Thoughts on Helping

Navigating personal relationships is much like learning a new language. Just read the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, and you'll see how nuanced and intricate it can be to actually understand and relate to even someone you thought you knew well.

Relationships are most successful when lines of communication are open, that's common knowledge, but what if your communication style doesn't match someone's processing style? It seems no matter how many times you say the same thing, it doesn't make a difference. Figuring out how they need to hear it and learning how to apply that strategy to the rest of your communication would be wise and help greatly.

This concept can be applied to many different relational issues. I kept running into a dilemma involving a simple misunderstanding and it got me thinking, it's just about understanding someone's "native language" (so to speak). There was nothing wrong with what I was saying or communicating, not even how I was saying it. It was just the perceived motivation behind the concept that differed from the receiver's motivation. Let me explain.

Just like most people have heard of "love languages," most people have also heard the familiar saying, "It's not what you say, it's how you say it." But I believe there's more depth to that statement that gets lost on so many of us. It's not until the light bulb comes on in some repeated misunderstanding or breakdown that we start to get it — oftentimes years after it would've first been helpful, and sometimes we never get it.

Not only is what you say and how you say it important, but your delivery will be ineffective if you're not speaking to the receiver's motivations (but from your own). Here's just one example of a recent, real-life situation to illustrate my point:

In a romantic and domestic relationship, whether a couple is married or just living together, there is shared responsibility. Many times each person has his or her own set of responsibilities, some of which the other knows nothing about, and then there is a set of assumed, common responsibilities. This middle ground is where many relationships suffer, as this is an area where silent expectation takes over, assumptions are made, and one or both members of the relationship start to feel that the workload is unbalanced and that they're being taken for granted.

Regardless who "does more" or "works harder," it will always bode well for a relationship when each member strives to at least anticipate the needs of the other person or offers to alleviate some of their stress by taking on tasks that the other normally does. Without being asked or prompted, it will probably make your significant other feel loved and appreciated if he or she normally takes out the trash and you do it instead without being asked. You might be going along thinking your plate is so full you couldn't possibly add more, and there might be things your partner wishes you'd do that you are oblivious to (because you've never done them before and wouldn't think to do them).

Eventually someone's resentment and stress will get the best of them and you'll get into an argument where you're both feeling blindsided and criticized. How did things get to this point? They say you're not contributing enough to the shared workload, you're oblivious to what would reduce the stress, you're not doing enough. You feel defensive, because you're struggling to fulfill all your individual responsibilities plus work with your significant other in your very small amount of spare time to plan and execute things, and you feel like you're helping. And then that word, "helping," sets them off. It's not the definition of the word, but their interpretation of it that causes the rift.

You see, some of us are martyrs, some of us are people-pleasers, some love to serve, and some love to be served. Some of us are naturally selfless, always looking out for others, and some of us require more straightforward communication of expectations. We're happy to do what is asked but we need to actually be asked. Some of us make the mistake of thinking "I shouldn't have to ask, they should know." And we go 'round and 'round. After all, it takes all kinds.

Back to "helping." If you're a people-pleaser, you love to feel like you're "helping," or serving someone. The motivation is often selfless — you feel good when you're making others feel good or serving them in some way. You thrive on hospitality and generosity. You'd rather feel like you're "helping" or serving someone else, making their day better, than assume the same task as a chore or personal responsibility. You're more likely to procrastinate your own responsibilities than something you're given the opportunity to do for another. If you're in the middle of accomplishing your weekly chores, and a loved one asks for "help," you're likely to stop what you're doing and go out of your way to help them, because there is fulfillment in serving. It means you care.

But if you're a martyr, you feel like you do everything yourself and get no recognition. You feel like you shouldn't have to ask for "help" because people should recognize how much you do and just offer to chip in (or do so automatically, without a word). The word "help" has a negative connotation to you — not at all like serving — because you perceive "helping" as something done when another is weak. Therefore, if you ask for "help," you're expressing weakness. Furthermore, when you ask for someone's "help," you feel that you're expressing "this is my responsibility, not yours, and you're doing me a favor." You don't want your significant other to think that they are doing you a favor by assisting with something that benefits you both. For example, it would seem egregious for your partner to do something that always needs to be done (like take out the trash) but that you normally do, and consider it "helping." If they were to take on some little task and then flaunt that they "helped" you, expecting some sort of thanks or recognition, you would feel aggravated and perhaps even more taken for granted.

These are only two of dozens of personality types, but as you can see, their expectations, perceptions, values, associations, and communication styles are very different. One thinks "you're mad at me because I don't help you enough," and the other thinks, "that's ridiculous, I don't want you to help me. I want you to think of it as your responsibility too and recognize when I'm struggling. If you do more, I'll struggle less, and that's what a team is."

What the martyr doesn't understand is that the people-pleaser wants to "help" and is, in fact, motivated by serving or "helping." If the martyr would communicate their expectations clearly and ask for help, the people-pleaser would immediately oblige. But of course, the catch 22 is that this goes against the martyr's nature. The satisfaction and relief the martyr would feel when being pleasantly surprised by the people-pleaser having anticipated their need by accomplishing a task unexpectedly would be totally voided if they'd had to ask for it. It also damages their sense of pride to ask and makes them feel undervalued. They don't like to feel as though they "need help" or are burdening someone else by asking, and they don't understand that the people-pleaser wouldn't view the request as a burden.

On the contrary, the people-pleaser is more burdened by the unspoken expectation and the seething disappointment and criticism that results in not having met the martyr's expectations. The people-pleaser wants everyone to feel satisfied with them, appreciated by them, thought of, considered, and yes, helped. People-pleasers pride themselves on thoughtfulness. But just like anyone, they can be busy, aloof, and oblivious to unspoken needs and expectations. Even if they recognize someone is struggling, it might not be obvious to them how they can possibly "help." So they try to offer their support in other ways — by communicating, comforting, offering other accommodations, and they think this is effective for the martyr. But it's not what the martyr needs. The martyr is only getting more and more annoyed at these futile attempts because they're thinking "how could this person be so oblivious and not know the one thing that is really bugging me?"

The irony is that, oftentimes, the martyr can be just as aloof and oblivious to the needs of the people-pleaser in other ways. Perhaps the martyr is so task-focused that they completely fail to see the people-pleaser's sadness over the lack of emotional connection and quality time being spent together. The people-pleaser feels so disconnected from the martyr, so unloved, yet the martyr feels they are doing everything possible to keep things together for the benefit of everyone else, and at their own expense. To the martyr, this is a selfless act of sacrificial love. To the people-pleaser, it is not the key way in which they receive love, so they are still disappointed. The two have the same problem: they are each unfulfilled in their primary language or area.

It's a vicious cycle, and many people will never see it and break out of it. There are multiple factors at play here, and it doesn't matter who we more closely identify with, or who we think is "right" or "wrong." All of us have different values and have grown up with different examples of how to live, build relationships, survive, communicate, and express ourselves. Regardless which archetype represents you, the important thing to note is that your nature doesn't matter. Your opinion doesn't matter either. One person has the power to change the dynamic of the whole relationship, if they can be wise enough to observe what is really going on. Every communication breakdown has a root, and getting to that root is often the hardest part of the battle. From there, one person can absolutely make the difference.

If the martyr sees the light bulb go on and has this revelation that it's only a matter of communication style, values, and personality types, then he or she can make the conscious decision to change their approach (without being in violation of their innate feelings). They will realize that this slight shift is just an accommodation in the way they're getting the point across. The same goal is being accomplished, and perhaps with greater success, because they were willing to strategically speak in the way that the people-pleaser easily understands and responds to.

If the people-pleaser is the first to see the light bulb go on, then he or she will have illuminated a very crucial part of interacting with a martyr. Do not use the word "help" when referring to shared responsibilities or things that serve you both, and do not act as though you are doing some grand deed by taking on one of these responsibilities, even if you don't normally do it or are going out of your way or out of your comfort zone. The people-pleaser will have realized that, to the martyr, anything done to assist the other person is for the greater good of the couple — the worst thing the people-pleaser can do is act as though it is a favor, a burden, or something they'd never consider doing. The martyr needs to feel appreciated, and actions speak much louder than words. Saying "I appreciate you" to a martyr who feels like they're drowning in things you could be "helping" with is frustrating. If you are a people-pleaser living with a martyr, the smartest thing you can do is check in regularly to ask if there are any important items that need to be done that you haven't already done. You could say, "I've already planned to do these five things, but am I forgetting anything that needs to be done?" This way, you're not placing the responsibility solely on them by saying "is there anything you need "help" with?" which (to them) indicates it's something you shouldn't have to do because they own it and you're just trying to be gracious.

There are endless situations like this one, and not just for the people-pleaser and the martyr. The key is being willing and open enough to reflect on the situation from a perspective other than you own. If the light bulb goes on, then making the choice to communicate in a way that is effective to the other person will not feel counter-productive to you. You can still have the same motivation, but they don't have to know that. The people-pleaser can still feel like they're "helping," while the martyr will feel appreciated and like part of a team. The martyr will feel as though their struggle is understood and they have a partner in the struggle, instead of feeling taken for granted, alone, and like their partner is oblivious to the things that need to be done for the greater good. As long as the people-pleaser can relinquish the need for appreciation, the martyr will express (in their own way) some kind of relief. If anything, the dynamic of the relationship will change as they begin to grow more secure and relaxed by knowing you have their back. No one needs to feel like they're being given a favor.

And the first person to grasp this breakthrough can keep it their own little secret. They don't have to let their significant other know. If the significant other remarks about the change in their partner, perhaps the enlightened individual can fill them in. Whichever direction it goes, it might sound something like this:

Martyr: "You've really been there for me lately. It makes me feel good knowing you're proactive and care as much as I do about the things that are priorities around here. It was tough for a while feeling like I was in it by myself but you seem to be getting it so much more now."

People-Pleaser: "I appreciate how hard you work and recognize that I can prioritize things that are mutually beneficial. We're a team and I want you to know I value that."

The people-pleaser would have to know the martyr well enough to decide whether or not it's wise to share their secret, but if they did, it might sound like this:

"You know, I realized that even if you don't talk about these things, I can ask or at least try to anticipate. Truthfully, it makes me feel good. I know the word "help" has negative connotations for you, but it means something different for me. I am motivated by service and I feel good when I know my actions are beneficial — even to both of us. If it gives you relief or makes you feel valued and supported, I'm happy to do it. Just know that asking me for "help" is not burdensome to me and it gives me an opportunity to serve. This is a clearer way to communicate with me than expecting me to meet unvoiced needs. If I fail to meet some expectation you haven't shared out of reluctance to seem like you're asking for "help," the criticism that results is much more hurtful because of my servant heart and thoughtful nature. Just because something hasn't occurred to me doesn't mean I don't care."

Or it could go this way, if the martyr's light bulb goes on first:

Martyr: "I was wondering if you could help me with some things this week. I know you already have a full plate but I'm struggling to get things done too, and I can't relax with all these loose ends distracting me. There are a few things around the house we need to get done and I was hoping you could help me put a dent in them so that we have more time to hang out together."

People-Pleaser: "Of course, I'd be happy to. Are there specific things I haven't thought of that would make your load lighter?"

Martyr: "Actually, yes. If I didn't have to pull the weeds out front, break down the cardboard for the recycling tonight, remember to turn on the sprinklers, and pick up a card for my brother, I would feel a little less stressed."

People-Pleaser: "No problem! I'll take care of it."

(At this point, the martyr could walk away from the situation satisfied and the people-pleaser could be puffed up with pride and eagerness. Every couple's reality and level of communication is different. Gender also sometimes plays a role in how far the communication progresses).

It could even continue:

People-Pleaser: "It's refreshing to have you actually communicating in straightforward terms the ways that I can contribute. What changed? You never used to ask for help."

Martyr: "Well, I'm not fond of the word help. I feel as though the shared responsibilities or priorities that benefit us both are not things that require help. To me, helping implies doing a favor for someone, like they owe you for it, or doing something that's normally just theirs and won't benefit you in any way. If there are a bunch of things that need to be accomplished around the home, they are for both of us, and if you don't realize what they are, I start to feel overwhelmed and alone. The stress makes me feel like you don't care. But I realize I can't expect you to anticipate everything that needs to be done or the way that I feel. I just don't want to burden you by asking, that's all. If you took it upon yourself, I would feel like it matters to you equally. I see now that you have a heart to serve people and that you enjoy feeling like you're contributing. So if explicitly asking for help is going to make it easier on us both, I can do that."

Most humans are not mind readers. We all carry programming and baggage of which we are largely unaware. Even the most self-reflective people can be completely aloof to the motivations, needs, and expectations they harbor, let alone those of another. Many of us don't know why we are the way we are, and no other reality has ever occurred to us. If you've ever talked to someone who makes you feel crazy, as though your night is their day or you're not seeing the same color sky, there is a lack of perspective on someone's part. Some people only receive and process information in one way. Others can't move past the delivery or the tone in which something was said. Still there are others who are so easily wounded that another's complaints or criticisms are all they see (and not the root of the frustration behind them). Regardless how skilled we are at interpreting, understanding, accepting, and reflecting, we have a responsibility in any relationship to represent at least one half of the dynamic. That means being willing to at least try to see from the other's perspective and then act on that information. If all we can comprehend is what our own programming dictates, then we're doomed for failed relationships until we meet someone with the same baggage, programming, processing styles, motivations, and communication habits as us.

So if you really want to help a martyr, don't use the word "help."

And if you really want a people-pleaser to step up and take action without prompting, don't act so put off by their offers to "help." Either that or get over the reluctance to prompt them by asking for assistance or voicing your expectations explicitly.

Kind of Kind

i am a work in progress. we all are. and if you don't think you are, you're probably wrong. you may not be an active participant in your progress, but it's still happening to you.

today is the first time i feel like i've made real forward progress in a long time. i've just been "stuck." of course things aren't all bad, but nothing's been really good, you know? like, i'm grateful for all the things i normally take for granted (such as breathing, shelter, health, food, income), but there isn't an element of my life that i feel really good about. i've been feeling confused, cloudy, disconnected, detached, unsure, sad, guilty, ashamed, depressed, and the list goes on.

i've been thinking a lot - it's not that i don't know i'm stuck - i've rolled countless ideas over and over in my mind like marbles...i've thought so deeply about certain things until i reached a point where it hurt to think. but no matter what, i couldn't seem to reach a point of resolution on anything, and i felt like i was watching myself from overhead, paralyzed. telling myself to move, like that scene in Kill Bill where Uma Thurman wills herself to wiggle her big toe, just wasn't working - and i was beating myself up over the futility of my own efforts.

i'm a resilient person with a relatively quick bounce-back rate. i don't normally stay "in a funk" for very long. but this is different. this feels like my whole life is in some weird, transitional stasis and it's almost like i'm molting or shedding my skin. like i'll wake up one day with a new identity or a set of wings i didn't know i had (which would be pretty cool). i just wish it wouldn't take so darn long. and i wish i knew what was coming so i could prepare. but that's kind of missing the point, isn't it?

anyway, this post is celebratory. today, for the first time in a while, i was kind to myself. not the kind of kindness where you make concessions that you'll feel guilty about later, like "i was planning on going to the gym but i really just want to sit on the couch and eat cookie dough, so i'm going to do that instead." no, that's not what i'm talking about (though i've done a bit of over-indulging lately, too - hey, a time and a place for everything, right?)

today i was the kind of kind where i finally listened to what my body needed (not what i felt like doing or not doing because of self-pity or laziness), and it felt really good to actually be in tune with myself for once, especially since i've been so out of it lately. trudging through the days and nights, not even able to hear that annoying little voice that's always on - it's actually been kind of alarming. and anyone who knows me knows i can't just live in the quiet. of course i have to try to think and think until the little voice comes back.

well i don't know if i was hearing myself again today or if i just finally surrendered and gave myself permission to be nice to myself, but it felt awesome. i woke up when i wanted to, got out of bed when i felt like it, made breakfast and coffee which i enjoyed outside on my patio, and then i did something phenomenal. i got changed into my workout clothes and went exploring outdoors. i've been making every excuse in the book to shrug off exercise and going outside. not enough time, don't feel well, don't want to push myself, other things i need to do...and today i actually felt this urge to go feel nature. and i did it.

i wandered through my development, heading in the general direction of the lake, and found my own way around the whole thing, enjoying all the scenery along the way. i passed many of the different kinds of cute homes here in the community, i passed the different stacks of canoes at the various lake entry points, i passed trail markers pointing out the hikes through the woods (miles of land intended only for residents of this community), and i had my eyes on the lake the whole time.

finally i came up to a real beach, which i never knew was here! there were people sitting out in beach chairs just sunning, people canoeing, and a couple of nice shady areas. i was so thrilled! if i'd known there was a beach here, i would've gone a few times! i haven't had much time to take day trips to the beach this summer and i've actually only gone once or twice, so this is great. i continued wandering out past the beach and found my way to these magical garden homes down a dead-end road that you wouldn't even know existed from outside the community. as i kept walking, smiling and waving at my neighbors and admiring all the different types of patios and driveways and shrubbery they've chosen, i came up to an area with tennis courts, beach volleyball, basketball courts, a pool, and some other amenities.

feeling excited and childlike for the first time in i-don't-know-how-long, i started venturing back in the direction of my place again, mildly surprised at my navigational abilities and the fact that i hadn't gotten lost yet. i actually felt and acknowledged how good the breeze felt. i inhaled deeply, allowing myself to smell the trees and flowers and feel my lungs fill with fresh air. i felt my movements, i felt my heart beating, i felt my blood flowing. i felt. for the first time in a long time, i wasn't numb.

i came home and put on the ceiling fan and some soothing music and did some stretching and mild exercise - only what felt good, stopping when my body told me to stop (not when my mind or lower back told me to, not when it got hard to breathe or keep my balance - but when i actually somehow knew i had done enough). i paid attention to my breathing and the feeling of the circulating air grazing my skin. i listened to the music and focused on my movements. i took a long, hot shower and acknowledged how good it felt. every exhale felt like i was releasing something different. i felt more than clean, i felt cleansed.

then i did something astonishing. i took some 'before' pictures of myself, as though i'm about to embark on some sort of physical transformation (at the end of which the natural thing to do would be to take 'after' pictures). i haven't liked what i've seen in the mirror in way too long. and i still didn't like it today - but i didn't cringe and look away. i didn't tell myself i was gross. i didn't call myself names and put myself down. today i looked at my reflection, documented it, and felt kind of excited. i told myself "i'll get better. one step at a time." today i accepted myself instead of ignoring myself. instead of either shoving my feelings to the back of my mind and replacing them with something destructive, or being super mean to myself and then soothing myself with something that would only make me feel guilty and ashamed, i released my opinions of myself and proceeded with positivity (or at least gentle neutrality). huge!

not having plans or needing to be anywhere felt amazing. i moved as slowly as i wanted to, like time wasn't some collector calling. when thoughts of work poked into my head, i nudged them out. not today, not now. this is my time. work will be here again soon enough, but i don't have to pay attention to it or give into it today. i did some spa treatments on my face, made some good food, practiced some light meditation-type exercises, and now i'm feeling lighter and calmer as i recount my day up to this point.

the funny thing about being numb and stuck is that it's not very calming. as a matter of fact, you can feel numb, stuck, and disconnected but still have this buzzing anxiety cementing you in place, blocking everything else. you aren't devoid of energy, you're just not moving energy - not giving or receiving. maybe it's a method of protection that becomes engaged when your mind and body have spent too much time in a negative state. perhaps when those toxic emotions and thoughts have ganged up on your psyche to the point of literally poisoning you and making you sick, your subconscious shuts you down to protect you. maybe this was my "higher self" telling me that i'd had enough of my regularly scheduled programming and that it was taking the remote away from me for a while.

i'm not all hunky-dory now, i don't feel like i've walked through an endless cave and out into the light, but i feel like i've actually moved. i wasn't hard on myself today - my inner monologue changed from criticizing myself about not getting things done and not pushing myself hard enough to nothing else occurring to me as important besides this nourishment i was receiving. today has been the first time i've actually been open to receiving anything, from myself and my surroundings. it was such a good feeling. i wasn't anxious and annoyed about not running errands or plugging away at some project for hours. i didn't feel pressed for time or like time was running out. i felt like i was in control and i was owning the day. that is real progress for me.

there's still a long road ahead of me, i can sense it. i'm not too sure what's waiting for me around this really big corner, or when i'll find myself on the other side of it. but today i feel a little bit of peace, a little bit of calm, and a little less worry. today i feel like i unpacked, in a sense; like my bags aren't as heavy. i know it'll all be ok in the end, and if it's not ok, it's not the end. i am trying to accept that i will never know everything and will never be able to predict the future. i'm trying to relinquish control in many areas, and be ok with slowing down each moment and really listening to myself, observing others, and relishing authenticity in all of my choices. i'm not going to be a victim of myself anymore.

i still feel confused and hesitant, many things are still unclear. i still have questions, and there are still things weighing on my heart and mind. but it's different now, and i don't know what changed. for some reason i woke up and gave in to the urge to be kind to myself, and i'm so glad i did.

tonight i will celebrate this feeling of being the tiniest bit un-stuck. and i will thank myself for being kind to me. tonight i will sleep soundly and peacefully, and i hope that tomorrow i can continue to resist waging war on myself, armed with this new sense of self-acceptance to protect me against my own harsh self-criticism, fear, guilt, shame, sadness, and sabotage.

tonight i'm celebrating a lesson that it feels like i'm learning for the first time. that it's ok (and quite necessary) to put yourself first and listen to what it is your body and soul are asking of you. that your mind doesn't have to rule your every action through the veil of obligation and duty, tricking you into self-sacrifice or self-sabotage. that the simplest things can give you nourishment when you feel so gray and tepid. like moving. and air. and sunshine. and breathing.

thanks, me. you're pretty cool. i hope we get to spend more time together. and i hope you don't get lost again as i'm sorting through all this crap right now, because i'd like to have you there to guide me through it. i'm so grateful that you were nice to me today. i needed that.

sincerely,

a work in progress

My 15 Must-Have Beauty Staples

Before you start reading this in hopes of finding some People Magazine-worthy article similar to "What's in (insert celebrity name here)'s Beauty Bag?" I have to give you a few little disclaimers:

Me. See? Super normal.

1. I'm not what you would call a beauty expert or a makeup pro: I air-dry my hair, wear it in a sloppy bun and forego makeup 9 days out of 10
2. I only recommend products that I've personally used for a good bit of time and have grown to love - it's not about brand name or price for me; it's about effectiveness and quality 
3. The only products on this list that I am compensated to endorse are Nerium products, but I'm not here to sell you anything and I don't make money by talking about any of these other products.  I just love them!

Now, let's get onto it. Here are some of my favorites that I keep coming back to, time and again, with the occasional Birchbox item thrown into the mix (by the way, if you haven't tried Birchbox, you MUST). So, in no particular order of favoritism:

The entire NeriumAD line (which is currently in the midst of introducing new products and undergoing a complete rebranding - we're excited!): NeriumAD Age-Defying Night Treatment; its sidekick, NeriumAD Age-Defying Day Cream; and NeriumFirm Body Contouring Cream.

Let's start with the night cream.  NeriumAD is a simple, one-step solution for multiple skin issues (perfect for lazy/busy/forgetful people like myself), which addresses the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, pore size, discoloration, sun damage, and aging or loose/sagging skin. I was introduced to this product by an esthetician whose opinion I trust, and I quickly got hooked. Before you say "I don't have time for a routine," Nerium isn't a regimen! Say goodbye to those 4 or 10-step systems that give you a separate product for wrinkles, eyes, skin tone, de-puffing, etc.  This one little bottle does it all!

Anyway, I'm not quite 30, so I wasn't really in search of an anti-aging product. But I've always had large pores and oily skin, and I was starting to notice some sun damage and uneven skin tone and texture. Like most people, I had a drawer full of half-used bottles of impulse buys - lotions and potions that claimed to work wonders and ended up in the product purgatory that was my bathroom. It's disappointing when this happens, because some of these items were expensive and I even had adverse reactions to a couple of them - but we all know you can't get a refund on used cosmetic products. 

My 30-day Results with NeriumAD

When I tried the NeriumAD Night Treatment, I liked how different it felt. Unlike anything I've ever tried, there's no water in it, there's no perfume-y fragrance, and the list of ingredients was surprisingly free of harsh chemicals. An entirely botanical product, NeriumAD smells exactly like a plant, which was refreshing to me. It made me wonder what I'd really been putting on my face all these years while I was enjoying the scent of strawberries and perfume (NOT natural, FYI!)

NeriumAD Night Treatment is a mask, so you apply it to a clean, damp face (damp being the important word here), and you instantly feel a tightening sensation and think "ooh it's working." The best part is that you don't have to change your current facial cleanser - so keep using whatever your favorite product is, as long as it's not anything harsh. The product changes as it dries - it goes on kind of yellowish-tan and the botanical scent is noticeable (I liken it to the smell of cucumber or green tea). But as it dries, the scent fades and so does the color - when applied correctly, NeriumAD dries into a transparent mask that you can barely see, unless you get it in your eyebrows (no green face here!) and then you go to sleep. For anyone not used to sleeping with a face mask, the first night or two can take some getting used to, but after more than a year now, it's like second nature. 

My 30-day Results with NeriumAD

When you wake up in the morning, you simply rinse off the mask with warm water - no need to wash with soap again - and towel dry. Then you can follow up with an (optional) application of NeriumAD Age-Defying Day Cream, which is my favorite of the three topical Nerium products. The day cream is a very light, quick-absorbing moisturizer with no fragrance. In addition, it's also loaded with beneficial ingredients that complement those of the night treatment (and actually turbo-charge the skin-improving results). To name a few, there's the patented ingredient, NAE-8, Nerium's globally exclusive, patented super-antioxidant. Then there's the proprietary protein blend, a peptide matrix and collagen, hyaluronic acid (the same stuff they put in all those fancy spa treatments and fillers), vitamin C, aloe, and more. 

When I tell you it's not greasy, I mean it. I'm someone who used to have chronically oily skin and without ever wearing makeup or moisturizer, I'd have an oil slick on my face by the end of each day. Blotting papers, anyone? The night cream has diminished my pores and decreased my oiliness, and the day cream gives me a healthy glow that gets me lots of compliments on my complexion.  As if I wasn't thrilled already, I noticed my fine lines were disappearing (added bonus). I didn't have many, but I had the beginnings of some forehead lines and a few sneaky ones forming under my eyes (see before and after pictures above). Now? Barely there. And no more orange-peel skin with pores the size of freckles. Winning!

NeriumFirm on thighs - results 90 days or less

Now onto the juicy stuff: the NeriumFirm body contouring cream.  This stuff is liquid gold! With more than six active key ingredients, NeriumFirm is clinically proven to reduce the appearance of loose and sagging skin, cellulite and dimpling. My friends who use it have also reported improvements in the appearance of stretch marks and scars, but Nerium doesn't endorse such claims. Anyway, this miracle in a bottle is also simple to use: apply twice a day to problem areas (heads up: it will work best on exfoliated, damp skin - think post-shower after using a scrub and a loofah), massage into skin for 20-30 seconds, and voila! You're on your way to smoother, tighter skin from head to toe. 

NeriumFirm Body Contour Cream
NeriumAD Age-Defying Night Treatment
NeriumAD Age-Defying Day Cream

Like any beauty blog, I have to divulge how much these products cost and where you can get them. Of course, since Nerium is a relationship marketing company, you can only purchase it through an independent brand partner (like myself). If you see Nerium on Amazon, eBay, or any other online sales site do NOT buy it! For one thing, people are faking the product by diluting it or even replacing it with water or lotion and trying to pass it off as Nerium. These imposters often sell the fake product for a lower price, which is why people fall for it, but believe me: you can NOT trust the integrity of the product when ordering from anywhere besides a brand partner's website.

Furthermore, let me do you a favor by warning you that you would forfeit Nerium's unprecedented 30-day money back guarantee by ordering from an un-reputable source. Yes, that's right, Nerium will let you use an entire bottle, a 30-day supply, of any of its products AND they'll refund your money if you're dissatisfied for any reason. What?! I dare you to walk into Sephora or Lancôme with an empty bottle of high-end product and ask for a refund! 

So what does it cost? Nerium's prices are in-the-moment. The night treatment sells for $80, the day cream and night cream combo pack costs $120, and the NeriumFirm costs $80. Or, if that's too steep for you (but really it's a steal), you can get your products for free on an ongoing basis.  Just refer three customers to Nerium and you'll get your order free for as long as they remain customers. How's that for a loyalty program? I assure you, I'm definitely not getting my Birchbox subscription for free (or any of these other products, for that matter), even though I've told countless friends. For more information talk to your local Nerium brand partner, visit Nerium's website, or if you heard it here first, check out www.championj.nerium.com and tell your friends! Referrals always appreciated and in some cases, rewarded!

Moving on, let's jump to the products I don't get paid to endorse. My next wonder item is Caudalie Divine Oil. This stuff is just delicious (but not in the edible sense, so please don't drink it)! I first received a tiny sample of Divine Oil from Sephora as part of my online order (for anyone who has been living under a rock, Sephora generously rewards any online order with three free samples - one of the perks of avoiding the busy mall and shopping in your pajamas). From the moment I tried this stuff I knew life just wouldn't be the same.

Caudalie Divine Oil - $32 at Sephora

Caudalie is a French brand known for its luxurious beauty products. Divine Oil is made from grapeseed oil and the bottle says it can be applied to skin, hair and face. I only use it on my cuticles, hands and elbows, but I'm obsessed. I carry it in my purse and use it every day. As a frequent hand washer, my hands dry out a lot and sometimes lotion just doesn't do the trick. You may be thinking oil would be greaser than lotion, but this is a dry oil! It absorbs right into your skin with just a few seconds of rubbing, and a little goes a looooong way! I only need about a drop per finger, so the bottle lasts forever, and I don't have to reapply each time I wash my hands because it penetrates into the skin (whereas a lot of lotions sit on the surface of your skin and wash right off).

I also frequently get my nails done (my only regular girly indulgence), and using the Divine Oil daily makes my nails look better (no white, dry cuticles) and seems to help my manicures last longer. It also has a neutral, pleasant, powdery aroma. The tiny sample I received was the size of a perfume tester, and lasted me well over a month with regular use. Then I purchased the 1.7 ounce size, which is perfect for a purse or carry-on, and will last months. They have a larger size too, in case you use it all over your body and need a lifetime supply. Sephora sells Caudalie Divine Oil for $9 in a half-ounce tester bottle, and $32 for the 1.7 ounce bottle.  Either way, you can't lose!

Living Proof "Full" hair products: endorsed by Jennifer Aniston, you may be familiar with this luxe line. If you ask me, I'll use anything she uses. I'd use Aveeno too, if I liked it. But anyway, I have super fine hair. And I have a lot of it, but it doesn't look thick and full because it's so fine. I'll wash it in the morning and it's greasy before bedtime. I usually let it air dry, like I said, because I'm low maintenance (aka lazy). But even when I do get all dolled up and go the extra mile to blow dry my hair, I end up having to use countless volumizing products and that gets tiring.

Travel Kit - $29 at Sephora

Again, Living Proof was another free sample from Sephora (are you sold on the benefits of online shopping yet?) that I loved. I use their entire Full line - the shampoo, conditioner, volumizing mousse, thickening cream, styling mist, and the Prime style extender. These products make my blow-out last much longer than it normally does with all the other products I've tried, and my hair looks more lush and soft without any of the textural mishaps that can happen with some products. Huge fan. No sulfates or crazy fragrance, although I don't mind a nice fragrance in my hair products, but at least it feels healthy and won't clash with my perfume. The full-size shampoo and conditioner go for $24 each, so it's a splurge for sure, but worth it even if you only use it on the weekends.  And since I don't do my hair often, I found a way to stretch my dollars by purchasing the travel kit instead of the full sizes of the other products I mentioned. For $29 you get all those lovely items, and they're small enough to take anywhere.

By now you're probably wondering if I'm ever going to recommend a product that you can find at your local drug store. And the answer is yes! This next item is another lucky find for hair-challenged girls like me. It's called Not Your Mother's Clean Freak dry shampoo. Now, I've tried all kinds of dry shampoos, from the most expensive and luxurious to the cheapest. Some brands leave a white residue or a film behind, which is even worse for a dark-haired girl than having greasy hair in the first place. I'm a brunette with very dark hair, and I don't do hats, so dry shampoo literally saves me on an almost daily basis.

Not Your Mother's brand is inexpensive ($4.74 at Walmart to $6 or $7 at other drug stores, for the full size). It is a powdery spray but it goes on feeling moist, so something about it causes the powder to absorb into your locks better than a pure powder that you just sprinkle on.  It's not like a baby powder at all. The aerosol container is lightweight and unmistakable in its white and green packaging. If you spray it too close to your head you will notice some white residue, but it's easily brushed out or rubbed in within seconds. This is the only dry shampoo brand out of almost ten that I've tried and purchased more than twice, and the only one that leaves my hair looking clean, reinvigorated, and somewhat volumized. And the perfect-for-your-purse (or carry-on) travel size is only about $3!

Moving right along, let's talk about a nice facial cleanser for all skin types (in case you're looking for something to use before applying your NeriumAD, wink wink): BioElements Flash Foam facial cleanser is another salon-quality product that I received from an esthetician, but you can get it online as well.  I've seen it sold for anywhere from $20-36, but one bottle will last you 4-8 MONTHS! No joke! You only need one to two pumps of this foam to cleanse your entire face, neck, and décolleté.

This lightweight cleanser is perfect for sensitive and even dry skin types, and it also removes makeup.  It gently exfoliates with pumpkin, papaya, and pineapple extracts, as well as green tea, vitamin B5, and orange oil.  It's light and fresh, easy and quick, and perfect for the shower or before bed.  Tip: leave it on for 3-5 minutes until the bubbles start tickling your face.  

So, can we move on to eyes? Because really, how important are your eyes, right?!
Whenever I actually take the time to put makeup on, it's my eyes that I focus on.  I'm not a foundation and bronzer kind of girl.  However, I do love eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara, brow pencil, highlighter, and anything shimmery.  So, for a long time, I would do my makeup and then get frustrated a few hours later when everything was either smudging off or creased.  I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong!

Smashbox 24 Hour Photo
Finish Shadow Primer

So I did what any sensible girl would do, and I crowd-sourced my problem to my girlfriends. Actually, to be honest, I crowd-sourced it to Facebook, but only my girlfriends responded.  It would've been pretty cool if a dude schooled me in makeup application tips, though.  But I digress...Low and behold, my savvy gal pals all recommended eyeshadow primer! A few different brand names floated around, and luckily I was able to get a sample of Smashbox brand from Sephora.  And it made all the difference! It's just a transparent base, kind of like a thinner/more pliable texture than clay, and I use my fingertips or the tip of one of those wedge sponges to smear it across my eyelids (from eyelash to eyebrow!) You can dab it under your eyes too before you put any concealer there to cover up dark circles, if that's your thing.  Anyway, my eye makeup now goes on richer, smoother, and lasts all day/night without creasing and smudging! Yay! Pretty sure it retails for around $20, but it's well worth every penny!

And while we're on the subject of eyes, there is one more direct sales/relationship marketing product that I love, and I do not sell it.  It's from Younique and it's called Moodstruck 3D Fiber Lash Mascara. (If you want some, I have several friends who sell it, just contact me and I'll hook you up with someone).  I tried this mascara while at a vendor event supporting my friend's daughter's dance team.  I saw a lady applying this to people (which I thought was a nice approach instead of just asking people to buy it without seeing for themselves what it can do) and I got in line.  Even though I already had day-old eye makeup on (oops) which included several coats of dried mascara, the 3D fiber mascara added length and volume to my lashes.  I bought some and took it home and fell in love.

Younique Moodstruck 3D Fiber Lash
Mascara $29

The cool thing about this mascara is that there's actual fibers in it that adhere to your lashes.  First you apply a coat or two of your normal mascara (I love Cover Girl Lash Blast).  Then you apply the Younique Transplanting Gel and while it's still wet, immediately apply the 3D Fibers.  It's pretty fool-proof, but a Younique representative could give you tips and tricks on how to best apply for an optimal look.  You can layer the coats of gel and fibers, and when I do so, my lashes are WAYYYYY bigger and longer than if I just wore regular mascara.  And it's not hard to get off (nothing like waterproof mascara).  

Now onto the lips.  I've managed to somehow find the gold mine of lip products
(and I am very picky about my lip cosmetics, as low maintenance as I claim to be!) The thing that irks me most about lipstick and lip gloss is that most of them change when they've been on for a while. If you eat or drink, brush your teeth or lick your lips, or just forget to reapply and let it dry out, most lip gloss and lipstick will flake, feather, clump, get tacky/goopy, or dry and chap your lips. No thanks. Dry lips and dry hands are two things I can't deal with!

Makeup Forever Rouge Artist
Natural in Copper Pink (N9)

But, thanks again to Sephora's free sample and VIB program, I have found two lip products that I absolutely adore. The first one is a lipstick by the brand Makeup Forever. The particular shade I use is called Copper Pink (N9), but I'm sure I'd like it in many of the other shades as well. It's a silky but not overly oily lip color, that can be applied coat by coat depending on the desired level of opacity. With one thin swipe you get a nice transparent-looking stain. With a back-and-forth application you get a creamy, rich color. This shade is a nice-but-not-overbearing, earthy red - perfect for fair-skinned girls with dark hair and light eyes - it's more of an understated crimson than a bold fire engine red, and you could definitely get away with wearing it to work in the daytime. 

I don't wear lipstick often, so the sample size is perfect for me and doesn't take up too much room in my clutch when I go out. Now that cell phones are so huge (iPhone 6 Plus or Galaxy Note, anyone?), it's important to have mini cosmetics on hand for touch ups without having to carry a huge bag. And it layers nicely over or under your favorite lip balm if you like a moisture barrier, but it's supple enough to hold its own. For a free sample, I have been extremely pleased with how long it's lasting me and I will definitely by a full-sized version in another color when I'm done. Sephora sells this for $20, which is not bad at all for a high-end brand.

Smashbox Be Legendary
Long-Wear Lip Lacquer
in Coral

The second lip product I've been loving is a Smashbox gloss.
I got a sample in a fun coral color, and it's THE most amazing gloss I've ever used (and I'm a prolific lip gloss user!) It's got high-impact color, but it doesn't come off when you eat, drink, or kiss! For a product with serious staying power, it doesn't dry out your pout when the gloss itself dries. It does stain your lips a little, so be prepared to have a bit of lasting color the next morning unless you scrub it all off, but it doesn't clump, fade, bleed, or transfer! I apply this over a lipstick or balm just to have a barrier so that my lips don't get as stained, but the color is strong enough to be used by itself. On the Sephora site the full-size gloss retails for $24.



Ok, back to skincare. Unless you can afford to get facials regularly, you probably don't do much for your skin on a deep level. I found Origins' Active Charcoal Mask and immediately went back and bought more after using it just one time! The sample-size single-use pods are perfect to take on the go (I don't know about you, but my skin freaks out when I travel), and they're a quick and painless way to pay less for the benefits of a facial. The mask is made with active charcoal, so it goes on black (unless you want to give someone a good scare, don't answer the door until you rinse it off!)

Origins Clear Improvement Active
Charcoal Mask to clear pores

First wash your face with hot water. To go the extra mile, press a hot, damp washcloth to your face for a few minutes to open your pores. Then apply the charcoal mask with clean fingers in an even layer all over your face. A sample pod comes with enough for a generous application, and I definitely recommend using it all! But if you buy a bottle, I'd say use a quarter-sized amount.  It's fragrance free (guy friendly) and dries within 10-15 minutes. Once it's dry, gently scrub off with a washcloth, one quadrant of your face at a time, rinsing the washcloth after scrubbing from each area of your face. The active charcoal pulls impurities from your pores and oxygenates your face, leaving it soft and glowing, with noticeably clearer pores and fewer blackheads. You can find Origins products online or at fine retailers, and the charcoal mask retails for $17-25, depending which size you want.

Boscia Luminizing Black Mask

There's another black mask that I love, but it's really more of a peel. It's by Boscia, and it dries into a shiny, almost patent leather-like mask, which then peels away (you'll still have to scrub off some of the excess). This is like a Biore pore strip in liquid form for your whole face. You apply it the same way as the charcoal mask (and likewise avoid answering the door), but it literally peels off like tape. When you start pulling away sections of the plastic-like mask, you'll notice the contents of your once-clogged pores stuck to the side of the peel that was against your skin. It has the same effect that a lint roller has on a sweater - peel it away and see all the lint and hair stuck to the tape. Use this once a month with your favorite pore strips (or in place of them), and you'll notice fewer breakouts and be less tempted to poke at your skin. Boscia makes pore strips meant to accompany this peel, and you can get the set at Sephora or other skincare retailers, but the 2.8 ounce tube of the mask/peel by itself sells for $34 at Sephora.

Dr. Jart Black Label Detox
BB Beauty Balm

Remember when I said I'm not a foundation and bronzer kind of girl? Well I do, from time to time, like to apply a thin veil of mineral powder or matte cover-up powder sometimes, and I find it works best over BB cream (a very thin layer of BB cream). Well, I love Dr. Jart's Black Label Detox Beauty Balm. Yes, this was another free sample from Sephora, how'd you guess?! This particular BB cream is a purifying formula with a 5-in-one perfecting look.  It contains caviar and antioxidants, as well as SPF 25 for sun exposure.  Now, I am prone to oily skin, so I always mix my BB cream with my NeriumAD Age-Defying Day Cream. Not only does this thin out the BB cream a bit, but it makes it go on more transparent (I'm pale and I don't like having tan-looking lines from using tinted moisturizers).

Surprisingly, this is a one-shade-fits-all product which claims to blend perfectly to your skin tone, and it does work for me on my pale skin.  I always look even and airbrushed when I wear this - and I usually just sweep a light powder over it with a kabuki brush. Sephora sells this for $18-36, in two sizes.

Josie Maran Bear Naked Wipes, $12

And what girl doesn't need some kind of miracle fix for her nails (or toenails) on the go every now and then?! I always paint my toenails a bright color for spring or whenever I'll be wearing sandals or just hanging out in flip flops.  And I got sick of trying to fit cotton balls, q-tips, nail sticks, and nail polish remover in my travel bag every time I went somewhere.  Is it just me, or do toenails seem to chip easily? Then I found these: Josie Maran Bear Naked Nail Wipes.  These little babies are like those eye-makeup remover towelettes (another fave) but for your nails! And they work great! Plus a portion of the proceeds gets donated to helping save endangered polar bears.  Awww.  So be a good person and buy them!

Well, there you have it! A normal girl's recommendations for fabulous skin, hair, makeup, and nails! Hopefully you'll love these items as much as I do! Please feel free to comment and let me know, or tell me about other items you love!

They Say it's Your Birthday!

Da na na na na na na na they say it's your birthday! That Beatles song always pops into my head, every year when I wake up on my birthday.  I think my friend Liz hates that song, haha. 

Anyway, on this 28th anniversary of my birth, which officially began at 8:12 this morning, I am reminded that although birthdays are like our own personal holidays (especially for us Christmas babies), each year they should mean more and more.

See, for most people, the excitement fades with each year.  For some it is replaced by dread.  Many people feel that it's "just another day" and no reason for fanfare or to be treated any differently.  Well I say screw that!  It is NOT just another day, and you should most definitely be treated exceptionally. 

We are all unique, like fingerprints.  Our birthdays are reminders that we should be celebrated, and we should celebrate ourselves.  Most of us get so caught up in the every-day pressure of cramming 36 hours' worth of life into a 24-hour sized package.  We beat ourselves up, we put others first, and we definitely don't take care of ourselves the way we should.

Especially for the ones who feel guilty doing so, birthdays are a time when it's totally appropriate to pamper yourself or do whatever the heck you want - like take off work just to sit around and do nothing.  I've heard people ridicule others for taking off work on the day of their birthday.  I feel sorry for them! If you want to work on your birthday, that's your prerogative, but I'm not going to sit here and praise your work ethic.  If you don't feel like celebrating yourself, then fine.  But I hope you'll let your loved ones celebrate you!

Not all birthdays are milestones, and they say "it's all downhill from ___" (insert year).  But they're all mile markers.  They're all place holders.  They're all like bookmarks, reminding us that we're lucky to see another year, to look back on all we've accomplished and all that we still want to do and to give ourselves a clean slate.  The day of your birthday is like a free space in Bingo or restarting your computer.  You get to unwrap a shiny new year, day 1 of 365, to make a difference and make it count. 

Along with being loved and appreciated, your birthday is an opportunity to love and appreciate where you came from, those who made you, all of the people who care about you, and everything that makes you who you are.  People who don't like birthdays are like grinches and scrooges who don't like Christmas, in my opinion.  Don't think of it as another year older, think of it as another year more awesome, and more you.  Thank all the people who are thankful for you and savor that feeling of being reminded abundantly that the world is a better place with you in it. 

Thanks everyone, for remembering me on my birthday.  :)

Thanksgiving

Today I'm thankful for my struggles.  I'm thankful for the hard times.  I want to take a few minutes to reflect on everything that's brought me this far and to own what I'm going through now. 

Sometimes in life we reach a turning point, a fork in the road.  We know that we can allow ourselves to be complacent and comfortable, settle into our same-old same, and cease the search for more and better.  We all know that tricky feeling of "maybe this is as good as it gets, maybe this is where I'm supposed to be."  Many of us fear leaving that comfort behind, even if only temporarily, to challenge our own beliefs and views, to open our eyes to new experiences and horizons, and to push ourselves to change, grow, adapt, learn, pray, trust, ask for help, and forgive. 

Even when we do have it good and are thankful for our situations and the people and blessings in our lives, we are still painfully human.  What I mean is, no matter how much gratitude we practice, no matter how well we think we embody or deserve all that we have, we can be utterly oblivious to the obstacles that we put in our own way of truly and responsibly living and loving with everything we have.

Yes, I said the obstacles that we put in our way.  In that familiar place of complacency, we fool ourselves.  We naively think we're doing the best we can.  But in that belief we can be our own worst enemies.  We're rarely doing the best that we can.  There's always room to do better, there's a limitless amount of space that will allow each of us to grow beyond our wildest dreams and make our lives more than we could've ever imagined.  But instead of embracing and owning where and who we are, we allow ourselves to walk around thinking we're bigger than we are because we find comfort in that and because it covers up our fear of failing to meet our own expectations and make our dreams reality.

That sense of frustration we feel, that internal conflict and struggle we face when things don't go our way, that's a message.  And too often we cross our own wires to prevent the message from getting through.  Whether it's inconvenient or painful or flattening or dismantling, we protect our pride and our egos, we protect our hearts, and we limit our potential and rob the ones that we love of our true hearts.  When we blame circumstance and others, when we internalize and withdraw, when we defend and fight, we put up walls and we disgrace ourselves.  That is the opposite of humility and openness, two essential elements of growth and happiness.

Sometimes, in order to break out of the denial we're wrapped in, we have to make drastic changes in our lives.  We have to rip the fabric of routine and familiarity in order to give ourselves room to receive, to awaken, to enlighten, to cleanse, to let go, to rejuvenate, to open, and to see.  When we make ourselves uncomfortable and force ourselves to adapt, dig deep, and find strength, then healing and self-love become possible.  Only when we cultivate an environment of change can our senses and mind be heightened in ways we didn't know we needed. 

Whether we remove ourselves from a shaky equation and cut it in half, hoping to reunite its factors and solidify it, risking losing that half of ourselves forever; whether we close a chapter in our story that hurts to leave behind in order to be able to turn a new page; whether we open old wounds and let them bleed so that they can finally heal, instead of continuing to bandage and ignore them; whether we finally begin to embrace where we've been and what we've done and own our truths instead of being ashamed of our scars and mistakes...

When we do any of these things, we hit the reset button.

Insert your own metaphor here, but failure to do the work necessary to facilitate your own blossoming is to deny yourself an opportunity for true happiness, to steal from yourself an encounter with unconditional love.  So be thankful for the pain, because it will fade away and refresh you.  Pain is temporary, and it will only make you stronger.  Be thankful for the chance to feel and to understand and to see clearly.  Be thankful for the opportunity to see that yes, you may have been wrong.  You may have hurt people.  You may have screwed up.  But that path led you to this moment to make peace with that, own it, and make your future different. And in doing so, you can really give yourself to the ones you love, and the ones who are still standing there loving you, in the way that they desire and deserve.

Be thankful for the struggles.  They are some of the biggest blessings of all.  And be thankful for the chance to hit the reset button.

Ditch the Armor

 

Not terribly long ago, a dear friend kindly explained to me how brightly I shine, but pointed out the caveat that I'm prone to projecting this sort of tough-girl façade, which only takes away from my natural light and likeability.  Feeling incredibly exposed and caught off guard, I reflected on my friend's statements for some time; both touched and bewildered. 

You see, this front of mine, this virtual armor, if you will, is something I've been building and wearing for years, and it used to be voluntary and intermittent, only applied when necessary.  But I suppose after a while it became second nature, a permanent part of me, like a skin graft so undetectable that it was barely worth pointing out.  Little did I know I was wearing it around like an obnoxious fur coat or bright red leather pants; this huge chip on my shoulder had become so obtuse and bulky that I was the only one I was fooling.  I should have known that a true friend can always see through the armor. 

Let's not rewind through time and get into why and how this persona I'd developed over the years came to be.  Instead, let's focus on the fact that it was brought to light, it has been nurtured and fed entirely too long, and I don't want to enable it anymore.  I don't want to keep adding chunks of metal onto this shield, becoming more and more hardened, increasingly impervious to whatever it is I'm attempting to protect myself from.  No more "tough girl" for me.  Not that it was ever intentional, not that it's how I wanted to be perceived, but there are times when people create characters, extensions of themselves, to distract from what's truly there, to defend against the elements and the harsh possibilities presented by a reality that they're scared to be a part of.

Metaphorically speaking, maybe I subconsciously thought that my shiny armor made me more captivating, attractive, or intriguing in some way.  Maybe I gleaned some false sense of security from it, thinking that I had an advantage over anyone I encountered because I could see them in their natural state but I - I was a mystery.  Maybe I didn't realize that my armor was only partial and that it didn't extend like chain mail down my arms and legs, so that people could still see the beating heart I wore on my sleeve.  Truth is, I'm sick of carrying the shield around. It's heavy, it's dragging me down, and it's dulling my shine. 

I don't want to live behind this wall anymore.  I want to extend the same grace and kindness to everyone I meet.  I want to allow myself to be open to the world and all the experiences it has to offer, even if that means allowing myself to be vulnerable, to accept the possibility of being hurt (as opposed to pretending that absolutely nothing can hurt me because I won't let anyone get that close), and throwing caution to the wind, leaping with my eyes closed.  I want to give and to love freely, I want to remember what it feels like to be the kind of beautiful that only comes when you are truly and unapologetically yourself, without being tainted by the concern of others' perceptions or opinions.  I want to love and give without assuming that someone is incapable of doing the same for me.  I don't want to feed into preconceived notions based on fear and insecurity and past hurt.  I want to forgive, let go, trust. 

The following words and ideas aren't mine, and I'm sure they've been spoken many times throughout history, but I thought they were fitting for what I'm feeling:

• Change is a prerequisite to growth
• Change hurts
• Change humbles
• Change requires coming clean
• Change is illuminating
• Change can be facilitated by loss, grief, suffering, desperation
• Change is purifying

Small Victories

Sometimes losing means winning. Many blessings are often disguised as hardships, such as loss. Loss of a job, which forces you to take control of your life and make decisions that push you outside of your comfort zone, perhaps landing you a job doing something you love and thereby greatly improving the quality of your life.

Loss of a loved one, which is always tragic, can sometimes shed new light on a dream or a purpose. You always see people who defend noble causes in honor of a loved one, and what starts as paying homage to the memory of their life ends up helping thousands of people in similar situations and realizing a higher calling.

Loss of a relationship, loss of a home, loss of health. All losses can have silver linings if we choose to see them. They can forge unity and strength, community and triumph. They can be the wake-up calls we need to promote change within our own lives, showing us we've been taking things for granted, "doing it wrong."

Today though I'm talking about something much smaller. However, my recent loss still represents an issue with great challenges. Sometimes we try something and fail over and over, perceiving instability or fearing one result or another. I'm talking about weight loss.

For many people weight loss signifies a huge life change. Most people, especially those who have never struggled with weight, view weight loss as a simple choice and a superficial change to one's physical appearance. But the changes are not purely physical. They are as psychological as they are bodily. Metaphorically speaking, weight loss represents for many people the purging of some sort of emotional baggage. Replacing it with strength and resolve. Filling the void with confidence instead of seeking comfort through the pursuit of harmful habits.

No, I wouldn't consider myself someone with a weight problem. Nor am I unhealthy. But I can empathize with those in these categories, whether they have a medical condition, disease, food addiction, or just basic bad habits. Most people with weight problems (either obesity or being underweight) suffer from body image issues. Whether they've had those issues from the beginning or developed them as a result of their worsening condition, it's a legitimate psychological mountain with varying degrees of severity and impact.

Overcoming body image issues is extremely difficult. Even if there's absolutely nothing wrong with a child, teenager or young adult who is simply thin as a result of active metabolism and genetics, that person can develop body image issues or turn to overeating because of the taunting from others. "Skinny" kids get labeled anorexic, bulimic, skeletal, and disgusting by classmates and peers. Adults tease and prod, tactlessly expressing their concerns.

Girls are tormented by the fact that they don't look mature and feminine like some of their more "normal" friends. They feel ugly. The theme affects boys too, who don't feel as masculine or tough as some of their counterparts, who may be athletic, more popular, and more liked by the opposite sex. There is almost just as big a stigma associated with being underweight as with being overweight.

Along with the development of overeating and unhealthy habits, kids who are bullied for being too skinny also often turn to dangerous ways of seeking attention and redeeming likeability. In girls this may mean becoming promiscuous, dressing proactively or inappropriately, or overcompensating in some other way. In boys it could lead to retaliation and violence, turning to substance abuse in order to "fit in," or maybe even criminal activity in hopes of being seen as brave and daring in order to gain popularity. Kids can act out in all kinds of ways as they start to feel alienated and distanced from what they view as social norms.

I probably don't have to delve into the psychology of overweight kids. I'm making the assumption that it's safe to say they get teased worse than anybody else. Many of them grow up feeling worthless, unliked, even disgusting. If it's genetic and their parents are overweight, they may feel angry and helpless. If it's self-inflicted as a means of seeking comfort from an unstable home environment, they may feel confused and experience self-loathing.

The pressures of society and the media telling girls they have to be thin and curvy and telling boys they have to be tall and muscular, or whatever comparative "norm" is promoted as desirable at the time, forces adolescents to want to "keep up" with each other and try to mold themselves to be more like somebody else. As if adolescence weren't awkward enough, trying to shape and define your physical appearance before you're even finished growing is like torture to most kids.

Whether girls are throwing up in bathrooms or stuffing their bras and putting on lipstick because they think it's going to make people stop making fun of them, the common denominator is that they don't like themselves. Even without a medical diagnosis or evident disorder, the psychological harm exists. Whether teenage boys are tempted to use steroids or try to "bulk up" in some other unsafe way, it's rare that they find and embrace their identity in their uniqueness.

The kids we knew as "misfits," "nerds," and "punks" were rarely happy to be labeled that way. And the ones who did it for the attention or because they liked the culture were most likely seeking some other form of comfort and unity, whether in the lyrics of songs by bands that they identified with or in the compassion of close friends who might've been among the chosen few made privy to family or emotional problems.

For most, body image issues are not just some "phase" (and are not always indicated by weight). They don't change with ebb and flow of new fads and trends, and they don't usually just go away on their own. It's typically a lifelong struggle with insecurity and self-doubt, the compulsion to always compare oneself to others, forcing feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, and the cyclical never-good-enough complex that spins you in circles until you forget you're only competing with yourself.

Therefore, weight loss (or healthy weight gain) and bodily change, regardless of how small or dramatic, signify something huge for most people: a change in mentality, an altered perception of self, and the triumph over an internal conflict. For most, holding oneself accountable is the biggest struggle of all. Having to answer to yourself at the end of the day is so much harder than having to respond to a trainer or a program. Completing tasks and meeting goals are not necessarily equivalent to actually feeling differently about yourself. Learning to love oneself unconditionally is something that many people never accomplish. Being happy when you look at your reflection in the mirror, beyond just what you see, is the hard part for many.

I've struggled with body image issues my whole life and have always had an inferiority complex. I compare myself to others obsessively. I was one of the kids who got teased for being skinny and a late bloomer, and I got labeled with eating disorders as if they were nicknames, even though I had no existing medical conditions. I was just a healthy kid with a rapid metabolism. I was tall and awkward and it took me a lot longer to grow into my features than other girls my age, and I always resented them for that.

As I got older I started to fill out and my metabolism started to slow down. I've never considered myself "fat" but I've put on some weight over the years and it's gotten to a point I'm uncomfortable with. A lot of people might read this and think, "oh please, that's everyone. You're no different than anybody else." And that's their prerogative, but I know that some people are affected by things that others just aren't, and I'm addressing those things within myself. See, I tend to seek food for comfort, for amusement, for satisfaction. If I'm bored, I eat. If I'm sad, I eat. Angry, lonely, nervous, you name it. It's become sort of a hobby.

When I was younger I could literally eat whatever I wanted because I never put on weight and I continued those habits into adulthood, until I realized it was unhealthy and I was no longer immune to the effects of overindulgence. I started to get mad at myself for lacking the willpower and discipline to make healthier choices, or to maintain them for longer than two weeks before reverting to my old ways. I'd see nothing wrong with eating a whole pizza or devouring a half gallon of ice cream, and then I'd wonder why I was gaining weight and I'd hate myself for it.

My clothes stopped fitting and I'd buy new ones, I'd make excuses not to go somewhere when I was disgusted with how I looked after trying on everything in my closet that was now at least two sizes too small. I would get stomach pains from continually "sucking it in" and then I'd tell myself that no one could notice and I still looked the same. I'd try gimmick after gimmick, thinking I'd find a magic pill that would allow me to keep pigging out and gorging myself without changing my lifestyle or working harder at being healthy.

Finally I decided I've had enough. I'm a couple years shy of thirty and I want those years to be some of the best of my life. I'm done with hating myself, pitying myself, and envying others. I decided to join Weight Watchers. For those of you who have heard of the program but are unfamiliar with what it's all about, first let me tell you that diet programs are not restricted to any kind of stereotype or number. You don't have to weigh a certain amount or be declared obese to join one of these programs. It's for anyone who needs education and assistance with their goals, and it gives you guidance and control.

Number one, I chose Weight Watchers because it doesn't restrict your food choices (it's not proprietary. With NutriSystem I think they send you their own brand of food that you commit to eating. Some other companies make you buy cookbooks or smoothie-making equipment, or tell you to commit to a liquid diet and buy all their supplements). Weight Watchers does have their own brand of food that you can buy in the supermarket, but that's not a key component to joining their program, which gives you the freedom to make choices and learn as you go.

I also got a good deal. I signed up for three months (which is really the minimum amount of time you should commit to something before expecting to see real results) for under $60. At the end of my 3 months, my rate will renew monthly at under $20/month. This is less than I pay for my gym membership and I use it every day, so it's worth it to me. For the money you get the full version of the app (the free version is limited), the full support of the website with your own private, personalized identity, the tools and resources of the website and mobile app, and the ability to go to any meeting in the area.

What I value most about it is the education. For me, the problem wasn't what I was eating, but how much. I knew enough to understand that cheesesteaks and fries weren't healthy choices and I tried my hardest to practice moderation with my weaknesses, sweets and carbs. I kind of had a grasp on the science and makeup of foods. What was totally over my head was quantity and portion size. I've always had a hearty appetite, and I sort of became known for how much I could eat. I loved the attention and bragging rights, and pigging out made me feel good.

My body became accustomed to the amount of food I'd consume and I started needing larger quantities on a regular basis, just to satiate myself. I eventually lost that "full" signal your brain sends to your stomach to tell you to stop eating, which indicates a hormonal imbalance of leptin and ghrelin (look it up). I'd just keep going until whatever was in front of me was gone. Oh, and there was always room for dessert or another drink. For some reason I'd make excuses for those things, telling myself they didn't count as food.

So when I learned that a single 5-oz. glass of my beloved red wine was worth 4 points, I nearly cried. How could the universe be so unfair? What have I done to myself? I mean, I'd been drinking two to three glasses almost every night! That's almost half my daily food allowance. I started to understand that the way I'd been living and treating my body was not only gluttonous but unhealthy, and I was in denial. It was time to stop kidding myself and finally take action. That was three weeks ago, and I've lost about 5 pounds. That may not sound like much to you, but I haven't seen the number on the scale this low in almost 3 years.

Weight Watchers calculates a points value for all foods and beverages based on their fat, carbs, fiber, and protein. You don't have to count calories, it's all factored in. I have been so surprised at the points values of some of the things I thought were harmless or "healthy." And some of those things may in fact be healthy, but not in the amounts I was consuming. Weight Watchers forces you to account for your portion sizes and meal choices. It encourages you to plan ahead, it gives you advice on situations where you might not have healthy options, and it has guidelines for "cheat" foods and scenarios. They assign you a points-plus value per day that is calculated by your height, weight, age, and weight loss goal. You stick to that amount of points per day, you lose weight. It's that simple. Put less food into your body, lose weight. It may sound mindless, but some people really need help with that, and I'm one of them.

The cool thing is that you also get an allowance - a weekly budget of "bonus" points - for situations where you're forced to cheat (happy hours, office parties, special occasions, or just drinks/dessert). Obviously you can't use all the allowance points every week or use them as excuses to eat bacon and fries every day, but they're there because we're human and things happen. Just to give you an idea, I'm currently on a 26-points-per-day diet with a weekly allowance of 49 bonus points. My first goal weight was set at 8 pounds below my starting weight and after I reach that, in a few more weeks, they'll reset my goal weight based on my progress and maybe even give me a higher points allowance.

Healthy weight loss is not rapid. Anywhere from a half pound to two pounds per week is healthy, depending on the individual. And they say that the slower you lose it, the longer you keep it off. In three weeks I've lost just shy of five pounds and I couldn't be more excited. You're only supposed to weigh yourself once a week, and every time I'm about to weigh in I get excited to see the surprise on the scale. I almost can't believe it's working because nothing else has - but I haven't actually changed my diet in a real way before.

Weight Watchers works even if you can't increase your physical activity. They don't set guidelines for how much you should work out, but they do encourage and reward exercise. You can enter points values for physical activity and if you're ever in a deficit of your points allowance, it'll take from your activity points to balance what you ate. Like I said, put less food in your body and you will lose weight. Weight Watchers re-teaches you how to eat. With 26 points per day I try to stick to 6 or 7 points per meal and leave room for snacks throughout the day. The first week was hard because I'm used to eating double or triple what I'm eating now, but it's surprisingly doable and manageable if you plan your choices accordingly.

For example, a vegetarian chicken patty is 4 points and string cheese is one point. Then I can have a yogurt or some cracker chips, or a brownie bar. When I went food shopping, it was actually fun to use the barcode scanner and Weight Watchers database to look for the brands and foods that I was used to eating and see how many points they were worth per serving. Some things I was pleasantly surprised with, others I put right back on the shelf. I bought foods that specifically lend themselves to eating fairly healthy but that are also filling enough to be satisfying in smaller portions. I even bought snacks and desserts that aren't too bad. Some of the Weight Watchers desserts are downright delicious :-)

Another thing is that you're allowed to eat all the fruits and veggies you want, as long as they're fresh or frozen and not cooked in oil, butter or fattening sauce. That definitely encourages you to eat fruits and vegetables with every meal, which are actually filling substitutes for chips or junk (albeit somewhat less satisfying, but there's always a degree of sacrifice). I snack on baby carrots or apple slices, I have a banana with breakfast, and I make lots of fresh vegetables with dinner now. Just by trying to stay within your points allowance you eat healthier automatically.

For foods that aren't in the database they have a calculator so that you can type in the information off the nutrition label. Common mistakes, such as serving sizes (2 servings in a can of soup), are easier to avoid using the Weight Watchers app. And it's so handy to be able to pull it up on your phone anytime. It forces me to be honest and accountable for everything I eat, which ensures an accurate measurement and result. And then every week when I weigh in and track my weight loss, I get an email patting me on the back and encouraging me to keep up the good work. You become your own coach and Weight Watchers becomes your cheerleader.

Maybe it's not for everybody, but it's something that I needed. I lack the discipline and knowledge to make the changes without help and this is the perfect amount of guidance for me because it teaches me and allows me to still be in control. It's amazing what you can do when you actually stick to a plan, and sometimes it's as simple as monitoring what you're eating. It's a lifelong change in habits and something I'm sure I'll use for a long time. It's not a gimmick, it's not hard to stick to, it's proven and it just takes some adjusting.

I'm still going to the gym as much as possible, which isn't always as often as I'd like, and I know that will only help me further along in my progress. I'm turning a new leaf and every small loss is a big win for me. I'm squashing that little voice inside that tells me I'm inadequate and that I'm not going to be able to change it. This is one way that I'm learning to love myself, and I am confident for the first time that I'm in control of my body and my body image issues. Losing the weight and the baggage along with it!

Oh, and dark chocolate is low in points, fyi ;-)