run deep. Today while you're enjoying your beach homes and the right to drink and carry on obnoxiously and speak freely about whatever you wish, please remember that we are among some of the only citizens in the world who enjoy these rights, and we have soldiers and servicemen and women who have fought and continue to fight for these freedoms every day, in conditions we would consider appalling, away from their families, facing danger and risking their lives. Today while we celebrate our long weekend and hopefully the end of all the rainy weather, we need to also celebrate the gift we have been given and that our armed forces live to defend. Today we celebrate freedom. One nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all!