i am a work in progress. we all are. and if you don't think you are, you're probably wrong. you may not be an active participant in your progress, but it's still happening to you.
today is the first time i feel like i've made real forward progress in a long time. i've just been "stuck." of course things aren't all bad, but nothing's been really good, you know? like, i'm grateful for all the things i normally take for granted (such as breathing, shelter, health, food, income), but there isn't an element of my life that i feel really good about. i've been feeling confused, cloudy, disconnected, detached, unsure, sad, guilty, ashamed, depressed, and the list goes on.
i've been thinking a lot - it's not that i don't know i'm stuck - i've rolled countless ideas over and over in my mind like marbles...i've thought so deeply about certain things until i reached a point where it hurt to think. but no matter what, i couldn't seem to reach a point of resolution on anything, and i felt like i was watching myself from overhead, paralyzed. telling myself to move, like that scene in Kill Bill where Uma Thurman wills herself to wiggle her big toe, just wasn't working - and i was beating myself up over the futility of my own efforts.
i'm a resilient person with a relatively quick bounce-back rate. i don't normally stay "in a funk" for very long. but this is different. this feels like my whole life is in some weird, transitional stasis and it's almost like i'm molting or shedding my skin. like i'll wake up one day with a new identity or a set of wings i didn't know i had (which would be pretty cool). i just wish it wouldn't take so darn long. and i wish i knew what was coming so i could prepare. but that's kind of missing the point, isn't it?
anyway, this post is celebratory. today, for the first time in a while, i was kind to myself. not the kind of kindness where you make concessions that you'll feel guilty about later, like "i was planning on going to the gym but i really just want to sit on the couch and eat cookie dough, so i'm going to do that instead." no, that's not what i'm talking about (though i've done a bit of over-indulging lately, too - hey, a time and a place for everything, right?)
today i was the kind of kind where i finally listened to what my body needed (not what i felt like doing or not doing because of self-pity or laziness), and it felt really good to actually be in tune with myself for once, especially since i've been so out of it lately. trudging through the days and nights, not even able to hear that annoying little voice that's always on - it's actually been kind of alarming. and anyone who knows me knows i can't just live in the quiet. of course i have to try to think and think until the little voice comes back.
well i don't know if i was hearing myself again today or if i just finally surrendered and gave myself permission to be nice to myself, but it felt awesome. i woke up when i wanted to, got out of bed when i felt like it, made breakfast and coffee which i enjoyed outside on my patio, and then i did something phenomenal. i got changed into my workout clothes and went exploring outdoors. i've been making every excuse in the book to shrug off exercise and going outside. not enough time, don't feel well, don't want to push myself, other things i need to do...and today i actually felt this urge to go feel nature. and i did it.
i wandered through my development, heading in the general direction of the lake, and found my own way around the whole thing, enjoying all the scenery along the way. i passed many of the different kinds of cute homes here in the community, i passed the different stacks of canoes at the various lake entry points, i passed trail markers pointing out the hikes through the woods (miles of land intended only for residents of this community), and i had my eyes on the lake the whole time.
finally i came up to a real beach, which i never knew was here! there were people sitting out in beach chairs just sunning, people canoeing, and a couple of nice shady areas. i was so thrilled! if i'd known there was a beach here, i would've gone a few times! i haven't had much time to take day trips to the beach this summer and i've actually only gone once or twice, so this is great. i continued wandering out past the beach and found my way to these magical garden homes down a dead-end road that you wouldn't even know existed from outside the community. as i kept walking, smiling and waving at my neighbors and admiring all the different types of patios and driveways and shrubbery they've chosen, i came up to an area with tennis courts, beach volleyball, basketball courts, a pool, and some other amenities.
feeling excited and childlike for the first time in i-don't-know-how-long, i started venturing back in the direction of my place again, mildly surprised at my navigational abilities and the fact that i hadn't gotten lost yet. i actually felt and acknowledged how good the breeze felt. i inhaled deeply, allowing myself to smell the trees and flowers and feel my lungs fill with fresh air. i felt my movements, i felt my heart beating, i felt my blood flowing. i felt. for the first time in a long time, i wasn't numb.
i came home and put on the ceiling fan and some soothing music and did some stretching and mild exercise - only what felt good, stopping when my body told me to stop (not when my mind or lower back told me to, not when it got hard to breathe or keep my balance - but when i actually somehow knew i had done enough). i paid attention to my breathing and the feeling of the circulating air grazing my skin. i listened to the music and focused on my movements. i took a long, hot shower and acknowledged how good it felt. every exhale felt like i was releasing something different. i felt more than clean, i felt cleansed.
then i did something astonishing. i took some 'before' pictures of myself, as though i'm about to embark on some sort of physical transformation (at the end of which the natural thing to do would be to take 'after' pictures). i haven't liked what i've seen in the mirror in way too long. and i still didn't like it today - but i didn't cringe and look away. i didn't tell myself i was gross. i didn't call myself names and put myself down. today i looked at my reflection, documented it, and felt kind of excited. i told myself "i'll get better. one step at a time." today i accepted myself instead of ignoring myself. instead of either shoving my feelings to the back of my mind and replacing them with something destructive, or being super mean to myself and then soothing myself with something that would only make me feel guilty and ashamed, i released my opinions of myself and proceeded with positivity (or at least gentle neutrality). huge!
not having plans or needing to be anywhere felt amazing. i moved as slowly as i wanted to, like time wasn't some collector calling. when thoughts of work poked into my head, i nudged them out. not today, not now. this is my time. work will be here again soon enough, but i don't have to pay attention to it or give into it today. i did some spa treatments on my face, made some good food, practiced some light meditation-type exercises, and now i'm feeling lighter and calmer as i recount my day up to this point.
the funny thing about being numb and stuck is that it's not very calming. as a matter of fact, you can feel numb, stuck, and disconnected but still have this buzzing anxiety cementing you in place, blocking everything else. you aren't devoid of energy, you're just not moving energy - not giving or receiving. maybe it's a method of protection that becomes engaged when your mind and body have spent too much time in a negative state. perhaps when those toxic emotions and thoughts have ganged up on your psyche to the point of literally poisoning you and making you sick, your subconscious shuts you down to protect you. maybe this was my "higher self" telling me that i'd had enough of my regularly scheduled programming and that it was taking the remote away from me for a while.
i'm not all hunky-dory now, i don't feel like i've walked through an endless cave and out into the light, but i feel like i've actually moved. i wasn't hard on myself today - my inner monologue changed from criticizing myself about not getting things done and not pushing myself hard enough to nothing else occurring to me as important besides this nourishment i was receiving. today has been the first time i've actually been open to receiving anything, from myself and my surroundings. it was such a good feeling. i wasn't anxious and annoyed about not running errands or plugging away at some project for hours. i didn't feel pressed for time or like time was running out. i felt like i was in control and i was owning the day. that is real progress for me.
there's still a long road ahead of me, i can sense it. i'm not too sure what's waiting for me around this really big corner, or when i'll find myself on the other side of it. but today i feel a little bit of peace, a little bit of calm, and a little less worry. today i feel like i unpacked, in a sense; like my bags aren't as heavy. i know it'll all be ok in the end, and if it's not ok, it's not the end. i am trying to accept that i will never know everything and will never be able to predict the future. i'm trying to relinquish control in many areas, and be ok with slowing down each moment and really listening to myself, observing others, and relishing authenticity in all of my choices. i'm not going to be a victim of myself anymore.
i still feel confused and hesitant, many things are still unclear. i still have questions, and there are still things weighing on my heart and mind. but it's different now, and i don't know what changed. for some reason i woke up and gave in to the urge to be kind to myself, and i'm so glad i did.
tonight i will celebrate this feeling of being the tiniest bit un-stuck. and i will thank myself for being kind to me. tonight i will sleep soundly and peacefully, and i hope that tomorrow i can continue to resist waging war on myself, armed with this new sense of self-acceptance to protect me against my own harsh self-criticism, fear, guilt, shame, sadness, and sabotage.
tonight i'm celebrating a lesson that it feels like i'm learning for the first time. that it's ok (and quite necessary) to put yourself first and listen to what it is your body and soul are asking of you. that your mind doesn't have to rule your every action through the veil of obligation and duty, tricking you into self-sacrifice or self-sabotage. that the simplest things can give you nourishment when you feel so gray and tepid. like moving. and air. and sunshine. and breathing.
thanks, me. you're pretty cool. i hope we get to spend more time together. and i hope you don't get lost again as i'm sorting through all this crap right now, because i'd like to have you there to guide me through it. i'm so grateful that you were nice to me today. i needed that.
sincerely,
a work in progress
