Navigating personal relationships is much like learning a new language. Just read the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, and you'll see how nuanced and intricate it can be to actually understand and relate to even someone you thought you knew well.
Relationships are most successful when lines of communication are open, that's common knowledge, but what if your communication style doesn't match someone's processing style? It seems no matter how many times you say the same thing, it doesn't make a difference. Figuring out how they need to hear it and learning how to apply that strategy to the rest of your communication would be wise and help greatly.
This concept can be applied to many different relational issues. I kept running into a dilemma involving a simple misunderstanding and it got me thinking, it's just about understanding someone's "native language" (so to speak). There was nothing wrong with what I was saying or communicating, not even how I was saying it. It was just the perceived motivation behind the concept that differed from the receiver's motivation. Let me explain.
Just like most people have heard of "love languages," most people have also heard the familiar saying, "It's not what you say, it's how you say it." But I believe there's more depth to that statement that gets lost on so many of us. It's not until the light bulb comes on in some repeated misunderstanding or breakdown that we start to get it — oftentimes years after it would've first been helpful, and sometimes we never get it.
Not only is what you say and how you say it important, but your delivery will be ineffective if you're not speaking to the receiver's motivations (but from your own). Here's just one example of a recent, real-life situation to illustrate my point:
In a romantic and domestic relationship, whether a couple is married or just living together, there is shared responsibility. Many times each person has his or her own set of responsibilities, some of which the other knows nothing about, and then there is a set of assumed, common responsibilities. This middle ground is where many relationships suffer, as this is an area where silent expectation takes over, assumptions are made, and one or both members of the relationship start to feel that the workload is unbalanced and that they're being taken for granted.
Regardless who "does more" or "works harder," it will always bode well for a relationship when each member strives to at least anticipate the needs of the other person or offers to alleviate some of their stress by taking on tasks that the other normally does. Without being asked or prompted, it will probably make your significant other feel loved and appreciated if he or she normally takes out the trash and you do it instead without being asked. You might be going along thinking your plate is so full you couldn't possibly add more, and there might be things your partner wishes you'd do that you are oblivious to (because you've never done them before and wouldn't think to do them).
Eventually someone's resentment and stress will get the best of them and you'll get into an argument where you're both feeling blindsided and criticized. How did things get to this point? They say you're not contributing enough to the shared workload, you're oblivious to what would reduce the stress, you're not doing enough. You feel defensive, because you're struggling to fulfill all your individual responsibilities plus work with your significant other in your very small amount of spare time to plan and execute things, and you feel like you're helping. And then that word, "helping," sets them off. It's not the definition of the word, but their interpretation of it that causes the rift.
You see, some of us are martyrs, some of us are people-pleasers, some love to serve, and some love to be served. Some of us are naturally selfless, always looking out for others, and some of us require more straightforward communication of expectations. We're happy to do what is asked but we need to actually be asked. Some of us make the mistake of thinking "I shouldn't have to ask, they should know." And we go 'round and 'round. After all, it takes all kinds.
Back to "helping." If you're a people-pleaser, you love to feel like you're "helping," or serving someone. The motivation is often selfless — you feel good when you're making others feel good or serving them in some way. You thrive on hospitality and generosity. You'd rather feel like you're "helping" or serving someone else, making their day better, than assume the same task as a chore or personal responsibility. You're more likely to procrastinate your own responsibilities than something you're given the opportunity to do for another. If you're in the middle of accomplishing your weekly chores, and a loved one asks for "help," you're likely to stop what you're doing and go out of your way to help them, because there is fulfillment in serving. It means you care.
But if you're a martyr, you feel like you do everything yourself and get no recognition. You feel like you shouldn't have to ask for "help" because people should recognize how much you do and just offer to chip in (or do so automatically, without a word). The word "help" has a negative connotation to you — not at all like serving — because you perceive "helping" as something done when another is weak. Therefore, if you ask for "help," you're expressing weakness. Furthermore, when you ask for someone's "help," you feel that you're expressing "this is my responsibility, not yours, and you're doing me a favor." You don't want your significant other to think that they are doing you a favor by assisting with something that benefits you both. For example, it would seem egregious for your partner to do something that always needs to be done (like take out the trash) but that you normally do, and consider it "helping." If they were to take on some little task and then flaunt that they "helped" you, expecting some sort of thanks or recognition, you would feel aggravated and perhaps even more taken for granted.
These are only two of dozens of personality types, but as you can see, their expectations, perceptions, values, associations, and communication styles are very different. One thinks "you're mad at me because I don't help you enough," and the other thinks, "that's ridiculous, I don't want you to help me. I want you to think of it as your responsibility too and recognize when I'm struggling. If you do more, I'll struggle less, and that's what a team is."
What the martyr doesn't understand is that the people-pleaser wants to "help" and is, in fact, motivated by serving or "helping." If the martyr would communicate their expectations clearly and ask for help, the people-pleaser would immediately oblige. But of course, the catch 22 is that this goes against the martyr's nature. The satisfaction and relief the martyr would feel when being pleasantly surprised by the people-pleaser having anticipated their need by accomplishing a task unexpectedly would be totally voided if they'd had to ask for it. It also damages their sense of pride to ask and makes them feel undervalued. They don't like to feel as though they "need help" or are burdening someone else by asking, and they don't understand that the people-pleaser wouldn't view the request as a burden.
On the contrary, the people-pleaser is more burdened by the unspoken expectation and the seething disappointment and criticism that results in not having met the martyr's expectations. The people-pleaser wants everyone to feel satisfied with them, appreciated by them, thought of, considered, and yes, helped. People-pleasers pride themselves on thoughtfulness. But just like anyone, they can be busy, aloof, and oblivious to unspoken needs and expectations. Even if they recognize someone is struggling, it might not be obvious to them how they can possibly "help." So they try to offer their support in other ways — by communicating, comforting, offering other accommodations, and they think this is effective for the martyr. But it's not what the martyr needs. The martyr is only getting more and more annoyed at these futile attempts because they're thinking "how could this person be so oblivious and not know the one thing that is really bugging me?"
The irony is that, oftentimes, the martyr can be just as aloof and oblivious to the needs of the people-pleaser in other ways. Perhaps the martyr is so task-focused that they completely fail to see the people-pleaser's sadness over the lack of emotional connection and quality time being spent together. The people-pleaser feels so disconnected from the martyr, so unloved, yet the martyr feels they are doing everything possible to keep things together for the benefit of everyone else, and at their own expense. To the martyr, this is a selfless act of sacrificial love. To the people-pleaser, it is not the key way in which they receive love, so they are still disappointed. The two have the same problem: they are each unfulfilled in their primary language or area.
It's a vicious cycle, and many people will never see it and break out of it. There are multiple factors at play here, and it doesn't matter who we more closely identify with, or who we think is "right" or "wrong." All of us have different values and have grown up with different examples of how to live, build relationships, survive, communicate, and express ourselves. Regardless which archetype represents you, the important thing to note is that your nature doesn't matter. Your opinion doesn't matter either. One person has the power to change the dynamic of the whole relationship, if they can be wise enough to observe what is really going on. Every communication breakdown has a root, and getting to that root is often the hardest part of the battle. From there, one person can absolutely make the difference.
If the martyr sees the light bulb go on and has this revelation that it's only a matter of communication style, values, and personality types, then he or she can make the conscious decision to change their approach (without being in violation of their innate feelings). They will realize that this slight shift is just an accommodation in the way they're getting the point across. The same goal is being accomplished, and perhaps with greater success, because they were willing to strategically speak in the way that the people-pleaser easily understands and responds to.
If the people-pleaser is the first to see the light bulb go on, then he or she will have illuminated a very crucial part of interacting with a martyr. Do not use the word "help" when referring to shared responsibilities or things that serve you both, and do not act as though you are doing some grand deed by taking on one of these responsibilities, even if you don't normally do it or are going out of your way or out of your comfort zone. The people-pleaser will have realized that, to the martyr, anything done to assist the other person is for the greater good of the couple — the worst thing the people-pleaser can do is act as though it is a favor, a burden, or something they'd never consider doing. The martyr needs to feel appreciated, and actions speak much louder than words. Saying "I appreciate you" to a martyr who feels like they're drowning in things you could be "helping" with is frustrating. If you are a people-pleaser living with a martyr, the smartest thing you can do is check in regularly to ask if there are any important items that need to be done that you haven't already done. You could say, "I've already planned to do these five things, but am I forgetting anything that needs to be done?" This way, you're not placing the responsibility solely on them by saying "is there anything you need "help" with?" which (to them) indicates it's something you shouldn't have to do because they own it and you're just trying to be gracious.
There are endless situations like this one, and not just for the people-pleaser and the martyr. The key is being willing and open enough to reflect on the situation from a perspective other than you own. If the light bulb goes on, then making the choice to communicate in a way that is effective to the other person will not feel counter-productive to you. You can still have the same motivation, but they don't have to know that. The people-pleaser can still feel like they're "helping," while the martyr will feel appreciated and like part of a team. The martyr will feel as though their struggle is understood and they have a partner in the struggle, instead of feeling taken for granted, alone, and like their partner is oblivious to the things that need to be done for the greater good. As long as the people-pleaser can relinquish the need for appreciation, the martyr will express (in their own way) some kind of relief. If anything, the dynamic of the relationship will change as they begin to grow more secure and relaxed by knowing you have their back. No one needs to feel like they're being given a favor.
And the first person to grasp this breakthrough can keep it their own little secret. They don't have to let their significant other know. If the significant other remarks about the change in their partner, perhaps the enlightened individual can fill them in. Whichever direction it goes, it might sound something like this:
Martyr: "You've really been there for me lately. It makes me feel good knowing you're proactive and care as much as I do about the things that are priorities around here. It was tough for a while feeling like I was in it by myself but you seem to be getting it so much more now."
People-Pleaser: "I appreciate how hard you work and recognize that I can prioritize things that are mutually beneficial. We're a team and I want you to know I value that."
The people-pleaser would have to know the martyr well enough to decide whether or not it's wise to share their secret, but if they did, it might sound like this:
"You know, I realized that even if you don't talk about these things, I can ask or at least try to anticipate. Truthfully, it makes me feel good. I know the word "help" has negative connotations for you, but it means something different for me. I am motivated by service and I feel good when I know my actions are beneficial — even to both of us. If it gives you relief or makes you feel valued and supported, I'm happy to do it. Just know that asking me for "help" is not burdensome to me and it gives me an opportunity to serve. This is a clearer way to communicate with me than expecting me to meet unvoiced needs. If I fail to meet some expectation you haven't shared out of reluctance to seem like you're asking for "help," the criticism that results is much more hurtful because of my servant heart and thoughtful nature. Just because something hasn't occurred to me doesn't mean I don't care."
Or it could go this way, if the martyr's light bulb goes on first:
Martyr: "I was wondering if you could help me with some things this week. I know you already have a full plate but I'm struggling to get things done too, and I can't relax with all these loose ends distracting me. There are a few things around the house we need to get done and I was hoping you could help me put a dent in them so that we have more time to hang out together."
People-Pleaser: "Of course, I'd be happy to. Are there specific things I haven't thought of that would make your load lighter?"
Martyr: "Actually, yes. If I didn't have to pull the weeds out front, break down the cardboard for the recycling tonight, remember to turn on the sprinklers, and pick up a card for my brother, I would feel a little less stressed."
People-Pleaser: "No problem! I'll take care of it."
(At this point, the martyr could walk away from the situation satisfied and the people-pleaser could be puffed up with pride and eagerness. Every couple's reality and level of communication is different. Gender also sometimes plays a role in how far the communication progresses).
It could even continue:
People-Pleaser: "It's refreshing to have you actually communicating in straightforward terms the ways that I can contribute. What changed? You never used to ask for help."
Martyr: "Well, I'm not fond of the word help. I feel as though the shared responsibilities or priorities that benefit us both are not things that require help. To me, helping implies doing a favor for someone, like they owe you for it, or doing something that's normally just theirs and won't benefit you in any way. If there are a bunch of things that need to be accomplished around the home, they are for both of us, and if you don't realize what they are, I start to feel overwhelmed and alone. The stress makes me feel like you don't care. But I realize I can't expect you to anticipate everything that needs to be done or the way that I feel. I just don't want to burden you by asking, that's all. If you took it upon yourself, I would feel like it matters to you equally. I see now that you have a heart to serve people and that you enjoy feeling like you're contributing. So if explicitly asking for help is going to make it easier on us both, I can do that."
Most humans are not mind readers. We all carry programming and baggage of which we are largely unaware. Even the most self-reflective people can be completely aloof to the motivations, needs, and expectations they harbor, let alone those of another. Many of us don't know why we are the way we are, and no other reality has ever occurred to us. If you've ever talked to someone who makes you feel crazy, as though your night is their day or you're not seeing the same color sky, there is a lack of perspective on someone's part. Some people only receive and process information in one way. Others can't move past the delivery or the tone in which something was said. Still there are others who are so easily wounded that another's complaints or criticisms are all they see (and not the root of the frustration behind them). Regardless how skilled we are at interpreting, understanding, accepting, and reflecting, we have a responsibility in any relationship to represent at least one half of the dynamic. That means being willing to at least try to see from the other's perspective and then act on that information. If all we can comprehend is what our own programming dictates, then we're doomed for failed relationships until we meet someone with the same baggage, programming, processing styles, motivations, and communication habits as us.
So if you really want to help a martyr, don't use the word "help."
And if you really want a people-pleaser to step up and take action without prompting, don't act so put off by their offers to "help." Either that or get over the reluctance to prompt them by asking for assistance or voicing your expectations explicitly.
