We All Need a Little Help Sometimes...

...and there's nothing wrong with that. 

Whether you get by with a little help from your friends, whether you turn to God/your faith, whether you seek the help of a professional or a support group, we all need a little help sometimes.  I think one of the most grown-up things I've done recently (besides actually dry cleaning clothes for the first time) is acknowledge that I need help, admit the things I need help with, and actually take the steps necessary towards asking for the help. 

Those of you who know me and/or read this regularly ("regularly" is kind of ironic considering how sporadically I actually write anymore) know that I'm Christian and believe in God.  Whether you believe in God or another religion, or maybe you just believe in a higher spiritual power, then surely you must know how it feels to pray.  And not just those prayers that you were taught to say every night before you go to sleep that kind of sound the same each time (the ones you actually doze off while praying and don't really finish).  I mean the deep, sincere prayers, the kind that come from going through hardships and needing something to cling to. 

I can't believe I never thought of this before, but I finally started a prayer journal.  It's strange to me that the idea never occurred to me, considering how much I love to write and use writing as my preferred means of communication.  My mind is so busy that it's hard to concentrate on prayer, even during the day, without getting sidetracked and interrupted by other thoughts.  Writing (typing) my prayers really helps me focus and hear the things I want to say.  Plus it's a good way to keep track of things that are going on in your life and to look back and remember what you were going through at any given point in time. 

The act of prayer is different for everyone, and it's personal, but I'm sure of one commonality upon which most would agree: that prayer is comforting.  So, thankfully, we can pray anytime.  And when we pray, we are kind of soliciting God's ear and his guidance.  We are usually directly asking Him for something (and hopefully always thanking Him for something).  But what about the times when unsolicited help just crosses your path in the most unexpected of ways? What about the times when God seems to literally answer your prayers before you've even prayed them and sends you a message of some sort to wake you up and tell you just what you need to hear?

That happened to me the other day.  I was leaving my office and was on my way somewhere, driving.  Out the passenger-side window I recognized someone on a street corner, someone I went to college with and hadn't seen in several years.  I was going too fast to stop and say anything, but I thought it was bizarre because he isn't from around here, and if even two more seconds had gone by I would've never known he was in town.  So later on that night I contacted him via Facebook and confirmed that it was him, and suggested that we have lunch while he's in town visiting.  We scheduled lunch for this past Thursday. 

In the meantime, a few things happened that were extremely tough.  I was dealing with my grandfather's sudden passing and the pain of not being able to travel to Louisiana to be with my family for the funeral, a couple of close friends experienced tragic losses (to protect their privacy I won't elaborate), and I also went through a very difficult couple of days emotionally, which included some relationship pitfalls and some personal struggles.  The week just felt so confusing and heavy, like I was being knocked backwards and held down. 

The night before lunch with my friend, I'd had one of the worst nights I've had in a long time.  The kind that are so ugly it hurts to even look back and reflect on them, but so prickly that they attach to your brain and won't let you forget.  I barely slept, and I was exhausted.  I thought about canceling lunch since I hadn't gotten much done early in the day, due to being tired and distracted, but I decided to go - I felt compelled to - it was too weird how we crossed paths in that moment after all these years with so many other factors pointing to us never seeing each other again. 

Now let me clarify: we weren't close friends or anything.  We weren't even in the same class.  As a matter of fact, our familiarity with each other could be considered inconsequential.  If I hadn't passed him on the street corner after work the other day, I might've never given thought to never seeing him again.  But running into each other despite the odds was just too uncanny to ignore.  So we met for lunch.  And what I anticipated would be small talk about what we've been doing for the past several years quickly turned into one of the most amazing, enlightening, miraculous conversations I've ever had.  It felt so surreal.  When he started telling me about things going on in his life and about his journey to overcome personal struggles, all of his words sounded like they were meant for me.  I felt like I was looking in the mirror.  I felt like someone had spied on me and sent him to deliver this message.  I felt like asking, "How did you know?"

The honesty and humility with which he told his story was absolutely refreshing, especially considering we're virtually strangers.  But it felt like we were meant to be in that moment.  I praised his maturity and growth and told him I admired his self-awareness.  So many people go through life, lost, in denial, not even knowing they're downward spiraling and making excuses for their own existence.  Here was someone who faced a series of trials and struggles, realized he had problems that he needed to fix before he lost everything or became seriously ill or hurt, sought the help necessary to start repairing what was broken, distanced himself from things that triggered problematic behavior, and began to heal, forgive, and be grateful for each day.  Talk about strength.  Think of all the people that blame the world for their issues, or who never even consider that they're part of the problem themselves?

I realize how vague this all sounds, I do.  But since I'm talking about a real person I can't in good conscience air his dirty laundry for the sake of my story.  I can tell you, however, that while I didn't identify directly with his specific set of problems, I very much related to the thinking behind them. It was like a light bulb went on, illuminating some mystery that really shouldn't have been a mystery at all. It was like wiping the dust off an old book and feeling like I was seeing it for the first time, except someone else was reading me the pages.  And I was stunned at how easily these words of hurt, progress, and recovery flowed from his mouth, as if he was grateful to be saying them.  I was left speechless at several moments in our conversation because, as I said previously, I felt like he was sent to deliver this message to me at exactly the time I needed it most.  Talk about a wakeup call.  And in the span of an hour, we parted ways.  I went back to my office and he went about his day.  He won't be staying in the area much longer and when he leaves, it's very unlikely that I'll ever see him again. My life was changed, I mean the fabric of it, from what I was feeling before we met to what I was feeling after, in just an hour.  And it came out of nowhere.  What if I had never recognized him or reached out to him?  It was like God and the universe wanted me to have that experience right then.

Everyone takes their own time responding to crisis.  Everyone takes their own time recognizing it even exists.  The journey is different for everyone, and for some, it never happens.  But for many, even in times when we catch a glimpse of a problem, we deny it, push it to the back of our minds, rationalize our way out of our own spotlight until we can think of another cause or something more significant to occupy that space, and we keep going.  We let the same problems (or detrimental thoughts or behaviors) recur again and again, confused as to why, as if we're walking through dense fog.  It can't be us, we think; blaming it on any number of outside factors and influences.  But yet, when we really stop and take a look around, when we're truly alone with ourselves and open to our thoughts, the answers appear, too bright to ignore.

For me, it's not a substance abuse problem or some dark secret I'm hiding.  I guess you could say I'm addicted to control. I try to control everything in my life, down to every word and interaction. But learning that you can't control everyone and everything, learning to relinquish control and surrender to what will be, that's hard. I like to think of it as a character flaw, or bad code. I realize that in so many situations I have forced my own agenda where it might not have been appropriate, where it might've caused damage. And it wasn't with ill intentions, I always meant well. But good intentions are wasted when the actions don't match, and usually they're mismatched because of lack of control. Which, of course, makes me crazy and compels me to fight even harder. That's a good word for it; a compulsion, compulsive behavior. 

Being able to own a situation that didn't turn out how you wanted it to and look at what you did to put yourself there, to open yourself up to that possibility. To think about why you couldn't carry out your intentions, without finding fault or placing blame solely on others and pointing the finger instead of turning inward. And then, forgiving yourself and moving on, with the will and knowledge to do better next time. That's hard. Maybe not for you, maybe not for a lot of people. But my friend taught me something else that felt like I was being pinpointed somehow - that responding and reacting are different. Sometimes when we think we're responding, we're reacting. Stopping yourself and verifying the way you feel, why, and the necessity of what you're about to say or do is essential to not over reacting and causing further damage. You always play a part in the problems you face. Small or large, it's not about blame, but you're part of the equation. And the second you realize you can't control or influence someone else to do or say what you think they should, you're better off. As my friend put it, all you can do is show up, do your best, and let the rest unfold. 

I'll openly tell you that my biggest problem is cyclical negative thinking, carried to an extreme where my thoughts, feelings, emotions, reactions, and behaviors are all controlled by something that isn't even real.  A manifestation of what I imagine to be any combination of worst-case scenarios, all projected farther into the future than anyone can predict.  This mindset stems from a deep-seated fear of not being loved, not being good enough for anyone.  (Go ahead, laugh and mock me).  But really - somewhere along the line, unbeknownst to myself, I developed this fear and harbored it inside me, nurtured it, until it became this monster that consumes me and every last shred of self-esteem and positivity I've ever mustered.  It voids my redeeming qualities and can make me too miserable to even stomach myself. And while "negative thinking" may sound silly and inconsequential to those of you who have "real" problems, let me assure you that this is an affliction by which I could suffer many wounds if not for the insight and resolve I'm trying to gather. 

They say that fear and anger are two of the most toxic emotions.  They can destroy a person from the inside out, like a poison.  It wasn't until the other day that I realized, I mean wind-knocked-out-of-me realized, that my whole life is governed and controlled by my fears, which spawn worries and anxiety, which breed negative thinking, which dictates my behavior, and all of this creates so many problems that have been bewildering me for so many years.  I don't expect anyone to understand; I'm not going into a whole lot of detail, but it won't be until I seek help for this thought process that I can finally be happy and feel the weight be lifted.  Not to say that I think my wiring and circuitry will change, we're built the way we're built, but I can at least learn to understand myself, my triggers, and my patterns of behavior so that I can change my outlook and start to cope.  Start to forgive myself, start to forgive others, start to heal, start to lose the guilt and the pain I've been carrying around.  And most importantly, not lose myself or reach for other toxic things to use for filling that void. 

I feel like I've been shouldering the weight of the world for so long, and the other day when my friend was talking to me, it was like he was lifting it, word by word.  I realized it's ok to feel the way I do and that I'm enough.  I'm allowed to forgive myself.  I don't have to beat myself up and force myself to live in the wreckage of the past.  (Yes, more ambiguity - sorry.  I don't mean to keep dancing around the real meat of the story while only giving you the bones.  It's more detail than I'm comfortable with providing to an obscure audience.)  But that day, I was immediately grateful for everything - my problems, my awareness, the fact that I was open to receive the message I was handed.  Signed, sealed, delivered.  I came home and started my prayer journal, and just today I actually took another step towards my recovery by talking to someone, a professional.  Laugh if you wish; I'm grown-up. 

God works in mysterious ways.  He definitely hand-delivered a message to me through the vessel that is my friend, and from the story of my friend's struggles I was able to begin to recognize and feel my own pain that I'd been numb to.  There is an ongoing conflict happening inside of me - waging war on my mind and my heart, suffocating me and turning me ugly from the inside out.  I will now embark upon conquering that fire - and truly healing myself so that I may radiate positivity and happiness from this moment forward.  It starts with being grateful, being humble, and forgiving.  Life is too short to be anything but.

I am getting help. I am getting help letting go.  I am letting go.